Pinky Poinker: Pinky's Interview with the Family Parrot

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Pinky's Interview with the Family Parrot

Farfel the Lorikeet

Farfel, the family’s Rainbow Lorikeet lives just outside our kitchen window and is privy to many of the nefarious goings on at Chez Poinker. I thought he would make an excellent subject to interview in order to gain a more insightful portrait of our day to day lives.

Interview transcript: Warning- this is not for the faint-hearted.

Interviewer: Pinky

Interviewee: Farfel- Rainbow Lorikeet

Interview Setting: Interview conducted outside kitchen window at 3:00 pm on Thursday afternoon.

(Start of Interview)

Interviewer: So I suppose you have some fairly interesting stories to tell as the resident parrot at Chez Poinker over the last five years Farfel?

Interviewee: Oh for f#ck’s sake! Let’s get this straight first… I’m not a parrot you stupid b#tch! I’m a lorikeet which is a completely different f#ckin thing!

Interviewer: (Startled) My apologies… I thought it was the same thing.

Interviewee: Yeah… well you should have done some f#ckin research shouldn’t ya?

Interviewer: Right… (swallowing nervously), Farfel would you like to talk about your interactions with the kids in the house?

Interviewee: You mean F#ckin D#ckhead, Lame W#nker and Smelly Little B#tchface?

Interviewer: (Choking on my own saliva) Farfel! I’m sorry but could you tone down your language please? Why are you calling the kids those horrible names?

Interviewee: What do you mean? That’s what they call each other isn’t it? (yelling) Dinner!

Interviewer: Well… their names are actually Hagar, Padraic and Lulu.

Interviewee: Is that a fact? Well, who f#ckin knew…? (yelling) Dinner!

Interviewer: Farfel, may I ask why you keep yelling out ‘Dinner!’?

Interviewee: Because at 7 o’clock every night I hear you screaming it out at the top of your lungs about twenty times in a row you dumb a#se. I can’t get it out of my f#ckin head.

Interviewer: Farfel I can’t help but comment that your language is a little vulgar. Could you explain this anomaly?

Interviewee: Listen you f#ckin sook! I learnt it from your a#sehole brats so don’t blame me. I’m in a sh#t box of a cage right outside the frickin kitchen window and it’s all I f#ckin hear all day. They swear like bloody sailors. (yelling) Dinner!

Interviewer: Okaaaaay… Let’s tackle another question. What are some memorable incidents you might like to relate to the readers?

Interviewee: Well I suppose there was that time when ‘Nerdy B#stard’ came over for dinner…

Interviewer: You must mean Thaddeus?

Interviewee: Yeah, the one that goes to f#ckin university. Well him and ‘Lame W#nker’ got in a massive fight and ‘Nerdy Bastard’ chucked a full plate of Spaghetti Bolognese at him. That was entertaining! (He chuckles at the memory.)

Interviewer: Do you remember what happened after that?

Interviewee: Are you fr#ggin senile Pinky? You remember what happened don’t you? You came storming down the bloody stairs like a she-devil, smacked the b#stards over the head with a tea towel, screamed at them to clean it up and ran upstairs and cried on your f#ckin bed. (yelling) Dinner!

Interviewer: Hmmm… that is true. What happened after that?

Interviewee: From memory you spent the next six weeks finding bits of spaghetti all over the kitchen. I remember hearing you bitterly muttering things like,
“What… not in the damn toaster as well?” and “Will I ever stop finding freaking spaghetti in the cutlery drawer?”

Interviewer: That’s very accurate, Farfel. You know… I’m feeling a bit stressed out by this interview and think it’s probably time we finished it off. Do you have any final words to impart?

Interviewee: Yeah. I don’t want to be a f#ckin dobber but you need to know a few things… ‘F#ckin D#ckhead’ drinks the milk straight out of the bottle, ‘Lame W#nker’ allowed his friends to stub out their cigarettes in your Nativity Scene at Christmas and ‘Smelly Little B#tchface’ chucks her broccoli down the garbage disposal every night when you’re not looking.

Interviewer: That’s very interesting. Thanks for your time and your enlightening information, Farfel.