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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Ocsober: The Biggest Boozer Challenge

I arrived home from lunch with the girls at about 5:30 pm this afternoon after Scotto picked me up from the pub.

He was noticeably annoyed with me because I was a bit slurry, unsteady, overly garrulous and not my usual self.

I’d drunk an entire bottle of wine you see and he was stone cold sober.

That’s never a good thing when one person is sober and the other person is silly as a fruit bat, is it?

I tried to fool myself that a few deep breaths and a glass of water would see me right but by the time I arrived home everything was in strobe lighting, I had violent hiccups and I had to have a short nap on the couch.

What’s that strobe lighting thing about? Is it common or is it just me?

Not good for a woman my age really either way.

I decided that even though my liver had a lovely break from the havoc I wreaked on it (in my twenties and thirties) when I was abstinent from 1989 to 2006, when I was pregnant or breastfeeding, it’s probably about time I gave it a slight reprieve during the spring of 2015.

Even though I probably started with a brand new liver in 2006, I’ve most likely fudged the poor thing up since then and everyone deserves a break, even an organ as vulgar as a liver.


It’s a random, spur of the moment decision but I’m doing it.

It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be really fudging hard.

It’s going to be boring.

Very bloody boring. Very bloody, bloody boring.

I mean, how tedious will it be when I have to feed the dogs, water the expensive newly laid lawn and watch X Factor without a glass of crisp Wolf Blass Chardy in my hand?

How will I go to sleep? How will I come up with my silly but hilarious comments when castigating the television presenters every night, amusing Scotto and making the dogs chortle in hysteria?

God help me!

I’ll be the most boring person in the world. More boring than the guy that serves me at Coles and wants to talk about what I’ve been up to today and I reply ‘Nothing mate’ and he says ‘That’s good’., as he packs my incontinence pads in with the dog food.

My blog posts will be pitiful. Bleeding and sickening they’ll be.
Even worse than usual!

My blog won’t have that ‘silly’ factor anymore. It will be like something a normal person might write.

I’ll be like Coleridge without his opium, Steve Jobs without his LSD, Homer Simpson without his Duff.

You don’t think I can do it do you?

I can tell by the curve of your smile. You think I’ll buckle and cave in like a soggy, cardboard cask of wine someone left out on the front lawn under the sprinkler.

Well I’ll show you, you doubting Thomas. I will do this. I will go for the entire month of October without drinking any alcohol and I will continue to pump out the same amount of blog posts at the same substandard, amateur level as I always have.


Okay... bets on. How long do you think I can last?