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Thursday, July 16, 2015

What Famous Person do You Look Like?

With the cold weather I’ve been a bit wheezy. Only at night, when I get into bed and the windows are open and the last remnants of the “Antarctic Vortex” have insidiously spread their tentacles into my bedroom and the temperature has dropped to a freezing 20 degrees Celsius.

Yes, as I lay on my bed last night, my teeth chattering in the tropical nightmare of evaporated sweat, I reached into my handbag to fish out my Ventolin inhaler and noticed it was three years out of date. What would happen if I used it? I wondered. Maybe I’d turn into Spiderman or something. But I didn’t end up using it and just breathed through my nose until the wheezing settled.

I’m not an asthmatic but I do get asthma, just not very often. I get it if I laugh too much, if there’s cold air, if I eat pickled onions and drink some brands of orange juice… or if I drink rum and coke. I persist in drinking rum and coke, but always ensure I have my inhaler on hand because I’m a real Queenslander; bloody oath I am and I’m tough as bricks. What’s a bit of asthma when there’s rum and coke on the table for fudge's sake?

We noticed little Pablo the Chihuahua, was wheezing like a ninety year old emphysema suffering, chain smoker the other night and I looked up on Google to see if dogs get asthma and guess what?… they do.

One of my school friends had asthma when she was young and I remember adults whispering it was “an emotional thing”. Back when I was a child, asthma was associated with a highly strung, delicate personality. It was apparently brought on by a weakness in the thorax and a penchant for the dramatics. In other words, it was a sissy disease. Sufferers were advised to take up swimming or move to Darwin.

But now, I find out even dogs get it.

I went to the chemist to buy a new inhaler today and the girl behind the counter asked me if I was breastfeeding or pregnant and she didn’t even have the usual smirk on her face. I pretended to be unsure. “Noooo, I don’t think so,” I giggled self-consciously. “Let me see, what’s the date?” Then I began counting on my fingers with a ditzy look on my face.

I found it flattering in a way. The trouble is when you get to my age you take anything you can get as a compliment, anything. Although sometimes people think they’re giving you a compliment but you don’t fully agree with the sentiment.

Like the time a guy walked up to me in a night club and told me I reminded him of Cher.

Would you think that was a compliment? Think about it. 

I didn’t.

I’ve also been told I look like Annette Benning and a little known actress, Jenny Agutter.



 Morticia has poked her dark head into comments regarding my appearance as well, quite a lot actually. I really need to rethink the same hairstyle I’ve had since I was fifteen.

I wish...

I've also been told I look like Mrs Bean. That knocked the wind out of my jowls, I can tell you. That friend was put in the 'people I secretly hate but force a smile when with them' file.

I know this post sounds like the roundabout, drunken ravings of a lunatic woman but I think the asthma medication has gone to my head a bit.