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Monday, September 19, 2016

Stick that in your Fanny Bag!

Remember this time last year I was boring you all stupid with posts about my buffalo grass? I went on for months didn’t I?


But now you have to get ready for an inundation of posts about bush walks.

“What the fudge are these piddling, tiny things supposed to fudging be?” I screamed at Scotto this morning after the parcel delivery guy had zoomed back out of our driveway on his scooter.

“What the fudge are these? Snake Gaiters for ants?” I ranted.

I’d ordered (online) snake gaiters from a company I will (for legal reasons) call, ‘AnnaFuckonda’ and even though I had ordered ‘small’ because I’m sort of small, they’d sent me the ‘Junior” version which I presume must have to them meant fudging ‘six years fudging old’.

I was relying on these gaiters because we are doing a LOT of bush walking and frankly, I’m sick of looking out for random snakes. I just want to walk along enjoying the scenery knowing if a fudging taipan decides to lunge at me he will bounce off the Teflon gaiter thing and have to go to the dentist for a root canal and crown because he knocked a fang out.

But… naturally, the eejits who organise internet packing of stuff couldn’t do their fudging job right and now I have to continue to risk my life walking amongst venomous reptiles who aren’t afraid of a silly pair of Kathmandu hiking boots.

I looked around a few internet sites and apparently Australian snakes are a bit feeble and can’t bite much because they have small fangs so I’m thinking if I wear jeans I should be fairly safe until I can order some new snake gaiters. Of course, I make Scotto walk ahead of me on our treks in order to scare away the snakes with his heavy trudging but he can’t really be trusted because most animals like him and the snakes would probably let him pass and then take an instant dislike to me. 

That is the general pattern of my life anyway.

We called into the Mitre 10 on the mountain before our gaiter-less walk this morning. The guy there told us that as it is spring time, the snakes are a lot more active and that their venom is more potent but not to worry as they are more scared of us than we are of them.

I call bullshit. I am definitely more scared of them. Even though I’ve never seen one.

What I will say is that I’m becoming addicted to the pure, clean oxygen, the smell of the rainforest, the meditative clumping of boot steps, the sounds of whip birds and kookaburras, the burning in my thighs as I climb the mossy rocks, the cool, ginger-pepper air and the squelch of wet leaves under my feet. It’s the best free exercise you can dream of.

I bloody love it.

I've ordered a fanny bag (online) to carry my asthma puffer, three compression bandages (in case of snake bite) and a packet of aspirin in case of unexpected stroke. We should be safe unless the fanny bag turns out to be designed for a six year old.

What’s your favourite form of exercise?