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Tuesday, October 4, 2016


I’m highly competitive. 

I love to enter competitions but I never expect to win and frankly, I never do. 

When I say never, I mean NEVER.

I have occasionally come second or third, but I never win.

Once, when I was twelve years of age, I won a picnic blanket in a raffle and my mother used it afterwards as a dog blanket which was a disappointment because all I ever yearned for as a child was a picnic. 

The fact I remember that unremarkable incident from forty-four years ago, should relay to you how truthful my statement is that I just don’t win stuff. 

Plus it should reveal to you what a picnic deprived childhood I had.

I always rehearse my winner’s acceptance speech for anything I enter because, despite being a serial loser for the last 56 years, I still always expect to win. I think that’s what I would call an optimist. 

It’s always a suitably fake-humble acceptance speech I must add. I ALWAYS thank the other competitors in my pretend acceptance speech.

So when I saw an email in my inbox yesterday with the subject title, “You Won!”, I was understandably skeptical.

I assumed it was a Nigerian Prince telling me I’d won his private lottery.

I almost deleted it.

What could I have won? I hadn’t entered anything lately that I could recall.

For some reason I clicked on the email and fudge me... I had actually won something.

Not money.

Of course not.

But it was something I had accidentally and serendipitously won.


The funny thing is that Scotto was entering this same competition (on a subject of which he has some expertise) and when I was lying in bed beside him one night I stuck my big snout in and said, “What are you up to, buddy boy?”

He told me he was submitting some entries into a local photographic competition and full of Dutch courage and unwarranted confidence, I slurred, “Well enter me too! I ha
ve an entry!”

Reluctantly, he did. Even though my photo entry was taken on my shithouse Sony phone.

The result is that I won and he didn’t.