Recently my friend Lee-lee was to be married and naturally the traditional Hen’s and Buck’s party high jinks were in the process of being planned. As I was close friends with the bride I thought it wouldn't be too sassy of me to buy her a present from one of those shops. You know… the ones that have a specific back entrance where you can access the establishment without some nosey parker spotting you and blabbing it all over town.
The type of shop that has blackened out windows and Cupids and big lips painted on the signs. Somehow, don’t ask me how; I managed to strong-arm Scotto into coming with me to inspect the merchandise inside one of these business houses.
Some of you may be thinking I'm making this whole story up and that I was going to buy something for myself, but I assure you I was NOT! It was only for Lee-lee that I would darken the steps of one of these filthy establishments and NO I doth not protest too much.
We drove around the block a few times confirming there were no condemnatory witnesses; parked at the rear of the shop and pulling our hats over our ears scuttled through the door.
I did find something befittingly uncouth for Lee-lee and while we were there Scotto and I revelled in a bit of a school girl giggling at some of the shockingly oversized ‘replicas’.
At least Scotto told me they were oversized.
Anyhoo, while we were paying for Lee-lee’s present the man behind the counter asked me if I’d like to sign up for a loyalty card. Not wanting to hurt the nice little man’s feelings I agreed and supplied him with my details.
Not long after our titillating excursion our new neighbours moved in. This was a good thing due to the fact that the previous neighbours despised and shunned us because of a certain German Shepherd that never stops barking (and one or two other inconsequential reasons) . *
I made a special point of going over to visit the pleasant, elderly couple and introduced myself using my best manners with an earnest promise that we would invite them over for a drink very soon.
Job well done, I thought to myself.
A few days later there was a timid knock at the door. It was my neighbour.
“Hello dear,” she said guardedly, “This letter was put in our letterbox by mistake. I think it’s for you.”
The letter, clearly addressed to Pinky, was covered in Cupids and had Ecstasy Sex Shop plastered all over it.
* The 'inconsequential' reasons will be elaborated on in tomorrow's post!
