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Friday, October 28, 2016

Pinky is Fowl!

Hodor, Ygritte, Khaleesi and Jon Snow

So… we bought four chickens.

First we bought a nice little A-frame chicken coop then we tracked down a chicken vendor on the mountain, cunningly negotiated with the chicken seller, then stuffed the four chicks in the cat carrier (our cat sleeps in) and transported the little buggers home. I imagine the poor fluffy things probably freaked out at the malodorous scent of murderous cat.

The lady who sold them to us couldn’t guarantee that they’re all hens and promised to honour a return policy in case some of them turned out to be roosters because the council doesn’t permit roosters due to the well-known propensity of roosters to initiate irritating crowing at four o’clock in the morning or something.

We named the chicks, Jon Snow, Ygritte, Hodor and Khaleesi, after the Game of Thrones characters, but Khaleesi is such a butch and gargantuan creature, we suspect we should have named her/him Brienne of Tarth and that if one of them is a rooster it is most likely Khaleesi what with the strutting and ball sack.

Joking. There’s no ball sack.

Our four dogs are enamoured of the chicks in a manner of which I would describe as undesirable and shameless yearning.

Pablo the Chihuahua, sits outside their coop licking his lips like a pothead staring at a KFC advertising billboard.

Borat the German Shepherd, circles the coop like a wolf closing in on a flock of defenceless, tender, juicy chicks and if not for the presence of chicken wire would have consumed them all by now.

They’re Pekin chickens and have fluffy feet and don’t grow to be very big which means they lay small eggs which is a bit bloody crap really. The only reason I wanted them is that having chickens is one step closer to being prepared to go off the grid (in case of the apocalypse and everything). We have our own water and we have our own sewerage system and now we have our own eggs. Well, we will in a few months anyway even if we will need about seventeen eggs to create a decent omelette.

If we hadn’t been so impatient we could have purchased some proper, fully grown chickens (that definitely aren’t roosters) ready to lay proper sized eggs but because we are impetuous fools we bought these four fairly useless things that may turn out to be roosters and we will be far too attached to them and won’t want to return them and then we’ll be fined by the council and we’ll still have no eggs but lots of baby chickens.

Also, now that I’ve had a real chicken as a pet I am no longer a pollo- pescetarian-vegetarian but just pescetarian vegetarian.

God help me if we ever buy fish.