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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Pinky and the Dog Whisperer

Today I met a Dog Whisperer… for real.

Now that the temperatures are soaring beyond 30 degrees every day I thought it was time to do something about ‘Borat the Shaggy Wolf’ and ‘Willy the Bathroom Mat’ whose winter coats have commenced the shedding process.

“I found a dog groomer in the yellow pages and she’s coming to wash and clip the boys today.” I informed Scotto this morning.

“Good luck with that!” laughed Scotto knowingly.

Willy and Borat have… how shall I put it nicely… a Bert and Ernie relationship (if the rumours about Bert and Ernie are to be believed ).

Willy stubbornly refuses to go for walks because he’s a fat, lazy little toilet brush and Borat won’t let Willy out of his sight, so consequently most of the family have given up trying to drag them out by their leads. They will simply NOT be separated.

I knew, beyond doubt, they’d have to be bathed together like a couple of old poofs.

Enter- Roz… Dog Whisperer Extraordinaire!

If I met Borat for the first time I’d be terrified. He’s a gigantic, intimidating, woolly German Shepherd with a full head of fangs and I doubt you’d ever set foot in our yard if you peeked through the fence and spotted him patrolling the perimeter.

Willy, on the other hand, is a sour snappy little terrier who hates water with a vengeance and hides like a cockroach behind the air-conditioning condenser every time he spies the hose.

Roz, however, took control of the situation immediately, eyeballing Alpha dog Willy and clearly letting him know who was boss. 

                         Aren't you going to DO anything mother??

“You might be stubborn but I’m more stubborn than you!” she cautioned Willy when he dared to snarl in disapproval. “I think I’ll wash Willy before I clip him,” Roz wisely decided after noting his filthy matted hair and congealed Borat slobber.

“I’m just cleaning his anal gland now so he might yelp.” She warned.

I waited for the outraged squeal but Willy took it like a man which is quite remarkable considering he won’t even let me trim his fringe with nail clippers.

In fact I think he may have enjoyed it.

Next it was Borat’s turn to be lifted on to the bench and Roz bent over, picking up the 40kg Beowulf like he was a pup and plonked him down on it. “She’s a bloody superwoman…” thought Pinky reverently.

There were several moments when Borat was being shorn and Roz went a bit too close to his ‘ding dong mcdork’ causing Mr Wolfie to spin around and lunge growling at her.

Did the fearless Roz flinch? Not one bloody bit. Pinky’s head hit the roof of the van in frightened alarm but Roz didn’t bat an eyelash. “I can tell straight away if a dog’s something to worry about,” assured Roz, whilst I looked on in stupefied admiration.
                        Please! Whatever I did... I'll never do it again.

Over the two hours Roz worked to perfect her creative pooch coiffures and we had a great chat. Roz is looking for a job in the mines and has a H.R. Truck licence, a forklift licence and a licence to carry dangerous materials. I’m telling you… this lady is like Wonder Woman.
                       I'll be good, but please don't put me in that sling.

                          I am sooo p#ssed off right now.
                         AND these photos better not be going on your stupid blog, Mother!

The end result was amazing. Both Borat and Willy look at least ten years younger and I bet they feel it too.
Maybe I should get a haircut.

If you'd like Roz's number I have plenty of business cards.