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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Two Degrees of Separation

Pinky, Lulu and Petal at Rainbow Bay

Even though all five Poinker children promised on their mother’s life to be here on the mountain on Christmas day, only one of them managed to turn up. 

(Note to self: change Last Will and Testament).

Lulu, the 20 year old daughter, appeared on Christmas Eve on her way to the Byron Bay Falls Creek music festival and could spare three days out of her demanding schedule to eat the plum pudding and recharge her phone at Poinker Palazzo.

I missed having my boys here but it was lovely to have Princess Lulu in residence. I don’t know how but she ate three kilograms of creamy potato bake, half a chicken, five slices of turkey and eight bowls of icecream then went for a thirty minute run after Christmas lunch without spewing.


She now towers about six centimetres over me and I’m not a short arse. The phrase, ‘Amazonian Warrior’, springs to mind when I take in her statuesque frame.

I made sure to inform her that her excellent physique is probably due to the fact that I breastfed her until she was two years old.

“You’re gross,” she sniffed in disgust. “Why would you even TELL me that?”

She left this morning as I was busy preparing for the arrival of some highly esteemed guests.

“So who’s coming,” Lulu asked as I was busily vanilla spraying the toilet seat.

“It’s a famous blogger from Sydney coming to lunch with her significant other,” I replied as I pinched tiny bits of vegemite out of the margarine tub. “I want to make a good impression.”

“Have you… like… met her before?” Lulu asked, scoffing down a protein shake.

“No,” I shrugged as I tried to scrape old orange flakes from the champagne flutes. “But I’ve known her for three years through blogging. Did I tell you she’s a bit famous?”

“You’re weird,” Lulu said, “Why would you be friends with someone you’ve never met?”
I tried to explain how I am actually very good friends with several other bloggers who I’ve met online and they have been to visit me and I them, several times. In fact, I met her step father (of twelve years) online, but kids these days… they just don’t understand the Internet.

So who was my famous blogging friend? 

None other than the delightful Alana House from House Goes Home, that’s who. 

Scotto, Pinky, Alana and DD

Alana brought her exceptionally handsome and witty, scientist boyfriend, DD, along and we gave them a quick tour of the mountain before Alana confirmed my suspicion that she and I are completely compatible by dismissing my half-hearted suggestion of looking at the shops and opted to go to the pub for a coldie instead.

“Shops make me feel exhausted,” she said.

As I said, I was attempting to impress this ravishing Sydney socialite and I couldn’t decide what to serve for lunch.

I opted for barbequed sausages because… barbequed sausages are yummy. They were fancy sausages though, not just your run of the mill Bunnings snags. They were Italian sausages. I had to eat the vegetarian ones which tasted like corrugated cardboard but I think the carnivores enjoyed the Italian variety.

I also bought a bottle of Procetto which I knew Alana liked because I read it on her blog. She drinks Procetto on the beach with her significant other so I knew it would be a hit. I thought Procetto was a type of dry-cured ham, but there you go.

Alana made me a bit jealous by telling me a story about how she had lunch with the Bondi Vet once. As you know I have a soft spot for the Bondi Vet. I wanted her to stay for the whole night but she had to go to another party. 

The Bondi Vet was probably going, I bet.

Anyway, we had a great afternoon and I lubbed her so it IS possible to be friends with people you meet on the Internet, kids.

P.S: Don’t be friends with people on the Internet if they say they’re a prince in Nigeria or if they say they want to show you something ‘special’ on Skype. Also, apparently the Bondi Vet is just as really, really, really good looking in real life as he is on the telly.