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Monday, April 3, 2017

Everything You Wanted to Know About Snake Bites and Were Afraid To Ask

I’m officially on two weeks school holidays so naturally now the tables have turned and instead of ME getting up at five am, shivering on the couch whilst clutching my first coffee in the lounge room watching the sun rise and then taking his Lordship a fresh coffee at 6:00 am, now Scotto has to bring me my morning coffee.


But I’ve noticed a vague resentment when Scotto heavily plonks my coffee down on my bedside table. He would deny it but I can tell he is condemning me with his disparaging manner.

It’s the expression on his face, the forced smile and the weightiness of the aggressive kiss he lumps on my forehead as he delivers my cup down beside my Nicorettes.

When he leaves for work, he critically observes me reclining on the bed in my PJs at ten o’clock in the morning and I can see the disapproving glint in his eyes.

Fudge you, I whisper to myself. Fudge you, judgmental man.

But this morning I felt a bit sorry for him because his car, the Batmobile, which is still under warranty and just had the engine replaced, was towed away a mere 36 hours after he picked it up from the workshop (after FIVE WEEKS in the garage).

When he left in the pathetically incapable courtesy car (his third one) to go on a job, I was sitting on the couch on my laptop reading about how a chicken failed to recognise its owner because of a new haircut (thanks Rae Hilhorst) and I suddenly thought, my husband thinks I’m an Internet layabout.

Naturally, I had to correct this silly opinion he seemed to have formed in his head.

So after I’d finished watching the very captivating chicken video, (and then another hypnotising video about how you can use a piece of string to peel onions)  I went out with my gardening gloves and weeded the front garden which has been allowed to go stupid for at least 6 months. It was so bad even our neighbours had been making jokes about it.

It took a while to weed (about an hour and a half) and when I came in puffing and wheezing, I suddenly noticed two fang marks on my wrist and naturally assumed I’d been bitten by an Eastern Brown snake. 

Sorry about the age spots

I googled how long it takes for symptoms to manifest and what the symptoms are. It can take up to an hour for death to strike.

I hadn’t actually seen a snake but plenty of people get bitten and don’t realise it. I felt my heartbeat escalate and my mouth went dryish. I may have dribbled in fear despite the dry mouth.

I had a coffee and then a wine and waited for an hour and nothing happened so I think I’m okay. I did get a mild headache but it passed.

But if you never hear from me again you know I died from a venomous snake bite, so thanks for reading my blog all this time.

If I’m dead tomorrow you know whose fault it is, K?

Does your other half get jealous when you have holidays and they don’t?