Introducing a guest writer: Celine (Miniature Fox Terrier)
Poor Pinky has really lost it this time. I put it down to ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’. The first to fly the coop was Thaddeus. He’s the one who smokes and comes home at three o'clock in the morning singing opera at the top of his voice. Then that little sh#t Jonah (the one I don’t like because he torments me) went off to attend University in the Big Smoke. Then we have Hagar and Padraic who operate like a couple of Tom cats and are never home even though they allegedly live here. And finally Lulu, the pre-occupied teenage girl who doesn’t even acknowledge Pinky unless she needs money or a lift somewhere.
When I arrived on the scene there were already two dogs, a cat and a parrot in residence. Pinky was clearly desperately seeking love and affection since her thankless offspring had absconded so abruptly.
Then I entered the picture and all of Pinky’s redundant affection was projected on to moi.
The question begs to be asked; why wasn’t I enough for her?
Foolishly, Pinky and Scotto went out on a Saturday morning to hire a video and came back with another bloody dog! Dog is probably a contradiction in terms; rodent would be closer to the mark. It’s an ugly little bulgy-headed, pop-eyed Chihuahua they've named ‘Pablo’.
I’m mightily p#ssed off, but as I apparently have to learn to live with the little mongrel I’ve resolved to take him under my wing and have thus compiled some sage advice for the Mexican midget.
Learn to beg my little Gringo. If you want treats learn to balance on your hind legs, spin around three times and add little extra traits like tilting your head to the side endearingly. It sucks Pinky in every time.
Don’t trust the cat. It will let you sniff its bum and act all unconcerned, then suddenly swipe you with its claws and sink its fangs into your neck. Believe me, I’ve been there.
Learn to jump, Burrito. The three teenagers who occasionally grace us with their presence are a prolific source of fast food snacks. By jumping on to the dining room table via a chair you can always find unfinished McDonald’s burgers and assorted crumbs they’ve neglected to throw away.
The question begs to be asked; why wasn’t I enough for her?
Foolishly, Pinky and Scotto went out on a Saturday morning to hire a video and came back with another bloody dog! Dog is probably a contradiction in terms; rodent would be closer to the mark. It’s an ugly little bulgy-headed, pop-eyed Chihuahua they've named ‘Pablo’.
I’m mightily p#ssed off, but as I apparently have to learn to live with the little mongrel I’ve resolved to take him under my wing and have thus compiled some sage advice for the Mexican midget.
Learn to beg my little Gringo. If you want treats learn to balance on your hind legs, spin around three times and add little extra traits like tilting your head to the side endearingly. It sucks Pinky in every time.
Don’t trust the cat. It will let you sniff its bum and act all unconcerned, then suddenly swipe you with its claws and sink its fangs into your neck. Believe me, I’ve been there.
Learn to jump, Burrito. The three teenagers who occasionally grace us with their presence are a prolific source of fast food snacks. By jumping on to the dining room table via a chair you can always find unfinished McDonald’s burgers and assorted crumbs they’ve neglected to throw away.
According to Pinky they “don’t know how to wipe down a f#*ing table”.
Know your place my tiny Enchilada. Pinky lets me sleep in her bed and if you try to come between us during the night I will bite you on your chico ass. The same goes if you even so much as look at any of my thirty-four toys.
My final piece of advice Taquito is this; when Christmas time comes and Pinky tries to dress you up in a ridiculous Santa costume, run for the hills my little Amigo! Run for the hills!
Know your place my tiny Enchilada. Pinky lets me sleep in her bed and if you try to come between us during the night I will bite you on your chico ass. The same goes if you even so much as look at any of my thirty-four toys.
My final piece of advice Taquito is this; when Christmas time comes and Pinky tries to dress you up in a ridiculous Santa costume, run for the hills my little Amigo! Run for the hills!
