Pinky's Book Link

Saturday, November 30, 2013

How to Survive a Staff Christmas Party

                                      Toni Basil

I read in the newspaper yesterday that staff parties are highly dangerous in the respect that alcohol acts as a truth serum and many people wreck future career prospects with their big, well-oiled mouths.

Last night, I spent six hours in the same room as 100 colleagues and their partners at our "Eighties Themed" staff party. The champagne was flowing but apart from certain staff members hilariously falling off the stage during a dance-off competition, I’m fairly certain there were no serious incidents of inappropriate revelry.

The only foreseeable staff party dangers as far as I’m concerned are the grisly hangover you’re possibly going to suffer the next day, the remorseful and cringe-worthy flashbacks of your own flamboyant ‘sexy’ dancing and… THE PHOTOGRAPHS!

So here are the self-reflective tips I have (after the fact) for avoiding these mortifying issues.

1. Try to block photographs of yourself after a set time (when you’re plastered) so you don’t fall into the trap of pulling outlandish faces, poses or experiencing a wardrobe malfunction.

2. Do a bit of detective work prior to the party when you're deciding on a costume.

It would be such a shame if somebody else turned up in the same outfit!

         Meet...Mario (Mel), Luigi (Scotto), Mario (O'Reilly), Luigi (Rachel)      

3. Make sure you are adventurous in your wardrobe choices. One thing you don't want to do is merely blend in with the scenery.

4. When posing for photos try to stand with perfect posture ...

                       Blondie (Trina), Rubik's Cube (Emmsie), Amy.

If you're snapped leaning against a wall, or worse another body, you could wind up looking like a piss pot.

    Kazza, Emma, Kyles, Pinky, Shazza ... more lean than the Tower of Pisa.

5. No matter how infused with endearment for your beautiful colleagues you are, refrain from repeatedly telling them how much you LOVE them. They will tire of it quite quickly.

                                                  Rachael putting Pinky in a headlock.

6. Just like "planking", photobombing is extremely childish and so yesterday... look it up Greggles. Don't do it!

       Pinky trying to have a nice photo taken with the party mastermind, Kyles.

7. Remember that a group of people have been working hard in the background to make this special night a success.
Offer to help out if you can.

                                                 Pinky Poinker helping to judge the Dance Off.

8. Finally, to avoid that horrible hangover; take two aspirin before you leave for the party and two more when you get home (with a glass of milk). This will prevent inflammation of blood vessels in the brain. It may make your stomach bleed but you won't have a headache in the morning and I know which I'd prefer! 
(This is not authentic medical advice but the voice of experience)

9. If you do wake up feeling as though a bat has shat in your mouth there's always this sure fire way to feel better...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

How much sex is normal?

Image Credit

Did you know that lions and tigers have sex over fifty times a day for four consecutive days?

It’s true. I saw it on a David Attenborough documentary on the telly last night.

“What’s wrong with you then?” I daringly challenged Scotto, who was sitting beside me on the couch, relaxed and enjoying a chilled Corona and corn chips.

Look at him!” Scotto spat his corn chips, pointing at the screen.

The exhausted tiger wallowed languidly in a creek, watching a wildebeest provocatively sauntering close by. The wildebeest was giving the tiger the finger.

“He’s too shattered to even bother chasing the deer thing! His willy’s probably burning like hell. He’s trying to cool it down in the water. You can see his face wincing!” Scotto choked on his beer.

Men! They have an excuse for everything!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Is it okay to re-gift unwanted presents for Christmas?

I’ve only ever re-gifted once and that incident resulted in enough mortification to last a lifetime.

We put on a party for Thaddeus when he turned four and he happened to receive two thoughtfully presented but identical “Bananas in Pyjamas” books. 

Thrifty Pinky put one book aside in a drawer for any future pre-schooler’s birthday parties Thaddeus may attend.

Sure enough, about two weeks later he was invited to another rugrat shindig... so I carefully re-wrapped the Bananas book and tucked it under Thaddeus’ tiny arm for him to present to the lucky recipient.

The next week at pre-school, the mother of the afore-mentioned child approached me at the gate wielding said book. 

“We thought we’d better give little Thaddeus his book back,” she smiled without using her eyes. Before I could recover from my spluttering seizure, she’d swivelled around abruptly and trounced off.

“How the heck did she know?” I thought in mystified embarrassment.

It wasn’t until later when I opened it up to read it to one of the kids at bedtime that I noticed the handwritten inscription inside the front cover,

“To darling Thaddeus, 

all our love from Auntie Julie, Uncle Mike and cousins.”


Sunday, November 24, 2013

What’s in your Handbag? Pinky Reveals All.

Image Credit

Well… I’ve been waiting for a national magazine to call me requesting a feature story on “What I keep in my handbag” and it’s not been forthcoming so I guess I will just have to do the feature myself.

What Does Pinky Store in her Hermes Handbag?

1. Aromatherapy drops to dab on my temples in times of stress.

2. My Chanel No.5 perfume which I NEVER leave the house without.

3. Caviar hand cream I picked up in Paris.

4. My Apple iPhone 5 because I'm such an Apple fanboy :)

5. Lancome lipstick so I'm always looking my best.

6. The Little Book of Calm to keep me centred.

7. A manicure set for those little snags.

8. Rescue Remedy to get me through the busy day.

9. A holiday snap of the family skiing at Aspen last Christmas.

1. To say something you really don't mean and make sure everyone around you heard it. (Urban Dictionary)

This is what is really in my handbag...

1. A plethora of old, scrunched up grocery receipts.

2. An asthma puffer (even though I don't get asthma unless I eat pickled onions) because you never know!

3. Some yoyo string Scotto wants me to take to work for Kyles' husband Troy???

4. Half a packet of Soothers circa January 2013.

5. A Breast Cancer Pen.

6. Chewable Disprin for the inevitable headache.

7. Berocca to keep me awake.

8. Sorbolene hand cream I picked up at Coles.

9. A half chewed packet of Nicorettes.

This must be why I haven't heard from any women's magazines huh?

Friday, November 22, 2013

What Do You Search for on Google?

If you read Pinky Poinker regularly you will have noted my penchant for writing silly lists.

You know what I mean; Signs of Getting Old, Signs you spend too much time blogging, Signs of Your Cat Being an Alien… that sort of rubbish.

Well today, I was feeling a tad lazy and thought I’d nick an idea from Google to satirise.

I typed in “Signs of a” just to see what Mr Google would throw up as the most popular searches and perhaps find inspiration with which to entertain you all.

In horrified fascination I went through the entire alphabet of what the top #4 most frequent searches by the global community are when looking for 

“signs of…”

Autism, A heart attack, A stroke, Anxiety.

Breast cancer, Bipolar, Bowel cancer, Being pregnant

Cancer, Concussion, Cervical cancer, Cheating

Depression, Diabetes, Dehydration, Dementia

Early labour, Early pregnancy, Ectopic pregnancy, Emotional abuse

Food poisoning, Fatigue, Falling in love, Flirting

Gastro, Gestational diabetes, Going into labour, Gluten intolerance

Heart attack, High blood pressure, HIV, Heart problems

Iron deficiency, Internal Bleeding, Infection, Implantation

Jealousy, Judgement Day Jaundice, Jealousy in men

Kidney failure, Kidney infection, Kidney disease, Kidney stones

Labour, Lung cancer, Liver cancer, Leukemia

Miscarriage, Measles, Menopause, MS

Neglect, Nervous breakdown, Neurological dysfunction, Negative fluid balance

Ovulation, Ovarian cancer, Overtraining, Ovarian cysts

Pregnancy, Pneumonia, Prostate cancer, Parvo

Qiyamah (Day of Judgement), Qayamat (Doomsday), Q Fever, Qayamat already happened

Uti, Urinary infection, Uterine cancer, Underactive Thyroid

Vitamin D deficiency, Very early pregnancy, Vertigo, Vaginal Thrush

Worms, Whooping cough, Worms in kids, Wear

Xanax, Xanax addiction, Xanax overdose, Xylitol poisoning in dogs

Yeast infection, Your period, Your water breaking, Your first period

Zodiac, Zinc deficiency, Zinc Toxicity, Zodiac Dates

All I can say is, “Lighten the hell up, guys!”

I would have preferred to find “signs of…” 

Alcohol’s Benefits 
Beauty in the Fifth Decade 
Calories are a Myth 
Diets are Dangerous 
Ears that stick out are an indicator of intelligence 
Fairies are real and living in YOUR garden
Ghandi is alive and living in Queensland with Elvis
Hedonism is the latest trend 
Ironing is a Dying Art 
Junk Food can be good for you 
KFC is made from rodents not chickens 
Leaving things to the last minute is good for your health 

Myer's having a 90% sale within the next week 
Nits are reaching extinction levels
Old is the new young 
Paleo diet makes people grow hair on their back 
Quinoa is not actually supposed to be ingested 
Rocket scientists aren’t that smart 
Sanity is overrated 
Telstra is closing down for good 
UFOs are real 
Vampire movies and TV shows are losing their appeal 
Weather Forecasters being questioned on their credibility 
X Factor courting 50+ contestants soon 
Ying and Yang are really back to front 

and finally…

Zombie movies are about to be banned in 196 countries.

Image credit: Scotto

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fur Flies as the End of the School Year Approaches

You can tell we’re nearing the end of the school year…

The fighting, bickering, paranoid behaviour and personal slurs have escalated. 

I’ve witnessed savage elbow jabbing into ribs in tussles at the pigeon holes, eyes rolling in barely concealed impatience and the odd Chinese burn inflicted on an imprudent victim who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

…and that’s just between the teachers in the staffroom.

Everyone’s tired. Our edges are rapidly fraying and seams splitting revealing the soft, ultra-sensitive underbellies beneath.

The School Guidance Counsellor, Julie, has set up a pamper station in the staffroom laden with bowls of chocolate, hand gels, stress balls, candles and self-help books.

Someone should tell her we need something a little stronger; like Valium and Gin.

Today, after finishing a gruelling lesson on pictographs as I was handing out some practise worksheets I wearily said to the kids, “If anyone is having trouble with a question just give me a ring.”

They stared at me with amusement, “But we don’t have any phones Mrs Poinker!” chimed twenty-eight highly entertained students.

Besides the fact that we teachers are shattered after a long year, it’s also the dreaded Report Card time again.

Writing reports (as I commented on poetically last semester….click here) used to be so simple. My teachers hand-wrote whatever sarcastic criticisms came to mind as they sat with their oil lamps burning and a half empty bottle of sherry beside them.

                          School Report for Pinky Poinker 1978
Mrs Wordsmith
Whilst Pinky should be commended on her ability to write an expanded essay based on the title and front cover of the text; “Lord of the Flies” was not about a pig who learns to fly a plane and breaks his glasses, thus causing him to crash the plane into a rainforest riddled with flies.
More effort is required in this subject next semester.
Mr Pickles
Thank you for the lovely letter you wrote me on your blank test paper, Pinky. 

I’m sorry but I can’t pass you even though I am sorry to hear you lost your revision sheets and had a migraine the night before your exam.
Ancient History
Miss Seenitall
Quoting two verses and a chorus of “ Rivers of Babylon” by Boney M is not a reflection of Mesopotamian Society in 1893 BC.
Pinky should try harder.
Modern History
Mrs Churchill
The “Rats of Tobruk” were not actual ‘rats’ and were most certainly not the cause of the Bubonic Plague in Europe in World War Two.
Pinky is not reaching her true potential.
Mr Weboflife
If Pinky had spent less time throwing frog entrails around the classroom during dissection in order to make Shirleen Hooper vomit and spent more time doing her assignments (of which she submitted-0)
perhaps she may have passed this subject.
Mr Dodgy
Who is this Pinky Poinker? 
I don’t believe I’ve ever met her. I thought she must have left the school because she’s never been to any classes, ever.

Teachers must have had FUN writing reports back in those days.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Three Hints on How to Keep a Secret

So... someone dear to you has told you a big, juicy, luscious secret

Nothing bad mind you… just a little piece of hush-hush they’ve entrusted you with. 

How do you resist the temptation to reveal your delicious, clandestine parcel of succulence? Here's some advice...

1. Whatever you do, when the subject comes up in conversation with a third party do not adopt a Sergeant Schultz accent and walk off saying, 
“I know nothink, I know nothink!”

It will immediately raise suspicion.

2.  If the person who told you the secret is not in the vicinity, do not deliberately bring his/her name up in the hope that some discerning person has picked up on something odd going on, merely to feed your smug wisdom. 

It will backfire when your face automatically assumes a superior expression, giving your insider-info savvy away and you will be inundated with twenty ‘yes or no’ questions. There will be no mercy. Fingernails will be torn from your fingers in attempts to extricate information.

# Do not cough loudly and ostentatiously stare at your feet when the secret-holder’s name comes up just to draw attention to the fact that you may KNOW something. 

Even though you haven’t quite done a little jig whilst singing “I know something that YOU don’t know!” your transfixed audience will catch on and drill you relentlessly until you explode and reveal all.

In other words… never tell Pinky a secret because she won’t be able to keep it.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Pinky Poinker tells…Why Teachers Make More Interesting Lovers

So… you’ve just started dating a teacher? Well there are few little things you need to know first…

# If you ring and cancel a date due to sickness you’re going to have to give her a note from your mother.

# If you accidentally call her “Mummy” she’ll just smile indulgently.

# If she catches you playing with your balls she’s going to lock them in the bottom of her desk drawer until the end of term.

# If she catches you showing anyone else your balls she’s going to confiscate them indefinitely.

# If you don’t know how to hold your pencil properly she’ll show you how.

# She’ll insist you be in the correct position when you’re holding your pencil.

# She’ll demand you keep your pencil sharp at all times.

# If you misbehave or argue back you will be required to stand outside the door for five minutes.

# When it’s a rainy day she’ll insist you stay indoors with her all day.

# If you drop by when she’s busy doing marking she will put a G rated movie on and make you watch it without talking for an hour.

# She won’t let you go outside to play without a hat.

# Your phone will be sequestered when you walk through the front door.

# If you have a Pacer she will help you put the lead in your pencil.

# She has plenty of spare rubbers in her drawer.

# You will receive a comprehensive written report on your performance twice a year.

And what happens if two teachers get together?

Why it’s a match made in Heaven of course.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Pinky Bites: How to Avoid Cooking for an Entire Week.

With Padraic and Lulu both off for a week at end of school celebrations there's only 20 year old, Hagar and husband, Scotto left at home... so Pinky has decided not to cook for a week.

Below you will discover seven gastronomic delights my family go mad over. Your ravenous family may find them equally yummy should you, on occasion, feel too weary to drag yourself into the hot kitchen and instead languish in a tepid, bubble bath with a glass of champagne and Michael Buble serenading you in the background.

Sunday night (Preparation time for your forthcoming week of hedonistic indulgence)

Sassy Spaghetti Bol- Pinky Style

Quickly brown 1 kg Mince.

Throw in a can of tinned tomatoes and a jar of tomato paste plus a cup of water. Stir every 10 minutes for 30 minutes and serve on boiled pasta. Delicious extravagance.

Monday Night

Left over "Sassy Spaghetti Bol!"

Tuesday night

Pinky’s Tender and Voluptuous Chicken Wraps

Heat chicken tenders in oven for 20 minutes.

Add crisp, shredded lettuce, cheese and barbeque sauce encased in soft wraps and it all looks and tastes just spliffy darlings!

Wednesday night

Pinky’s Hot-Ding-a-Dogs

Take one hot dog and place inside an open hot dog roll. Bazinga darlings!

Add barbeque or tomato sauce and cheese as desired. Simply scrumptious!

Thursday night

‘Steak Pinky’ with Cheeky Crunchy Potato Batons

Toss a steak over three or four times in an oiled pan until it’s succulent… you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Place Potato Batons in oven on 230 degrees for twenty minutes.

Presto! Bon appetite!

Friday night

Middle-Eastern Kebabs with Fluffed Rice a-la-Pinky-style.

Buy pre-made and marinated kebabs from Deli. Place in oven at 180 degrees for twenty minutes.

Place sachet of rice in microwave for 90 seconds. Make sure you squeeze the sachet sensuously beforehand.

Pour rice on plate and add desired kebabs. Lick your delicious fingers afterwards.

                        Here's one I prepared earlier!

Saturday night

Pinkster Hamburgers with the Lot

These beauties take about 2 minutes to cook on both sides. Add to a burger roll and with various salad items in the crisper this makes a truly opulent meal fit for a King… or Queen.

Sunday night

Pinky's Golden Arches Special!

Some people caution that Schoolies is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah and that any parent who allows their kids to attend is sending them straight to an eternity in Hell.

I reckon at least mine will eat better than if they stayed at home this week, possums!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Our Birds have Left the Nest.

Birds of Tokyo’s beautiful anthem “Lanterns” seems to be the graduation song of 2013. My school sang it yesterday at the Valedictory Assembly as did Lulu’s school this morning. I attended Padraic’s V.A. at 9:00am then scooted over to Lulu’s at 11:00.

It’s been a bit of an emotional day.

“In darkness I leave, for a place I’ve never seen

It’s been calling out to me, that is where I should be.”

I love those lyrics… the promise of unknown lives about to unfold.

Personally I just want them to get through schoolies next week.

              Padraic: last time in a school uniform ever!

                           Padraic and the lads!

          Bet their teachers are breathing a sigh of relief.

              Sanri, Lulu and Lucy: last time in uniform.

                               Pinky and Lulu.

The final Guard of Honour!

Good luck guys! Make sure you soar with the eagles!

I'll never be able to hear this song again without thinking of you.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

First Installment of ...School Formal F#%K Ups

Wednesday morning at ground zero...

7:30am: Pinky opens Padraic’s bedroom door only to find he’s still not home from last night.

7:32am: Opens Lulu’s door and corroborates with her to meet up at home after work as early as she can get away and drop her to Jock’s (boyfriend) place at 4:00pm sharp for photo shoot.

8:00am: Pinky arrives at school and parks Golden Boy in superior, strategic location for quick getaway in afternoon.

Pinky runs through plans in head. Leave school at 3:00, pick up corsages, rush home, help Lulu dress, drive her to Jock’s house, take photos, rush back home by five pm to take snaps of Padraic and his partner Keely before they leave.

Pinky high fives herself for superwoman-like organisational skills!

3:00pm: Pinky travels home just under speed limit. Can’t risk speeding fine.

3:25 pm: Pinky sashays into florist and scoops up prepaid corsages. Pinky is just too cool for school.

3:30pm: Arrives home,
Lulu's not there... where the hell is she??? 

Sh#t a brick.

Pinky locates Padraic, in coma-like state on couch. He grumpily mumbles that Keely is picking him up at 4:00 to drive him to the park to have photos taken... but will return here at 5:00pm so that obliging neighbour can drive them to formal in his flash car.

3:35pm: Pinky rings Lulu to determine her whereabouts. She’s still waiting at shopping mall to have professional makeup done. Lulu will be very late home. 

Pinky’s finely tuned plans go devastatingly awry.

3:40pm: Pinky thinks on her feet… informs Padraic she will take his photos at 4:00 when Keely arrives instead of 5:00.

3:50pm: Padraic is still asleep on couch. Pinky wants to scream at him to get up and put his suit on... but stops herself. Veins are sticking out on her temple.

4:00pm: The gorgeous Keely arrives. Padraic is still asleep on couch.

4:05pm: Keely rebukes slack-arse Padraic then leaves to retrieve a tie she forgot to bring for the unpunctual youth.

4:07pm: Hagar and Padraic have a loud and vitriolic skirmish on the staircase because P. drank H’s pineapple juice. 
H. threatens to give P. a black eye. 

Much swearing ensues. Pinky breaks it up by screaming threatening obscenities at them. 

Pinky needs a fricking drink badly but it’s too early. 

Still no sign of Lulu.

4:12pm: Keely arrives once again and Pinky makes futile attempts at tying a half Nelson Windsor for Padraic. Not possible. Does dodgy school-boy tie style instead. Ushers the pretty couple outside for happy snaps. Runs back inside for almost-forgotten, expensive corsages in fridge. Waves them goodbye.

Presenting... the lovely Keely and handsome Padraic!

4:15pm: Still no sign of Lulu!

4:40pm: Still no sign...

4:45pm: At last, Pinky hears tyres crunching on the driveway and the sound of Cinderella rushing up the stairs instead of down.

4:50pm: Pinky, oh-so-carefully zips up Lulu’s dress, flounces the hair, sprays on enough perfume to drown a large rat and they’re out the door and on way to Jock’s place.

I knew I could do it!

Presenting... the gorgeous Lulu and divine Jock!

Lulu’s hair appointment had been at 1:30 followed by engagements concerning nails and makeup. All up, it took her about 3 hours to get ready. 

How long did it take Padraic? Literally, ten seconds.
Hardly seems fair does it?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Pinky plays a trick on her class!

Time is rapidly careering towards the end of the school year and I decided since the old teachers’ adage “Don’t smile before Easter” has well and truly fallen by the wayside, it’s time to start having a bit of fun with the kids in my class… a bit of fun at their expense instead of mine for a change.

As you’ve probably guessed, Pinky is not a ‘specialist’ in any particular area due to the fact that I’ve never really ‘stuck’ with anything for an extended enough length of time to develop what many refer to as ‘skill’. 

I prefer to dip my toe into a variety of activities and run away, tail between my legs as soon as I detect the need for perseverance and dedication.

In other words I have no exceptional talent apart from the ability to bend my fingers at a curious angle at the top joint,

 bend my elbow back in a scary alien-type fashion

 and pop the joint on my little finger and wiggle it from side to side. 

(Scotto is remarkably talented and is able to turn his tongue upside down and scallop it into an ‘S’ shape… that’s not why I married him by the way.)

I can, however, count to ten in French.

Hold the applause.

At our school, a ‘bus bell’ rings five minutes before the dismissal bell and the seven kids who catch the early bus gleefully escape the classroom leaving the rest to mope unhappily.

For the past two weeks, the remaining students, under my expert direction, have been secretly learning to count to ten in la langue Francais... after the bus kids leave.

“So… I’m just curious…” I casually asked the class of ten year olds yesterday, “put your hands up if anyone here knows how to count to ten in French?

Twenty-two hands flailed enthusiastically in the air while the seven cuckolded bus kids stared around the room in baffled astonishment.

“Go on then, prove it!” I demanded.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre….” they went off in an exuberant, froggy chorus of Francophilia.

The bus kids sat in complete and utter confusion. “Am I dreaming, Mrs Poinker? This feels weird,” puzzled a stunned little boy with his eyes bulging out in shock.

Everyone had a big laugh when we fessed up but I think I’m going to have to watch my back. It’s rumored the bus kids are plotting payback on Mrs Poinker.