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Friday, January 26, 2018

The Love Affair is Over

“What name do you think I should give my new car?” was my stupidly naïve and ignorant question at the end of my last post.

“I’m in love with my new car!” I joyously posted on Facebook.

Oh, how simpleminded and foolish I was back in those halcyon days.

Thank you all for your naming suggestions but I’ve finally thought of a new name for it.

“ Lemony Snickets”… with the emphasis on LEMON.

It’s a fudging, mother fudging lemon, actually.

No car has EVER raised my blood pressure as much as this… this… yellow, bile inducing rattlebox.

I can’t even swear enough to describe my disappointment in the heavyweight steering, the constant, relentless and mind numbing rattle from the cabin interior, the aggravating and unexpected (downright dangerous) lurching gear changes that this disgrace of an automobile has exhibited.

This car has brought me to a near stroke/aneurism.

Frankly, I hate its guts.

I really fudging hate it.

I know that some people live in poverty, some people suffer violent atrocities and some people are so poor they can’t afford food let alone a new car and that vehicular disappointment is a minor glitch in my otherwise pleasant life.

I know all this.

But I don’t care.

“You CAN sell it, you know,” chirruped Scotto one afternoon after I arrived home, stomping though the house, wild-eyed and loudly declaring I was going to name the car, “#unty Mc#unt Face’,” because I’d had enough.

Okay, okay… I realise I can take the shite, poor excuse for a car back because it’s under warranty and I can complain… AND I WILL.

But this car is BRAND FRICKIN NEW. Why should I have to inconvenience myself… a lot… by having to take a brand new VERY EXPENSIVE LUMP OF STEEL POOP back to the workshop two weeks after purchase?

No, no. no.

Frickin French, froggy, fudging lump of crap.

I’m going to crash it into oblivion so I never have to hear those ceaseless rattling noises in my ear EVER AGAIN.

I don’t know how I will write the jangling, creaking behemoth off without killing myself but I will figure out a way.

I could park it at the top of the mountain on the edge of a cliff and accidently leave it in neutral with the hand brake off…

Just a little push would do it.

Stay tuned.