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Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Melbourne Cup: Straight from the horse’s mouth.

Next Tuesday, the first Tuesday in November, the proud nation of Australia stops for the premier thoroughbred horse racing event of the year, the Melbourne Cup!

What goes on in those horses’ heads on the day, I often wonder? The pressure must be unbearable...

According to this sporting website, verbal intimidation is the backbone of physical competition but surely it wouldn't be an exclusively human domain. 

Throughout history, sport has been flooded with unusual characters who possess a flair for the dramatic and I’m certain the commonplace sledging is not confined to the jockeys in the racing industry.

Imagine the trash talk going on between the horses in the stalls as they wait around for the starting gates to open before the race…

Fiorente: (last year’s runner-up) I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna finish 
second ma homies!
Dunanen: Come on Fiorente! .You've been scratched more times than a lottery ticket.

Fiorente: Horseshit I have! Besides… It ain't braggin' if you can back it up
Green Moon: Well, you two losers can take a hike. Get your popcorn ready, 'cause I'm gonna put on a show.

Red Cadeaux: Yeah, right Green Moon, I've seen bigger flanks on a Shetland pony.

Brown Panther: Hey! Foreteller! What does Red Cadeaux’s dick taste like?

Foreteller: I don’t know, Brown Panther. Ask your wife.

Dandino: Yo! Ethiopia! Ray Charles has seen more track than you.

Ethiopia: Sorry, I can’t reply to that… I’m a little hoarse… heehaw.

Fawkner: You should be the horse with no name, bro!

Mourayan: Shut your face, Sarah Jessica Parker!

Seville: Nobody talk to Silent Achiever… That mare’s got PMSPissed-Off Mare Syndrome, he haw he haw!

Super Cool: You should talk Seville. You're just like a tampon. Only good for one period.

Seville: Super Cool...after the race I'm gonna build myself a pretty home and use you as a bearskin rug, a#$hole.

Masked Marvel: Hey, Mount Athos! So... how’s your wife and my kids?

Mount Athos: Thanks for asking buddy! The wife’s fine. The kids are retarded!

Royal Empire: Hawkspur… ...Hey man, does your trainer know you're out here?

Hawkspur: F#ck off Royal Empire… my left nut gallops better than you do.

Mr Moet: Give it up Hawkspur, when you were born your mother got an apology letter from the articifial inseminator.

Simenon: Don’t sweat it Mr Moet. I heard Hawkspur broke down in his last race and couldn’t giddy-up.

Jet Away: Hee ha hee ha hee ha.

Precedence: Awwww… why the long face Hawkspur?

Forgotten Voice: That’s a clown question idiot.

Just when you thought Pinky couldn't get any sillier huh?

Anyway… Pinky's tip for the Melbourne Cup is….

Never try to heat up a can of peas in the oven.

Ian Botham for his famous cricket sledging comment.
The Bleachers Report from whom I adapted the horsey trash talk!