Five Months a Mountain Girl

Alpaca Farm 

Well, we’ve been mountain dwellers for five months today.

Since arriving here in God’s own country, I’ve gone deaf in one ear, had an elderly person’s disease and lost two teeth.

Ah… healthy mountain air, eh!

I have a flannelette checked shirt and a pair of Ugg boots so all l I need is one of those ear trumpets and I’ll look like a dead set hillbilly.

I had my hearing checked the other day and not only am I very bloody deaf in my right ear, it seems my left ear is well below the normal range as well.

I thought my hearing was pretty standard so it makes me wonder if I’ve just had bad hearing all my life and didn’t know it.

It would explain my off key, hideously abhorrent singing, my ability to sleep through a category four cyclone, and the way Scotto energetically recoils every time he gets in my car and the loud radio blasts his ears off.

The ear-tester lady asked me if I'd ever been near a violent explosion in my past. "Not that I recall," I replied hesitantly. I mean... I could have. Who'd remember that?

I did have a burst ear drum when I was little, and I also had a serious, untreated case of Scarlet Fever as a child… (which is known to cause hearing damage and which did stuff up me kidneys, hello neglectful parents) and a few weeks ago I had Shingles of the FRICKIN EAR… and yet this is the first hearing test I’ve ever had in my life.

I must add, my parents are pretty deaf too these days. Maybe we were all in a violent explosion and none of us remembers?

This is a typical conversation overheard when we go over for afternoon tea on Sundays.

Dad: Have you taken the scones out of the oven, Dorrie?
Mum: What?

Dad: Have you taken the scones out of the oven?”

Mum: Have I shaken the stones out of what coven?
Dad: I SAID, HAVE YOU TAKEN THE SCONES OUT OF THE BLOODY OVEN YOU SILLY WOMAN?



Mum: “THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOUT AT ME YOU CRANKY OLD COOT!”

Five minutes later.

Dad: “THE SCONES ARE BURNING, DORRIE!”

MUM: “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME YOU DODDERING OLD GIT???”

At this point, Scotto and I usually say we don't really feel like scones anyway and just a cup of tea will be fine thanks very much.

We all used to laugh at my ninety year old Granddad behind his back because he was deaf as a bloody pole. Poor Granddad.

Clearly the deafness is hereditary.

But I’m only in my fifties!

What’s the next thing to go?

God… I beg you, please don’t take my liver.

Take my ability to speak if you must. That would be a relief to many.

But PLEASE not my liver.

I need it for livery activities… like drinking wine and eating fatty cheese.

Aside from my body literally (not in a non-teenage manner of speaking but ACTUALLY) falling apart, Scotto and I have thoroughly enjoyed our time on the Gold Coast so far.

From the Lamington Mountain plateau to the ten surf clubs we’ve lunched at, it’s been a delight. I must say that the Gold Coast and its hinterland is the best part in the world I’ve ever been to.

Freezing one day...

Last weekend up at O'Reilly's 

Bikini weather the next weekend...

Rainbow Bay on Saturday

Aside from the scenery there are different exclusive shops here too, like IKEA and Aldi and Christian Louboutin and Domayne and Calvin Klein Underwear and Tiffany’s and other stuff I never go to (mainly because they’re too posh for deaf, toothless, flannelette-wearing hillbilly people).

I’ve travelled to the east and west coast of the United States, been to the Netherlands, Belgium, France and all over the United Kingdom. I’ve visited various places in Asia, but nothing compares to the Gold Coast and its hinterland.

I think we’ll be staying here.

And I can always get a hearing aid. I wonder if Aldi sells them in the middle aisle?



What’s the best place you’ve ever lived?