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Sunday, June 14, 2015

Why I'm Not in a Hurry to be a Grandma!

Hagar has just come to collect his boy, Diego and I must say it’s true about grandchildren. It’s lovely when they come to stay but even lovelier when you hand them back to their parents.

I arrived home on Friday afternoon, to find Hagar and Meggles in my driveway and Scotto nursing the baby Chihuahua Diego, who we were to babysit. 

Ees he going to eeet meeee?

Hagar left enough food to last Diego a year but it was that dried stuff which is supposed to fulfill all their daily nutritional requirements. 

I’ve always thought exclusively feeding dogs dry food is cruel and way too Spartan. That was before I experienced the amount of poodoople coming out of that little Chihuahua’s bottom. I’d had plans to go up the shops and buy him some tasty mince as a treat but it was clear after the first hour he was ingesting enough fibre to keep a fertiliser factory in business for a decade.

“I’ll sleep in the spare room with him,” I said to Hagar as he stood with tears in his eyes, clinging to the Mogwai creature in desperate emotion before he left.

“Don’t roll over on him, Mum!” warned Hagar, forgetting that not only have I slept with numerous puppies but also five newborn human babies without suffocating any of them with my apparently dangerously, corpulent body.

Pablo (my Chihuahua) snarled at Diego every time he laid eyes on him and it was clear that they’d have to remain separated for the entirety of the weekend. This meant shifts of ‘puppy in the bathroom’ and ‘big dogs in the laundry’. It wouldn’t have been nice to witness a ferociously jealous Pablo rip Diego’s tender throat out.

It was quite stressful let me tell you.

Last night, I woke up with a start in the spare room after feeling around in the bed with my foot, to find that Diego was nowhere in the bed. I frantically leaped out of the bed; turned on the light in a panic and searched for the mouse-like creature, thinking that I’d have to explain to Hagar his puppy had been abducted by aliens. 

Then I remembered that awful cartoon about the fat lady who’s lost her Chihuahua and wondered… just for a second… could he have? Could I have?

Image source

But then I found Diego snuggled on the floor, fast asleep under the edge of the quilt. He must have slipped off silently and not even woken up. He was curled up like a strange, furry caterpillar in a cocoon.

I couldn’t do any work because Diego was so needy. Just like his bloody father was at that age. I tried feeding him milk treats but it made him hyper-active. I have so many razor-like teeth marks on my wrists I look like a crack whore.

I sent Hagar a text at about 3:00 pm today asking when he was going to come to pick up his “fractious, bitey nuisance of a brat” and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I’m not in such a hurry to be a grandma after all.