How to be an UN-EVIL Stepmother

One central character who has not yet been introduced into the insane adventures of Pinky Poinker is “Petal”.

                               Petal at three years of age.


I first met Petal when she was three. Her father and I had only recently met and I remember her soulful brown eyes staring intently and suspiciously at me from the backseat of the car. I think I won her over that day with a princess Barbie and a Happy Meal.

Yes… you guessed right. Pinky is a Stepmother.

Normally Petal lives with her mother in the Southern Queensland Highlands where it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. The first thing she does when she arrives at Chez Poinker is tear up the stairs and burst into each of her step-siblings bedrooms to announce her arrival.

                             Petal now at twelve years of age.

She then smothers the dogs with kisses, greets the cat and shimmies into her swimmers without delay. Petal then proceeds to spend eight hours every day thrashing around the pool, only taking breaks for the occasional bag of crisps or an icy-pole. I’ve never seen such a water-baby.

The word ‘stepmother’, has bad connotations and stepmothers generally get a bad rap in the press eg; Cinderella, Snow White etc.

I’ve made a list (derived from my personal experience) on how you may avoid being labelled an ‘evil stepmother’ with all its unjust implications.

Don’t spend too much time in front of the mirror comparing your beauty to hers and throwing hissy fits when the mirror smart mouths you.

Try to tone down your natural, maniacal laugh.

Don’t take her to the butchers, order a beef heart then put it into a jewelled box and keep it on your dresser. She might get mixed messages.

Don’t over pluck your eyebrows into sardonic arches.

Don’t wear black, day in and day out.

Don’t walk around the house in a tiara and make your stepdaughter call you Baroness Poinker.

Don’t make her sweep the fireplace.

Don’t make her do the washing up every day and call her “Palmolive”.

Don’t hang around turrets.

Don’t have a crow as a pet.

Don’t go offering her apples all the time, especially if they’re red on one side and green on the other.

Get rid of any warts or large moles on your face.

Book an appointment with the dentist to replace missing teeth.

Above all, … don’t keep pumpkins around the house or you may discover she’s been sneaking out at night.

What’s in your Handbag? Pinky Reveals All.

Image Credit

Well… I’ve been waiting for a national magazine to call me requesting a feature story on “What I keep in my handbag” and it’s not been forthcoming so I guess I will just have to do the feature myself.

What Does Pinky Store in her Hermes Handbag?

1. Aromatherapy drops to dab on my temples in times of stress.

2. My Chanel No.5 perfume which I NEVER leave the house without.

3. Caviar hand cream I picked up in Paris.

4. My Apple iPhone 5 because I'm such an Apple fanboy :)

5. Lancome lipstick so I'm always looking my best.

6. The Little Book of Calm to keep me centred.

7. A manicure set for those little snags.

8. Rescue Remedy to get me through the busy day.

9. A holiday snap of the family skiing at Aspen last Christmas.

GAMIN!

1. To say something you really don't mean and make sure everyone around you heard it. (Urban Dictionary)

This is what is really in my handbag...

1. A plethora of old, scrunched up grocery receipts.

2. An asthma puffer (even though I don't get asthma unless I eat pickled onions) because you never know!

3. Some yoyo string Scotto wants me to take to work for Kyles' husband Troy???

4. Half a packet of Soothers circa January 2013.

5. A Breast Cancer Pen.

6. Chewable Disprin for the inevitable headache.

7. Berocca to keep me awake.

8. Sorbolene hand cream I picked up at Coles.

9. A half chewed packet of Nicorettes.

This must be why I haven't heard from any women's magazines huh?

Pinky Bites: How to Avoid Cooking for an Entire Week.

With Padraic and Lulu both off for a week at end of school celebrations there's only 20 year old, Hagar and husband, Scotto left at home... so Pinky has decided not to cook for a week.

Below you will discover seven gastronomic delights my family go mad over. Your ravenous family may find them equally yummy should you, on occasion, feel too weary to drag yourself into the hot kitchen and instead languish in a tepid, bubble bath with a glass of champagne and Michael Buble serenading you in the background.

Sunday night (Preparation time for your forthcoming week of hedonistic indulgence)

Sassy Spaghetti Bol- Pinky Style

Quickly brown 1 kg Mince.

Throw in a can of tinned tomatoes and a jar of tomato paste plus a cup of water. Stir every 10 minutes for 30 minutes and serve on boiled pasta. Delicious extravagance.

Monday Night

Left over "Sassy Spaghetti Bol!"

Tuesday night

Pinky’s Tender and Voluptuous Chicken Wraps

Heat chicken tenders in oven for 20 minutes.

Add crisp, shredded lettuce, cheese and barbeque sauce encased in soft wraps and it all looks and tastes just spliffy darlings!

         

Wednesday night

Pinky’s Hot-Ding-a-Dogs

Take one hot dog and place inside an open hot dog roll. Bazinga darlings!

Add barbeque or tomato sauce and cheese as desired. Simply scrumptious!

Thursday night

‘Steak Pinky’ with Cheeky Crunchy Potato Batons

Toss a steak over three or four times in an oiled pan until it’s succulent… you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Place Potato Batons in oven on 230 degrees for twenty minutes.

Presto! Bon appetite!

Friday night

Middle-Eastern Kebabs with Fluffed Rice a-la-Pinky-style.

Buy pre-made and marinated kebabs from Deli. Place in oven at 180 degrees for twenty minutes.

Place sachet of rice in microwave for 90 seconds. Make sure you squeeze the sachet sensuously beforehand.

Pour rice on plate and add desired kebabs. Lick your delicious fingers afterwards.

                        Here's one I prepared earlier!

Saturday night

Pinkster Hamburgers with the Lot

These beauties take about 2 minutes to cook on both sides. Add to a burger roll and with various salad items in the crisper this makes a truly opulent meal fit for a King… or Queen.

Sunday night

Pinky's Golden Arches Special!

Some people caution that Schoolies is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah and that any parent who allows their kids to attend is sending them straight to an eternity in Hell.

I reckon at least mine will eat better than if they stayed at home this week, possums!

The Melbourne Cup: Straight from the horse’s mouth.

Next Tuesday, the first Tuesday in November, the proud nation of Australia stops for the premier thoroughbred horse racing event of the year, the Melbourne Cup!

What goes on in those horses’ heads on the day, I often wonder? The pressure must be unbearable...

According to this sporting website, verbal intimidation is the backbone of physical competition but surely it wouldn't be an exclusively human domain. 

Throughout history, sport has been flooded with unusual characters who possess a flair for the dramatic and I’m certain the commonplace sledging is not confined to the jockeys in the racing industry.

Imagine the trash talk going on between the horses in the stalls as they wait around for the starting gates to open before the race…

Fiorente: (last year’s runner-up) I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna finish second ma homies!
Dunanen: Come on Fiorente! .You've been scratched more times than a lottery ticket.

Fiorente: Horseshit I have! Besides… It ain't braggin' if you can back it up.
Green Moon: Well, you two losers can take a hike. Get your popcorn ready, 'cause I'm gonna put on a show.

Red Cadeaux: Yeah, right Green Moon, I've seen bigger flanks on a Shetland pony.

Brown Panther: Hey! Foreteller! What does Red Cadeaux’s dick taste like?

Foreteller: I don’t know, Brown Panther. Ask your wife.

Dandino: Yo! Ethiopia! Ray Charles has seen more track than you.

Ethiopia: Sorry, I can’t reply to that… I’m a little hoarse… heehaw.

Fawkner: You should be the horse with no name, bro!

Mourayan: Shut your face, Sarah Jessica Parker!

Seville: Nobody talk to Silent Achiever… That mare’s got PMS… Pissed-Off Mare Syndrome, he haw he haw!

Super Cool: You should talk Seville. You're just like a tampon. Only good for one period.

Seville: Super Cool...after the race I'm gonna build myself a pretty home and use you as a bearskin rug, a#$hole.

Masked Marvel: Hey, Mount Athos! So... how’s your wife and my kids?

Mount Athos: Thanks for asking buddy! The wife’s fine. The kids are retarded!

Royal Empire: Hawkspur… ...Hey man, does your trainer know you're out here?

Hawkspur: F#ck off Royal Empire… my left nut gallops better than you do.

Mr Moet: Give it up Hawkspur, when you were born your mother got an apology letter from the articifial inseminator.

Simenon: Don’t sweat it Mr Moet. I heard Hawkspur broke down in his last race and couldn’t giddy-up.

Jet Away: Hee ha hee ha hee ha.

Precedence: Awwww… why the long face Hawkspur?

Forgotten Voice: That’s a clown question idiot.

Just when you thought Pinky couldn't get any sillier huh?

Anyway… Pinky's tip for the Melbourne Cup is….

Never try to heat up a can of peas in the oven.

Ian Botham for his famous cricket sledging comment.
The Bleachers Report from whom I adapted the horsey trash talk!
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1238737-the-50-best-trash-talk-lines-in-sports-history

Pinky's Conspiracy Theories

After last night’s expose on cats I thought I’d check the Internet this afternoon to see if Mr Google had ranked my post at all. 

Well guys… it seems like I’m not the only individual to come to the conclusion that cats are extra-terrestrial. When I typed in “cats are aliens”, a whopping 10 200 000 results came up. I must have been hiding in a closet somewhere when this particular conspiracy theory was trending. 

Pinky’s post was ranked on page nine so I guess that’s not bad considering the volume of competition out there.

I do love a good conspiracy theory.

A few years ago I joined the The Flat Earth Society for a laugh.

The website’s mission statement describes how for years the world has been duped into believing our earth is round when in actual fact the earth is flat. The society’s head honchos back this up with ‘scientific data’. It’s all tongue in cheek and poking fun at the bizarre rubbish espoused by the multitude of nut bags out there.

There are some even weirder conspiracies around though.

# Redheads are the offspring of aliens because they all look alike.

This is my mate Greggles…

And this is Ed Sheeran...

Go figure... (I'll be in a sh#t load of trouble for that).

# The anti-Christ is among us.

Yes… it’s the producers of reality television turning our brains into porridge.

# Sonny Bono was murdered on the ski slopes.

Who’s Sonny Bono again?

# All the really famous people in the world (even the Royal family and key role players in political parties) are just disguised ‘Lizard People’ who normally live underground. They’re deviously plotting to take over the world.

                          Ric Okasek: Lead singer of the Cars!
I know...not nice Pinky!



# The Queen ordered the MI5 to kill Princess Diana…

Think about it. If Princess Diana married Dodi Fayed the queen would have been able to send grandsons Harry and William into Harrods for some brilliant discounts, so that just doesn’t make any sense at all.

# The Moon landing was fake.

Well, my dear old departed Grandad advocated this theory but he also supported the view that Harold Holt was kidnapped by Chinese spies in a submarine so I’m not sure how reliable he was.

# Michael and La Toya Jackson are the same person.

Yeah? So what? Donny and Marie Osmond were the same person weren’t they?

Cats are aliens. No joke.

Scotto was sitting beside me on the couch watching this video on his laptop and as I peered over his shoulder I came to a staggering conclusion.

Cats are not of this world. Cats are aliens in a furry disguise. They’re most definitely extra-terrestrial creatures sent to spy on us, and eventually take over the world.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying I don’t like cats, I just think they’re hiding some terrifying secret to do with eventual world domination.

Think about it. Cats were mentioned once and once only in the entire Bible and there’s even some question if the reference was actually referring to a cat at all.

If they weren’t on the Ark how did they survive then?

You tell me. 

I know for a fact cats deplore water, so I’m sure they weren’t doing backstroke otter-style in the flood waters.

The Egyptians, on the other hand, revered the moggy, even mummifying them to be entombed along with the Pharaohs. If a cat died in an Egyptian house the entire family went into mourning just as they would if it had been a family member. Everyone in the house shaved their eyebrows.

 Cats were presented with jewellery… cats were big in the fertile crescent.

Throughout the centuries cats have adapted their vocal ability to… wait for it, this is f#cking scary… imitate the sound of a baby’s cry in order to get attention. 

Does that not sound mildly malevolent? This is probably why you always see firefighters lifting a bedraggled cat from the after rubble of an earthquake. 

The burly and dedicated fireman risks his life thinking he can hear a baby beneath the layers of debris then has to mask his bitter disappointment when he discovers it’s only a cat.

Have you ever wondered why they don’t send cats into space? Apparently the French planned to launch a cat called Felix, into space in 1963, BUT… Felix escaped. Can you imagine the security the French would have had surrounding the mission? And yet the space station was outwitted by an ordinary old cat. That’s freaking bizarre if you ask me. Monkeys, dogs, mice, guinea pigs, fire flies, rats, mealworms and even cockroaches all went off into space without a hitch… but the cat? No fricking WAY. That cat probably had an alien spaceship waiting around the corner for it.

Think about how cats are portrayed in Hollywood; Dr Evil and Mr Bigglesworth, Mr Jinx in Meet the Parents, those sh#tty Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp, Church from Pet Cemetery to name but a few fearsome felines that raise the hackles on the back of my neck.

I think I’m going to start keeping a closer eye on my cat.
You know… cats spend two-thirds of their life sleeping… but are they actually sleeping? Perhaps that’s when they’re connecting to the mother ship.

Cats can jump up to five times their own height and run at 49 kms per hour. Some experts believe that cats have magnetised cells in their brain that help them to find their way home. Phone home ET??

Even weirder… cats have no collar bone. This means they can squeeze into any orifice their head can squish through. There is a documented story of a cat called Andy who survived a fall from a 16 storey building. Could any other animal boast the same luck? A bird maybe…

I rest my case.

Cats are aliens.

(Just as I was about to post this, an ungodly scream from outside my front door frightened the effing bejesus out of me, seriously. It was the cat… I think it was warning me not to reveal its secret to the world. Now I'm scared.

                    This is my baby smother-er, Chelsea.

Photoshopping: Scotto

What really lazy bloggers do when they can't be a#sed to write.

And coming soon... LINTEREST

(Hand and bellybutton modelling by Scotto)

Pinky the Dirty Filthy Liar.

                                  Pinkoccio (7 years ago)

                 (even with a pencil for a nose I look better than I do now. W.T.F.????)

The lies I tell every day....

I need some head lice medication and a nit comb for the kids please. (To the smirking pharmacist)

I don’t think I ever actually received that email. (To anyone at all really)

No. I haven’t been cutting my own hair. (To disbelieving hairdresser)

I love it! (When the chary bitch cuts it way too short.)

I already have one. (In a French accent to hawkers in shopping centres)

Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me. (To 18 year old son Padraic when he asks for money again)

About twenty minutes. (To my ravenous teenagers when they ask how long until I get off my laptop and cook dinner.)

No more than 3 standard drinks a day (To disapproving doctor)

That’s okay. (To flippant doctor who says, “This might hurt a bit” during a smear test.)

The toilet stunk before I got here. (To overpowered colleagues at work.)

Swearing is not very nice. You never hear Mrs Poinker swearing do you? Of course not… because Mrs Poinker doesn’t swear! (To trusting ten year old students)

We don’t water our lawn to save water, not because we’re lazy. (To our sceptical friends and neighbours)

Clytemnestra! That’s an unusual name. I like it. Does she get Clit for short? (To a new doting parent.)

Good thanks! (My reply when the jaded, monotonal checkout chick asks me how my day was.)

That sounds great! (My reply to the friend I’ve run into who has just said, “Let’s get together for lunch” when I know we will never get around to it because we’ve been saying it for the last ten years.)

Neither do you! (My reply to some ancient friend I haven’t seen for ten years who tells me I don’t look any older since the last time they saw me.)

I heard every word you said. (When a tetchy Scotto accuses me of not listening to his enthralling description of how he reconfigured the home network using a wireless signal booster.)

I’ll pay you back. (To my teacher buddy Rachel, when I ‘borrow’ staples and sticky dots.)

That’s okay. (To the mother who apologises to me when her little sh#t of a brat rams a shopping trolley into my Achilles tendon.)

That’s okay. (To the person who mockingly shrugs at me when they have a full trolley at the 12 items or under check out.)

That’s okay. (To the dedicated checkout chick who decides she needs to count the money in her till when I finally make it to the counter.)

That’s okay. (When the blameless person in front of me has a third item that won’t scan and the checkout chick has to call someone over the P.A. to find the correct price… again.)

I’ll see you in six months then! (To the well-groomed receptionist after spending 30 agonising minutes in the dentist’s chair.)

I haven’t seen it. (To an agitated Scotto when I realise I’ve accidentally thrown out his 50 metre network cable because I thought it was old wiring rubbish.)

Sorry, I’m really busy that day. (When anyone invites me to a Tupperware/Little Kid’s party)

I’m really sorry about the mess. The house is usually much cleaner. (To every disgusted visitor we have.)

The hardest part is getting started. (Me trying to cajole an unwilling Padraic into commencing work on his English Shakespearean assignment.)

Boys don’t like girls who wear really short shorts. (To Lulu when she’s leaving the house dressed in a transparent handkerchief.)

                             I.Hate.Shopping.


Do any of the above sound familiar to you? If not… what lies do you tell?

Old Pinky's Wise Sayings

Inspired by reading Aesop's fables to my students, I feel I too have some wisdom to impart...

The best things in life are free which is great because money has burnt a hole in my pocket and I'm hoping no one picks up the money because finders are keepers.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back as it was trying to squeeze through the eye of a needle which happened to be a needle in a haystack which is where the straw came from. Paramedics grasped at the straws but it was too late to save the camel.

Birds of a feather flock together except for the one that was caught by someone’s hand while the other two hid in the bush. That’s when you have to kill two birds with one stone or eat crow.

A job worth doing is worth doing tomorrow because everyone knows all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and a master of no trades.

Apples don’t fall far from a tree but if you upset the apple cart one might fall out and get bruised and become rotten to the core and you know that one bad apple can spoil a bunch.

A dark horse which refuses to drink water you’ve led it to, is actually just a horse of a different colour and I got this straight from the gift horse’s mouth so get off your high horse.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s a duck unless it eats like a bird and has eyes like a hawk. Then it’s a duckbirdhawk which are as rare as hen’s teeth.

There’s a fly in some ointment on the wall.

The world is your oyster and if you’re unlucky you might break your tooth on some pearls of wisdom.

It’s bad to be caught between a rock and a hard place especially if you’re caught with your pants down.

“If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen!” called the pot to the black kettle as it went from the frying pan into the fire.

A friendship between fool’s gold and a rough diamond is forever.

Don’t cross that burnt bridge until you come to it.

A stitch in time means the slow and steady guy behind you will win the race.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but his eyes are bigger than his belly so in actual fact his eyes are the window to his soul.

If Bob’s your uncle and he recently died, where there’s a will you’d better hope you’re in it.

If a chain is only as strong as its weakest link you’d better hope it’s true that barking dogs seldom bite.

Someone let the cat out of the bag, it jumped on the hot tin roof found a rat with a gold tooth, dragged it in and now it thinks it’s the cat’s miaow.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket because when your chickens come home to roost there won’t be any room left.

The early bird gets the worm unless the worm has turned and then it’s a different can of worms.

Revenge is a dish best served cold but revenge is sweet so revenge must be chocolate ice-cream.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, especially if you’re living with the Poinkers who don’t water their lawn and wait for the clouds with silver linings and save their water for a rainy day.

If you haven’t had a boyfriend for a while don’t worry, it’s probably the calm before the storm. It never rains it pours but don’t settle for any old port in a storm.

Anything to add?

Twenty-two reasons why they should make a Hollywood movie about the Poinkers

The more I listen to the comings and goings in this household, the more I’m certain we should be in a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

Here are twenty-two examples of what I’m talking about…

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Pinky’s response to Scotto informing her about who made the Footy Grand Finals. 

Gone With the Wind

"Pablo, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." Celine the Fox Terrier telling Pablo the Chihuahua they’ve just been checked in to the boarding kennels for two weeks. 
The Wizard of Oz.

“Go ahead, make my day.” Scotto watching pooping Ibises about to fly on to the freshly hosed patio. 

Sudden Impact.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate." Pinky to Scotto when he forgets to put the bins out on Tuesday nights. 

Cool Hand Luke.


“I love the smell of your underarm in the morning.” Pablo the Chihuahua when he wakes up and Pinky is snoring on top of him. Apocalypse Now



“P.P. phone home.” Text message sent to teenager Padraic Poinker’s phone at least eight times every weekend. E.T.


"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." What Pinky says when she cracks open a bottle of Louis Latour Chardonnay. Casablanca



"A teenager once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." Pinky explaining to Padraic that as he’s her fourth teenager she knows all the tricks already. Silence of the Lambs

“Show me the money!” Pinky accosting Hagar for the car registration fee he borrowed from her as he walks in the door on payday. Jerry Maguire

“You can’t handle the truth!” Pinky explaining why she can’t tell Scotto how much she paid for her new shoes. 

A Few Good Men

“After all, tomorrow is another day.” Padraic making another excuse for not mowing the lawn when Pinky has already paid him. 

Gone With the Wind

“I’ll have what she’s having.” Pablo the Chihuahua watching his sister Celine chewing on a bone. 

When Harry Met Sally



“I’ll be back.” Scotto as he leaves for work every day. 

The Terminator.

"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Scotto finding one of Pinky’s hairs in his spaghetti bolognese.

Forrest Gump



“I see dead cockroaches.” Pinky when she comes downstairs to the kitchen in the morning. 

The Sixth Sense

“It’s alive! It’s alive!” Pinky when she tries to pick one up by its feelers. 

Frankenstein



“You had me at ‘hello’” Pinky when Scotto brings her coffee and vegemite toast in bed. 

(Jerry Maguire)



"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape." Pinky ten minutes later. Jokes. 

Planet of the Apes.

“My precious.” Scotto retrieving the gourmet corn chips he hid from the teenage locusts in the back of the fridge. 

Lord of the Rings.



“Yo, Adrian.” Pablo being cool. 

 Rocky.

“I’m King of the World!” Scotto when he makes a new level in World of Warcraft. 

Titanic.



"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!" Our neighbour to Pinky when Pablo has been out the back barking at nothing all day. 

(Wizard of Oz)