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Sunday, December 4, 2016

Dear Dr Google Egg...

Scotto and Ygritte

Lately, instead of googling ailments on Dr Google pertaining to me, for instance searches such as, ‘what does it mean if you have a scaly tailbone?’, or ‘what is the lump I’ve had for ten years below my collarbone which when I squeeze it, stinky stuff comes out?’ or ‘does feeling weirdly nervy after taking Berocca mean I’m about to have a coronary arrest?', I’ve been searching more accurate and reputable sites about chicken health.

One of our chickens is decidedly under the weather. This time it isn’t because it was attacked by a rapscallion Chihuahua.

We noticed that Hodor was limping and squatting down helplessly a lot last Sunday. I thought (after research) he may be egg-bound. That would mean he had an egg stuck in his bum. But he’s a bit young and since we suspect he’s a him… it was, well unlikely. I don’t even think chickens lay eggs out of their bums but perhaps you can educate me on that.

The next day he couldn’t walk on his right leg at all.

“Could it be a tick?” I asked my father (who really wouldn’t have a clue even though he insists he is a chicken expert).

“No,” he was adamant. "If it was a tick the chicken would already be dead."

The next day the chicken was the same but on day four he was a complete paraplegic. Both legs were splayed and useless.

“We should put him out of his misery,” I wept at Scotto as I eyed the pathetic creature.

“Well, I’m not doing it!” Scotto muttered with a measure of vehemence.

Frankly, I don’t think I could remain married to a man who was capable of cold-heartedly murdering a chicken even if it was euthanasia, so I just nodded solemnly.

In my mind I pictured Scotto slamming the chicken in the head with a brick and it frightened me. I could never trust him again. Who knows what might happen next time I annoyed him with my aggravating snoring? I didn’t want to open any windows to subconscious violence, if you know what I mean.

So, after much discussion, we separated Hodor from the rest of the chickens and now he is in an isolated infirmary where I feed him by hand and nurse him around the clock.

He seems to be slightly improving and is even beginning to complain about the lack of professionalism amongst the nursing staff, the terrible food and the amount of times he has to buzz to get a cup of tea.

Today he seemed to be able to support himself on one leg.

Prayers people.

Hodor in ICU