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Saturday, June 17, 2017

Bantam of the Opera

Bantam of the Opera

For the last few weeks my cherished rooster, Hodor, has been a bit off.

His appetite is as robust as ever but he keeps stumbling around in an unco-ordinated fashion, like a fluffy, rotund, drunken sailor. He’s still as belligerent as ever, picking fights with the hens and taking feathery chunks out of the magpies’ arses when they try to swoop him, though.

“Do you think he’s been overdoing the ‘making love’ thing with the eight hens?” I asked Scotto (although I didn’t use the actual words ‘making love’ I used a much crasser expression like ‘rooting’). "Eight women would be a lot to maintain."

“What? You think he can’t walk because he has blue balls?” Scotto sniffed in a way that suggested he was slightly envious of the eight women thing.

I shrugged. I don’t even know if roosters have balls.

Luckily for you, I just Googled it and they do have balls which are surprisingly large, look like sausages and taste like Tofu with overtones of chicken liver. If you want to see a picture of rooster balls click here…  Chickens do have balls!

But I can’t locate any balls on Hodor under all the feathery fat.

I suspected he might be too fat so I put him on a diet. He seemed to be tumbling forward as if he was top heavy or something and he definitely looked as if he’d been grazing in the good paddock of late.

A friend of ours who owns chickens recently commented he’d never seen such a fat and oddly shaped rooster.

After a couple of weeks on the diet, there was no improvement so I diagnosed his illness must be a return of the scaly leg mite infection he suffered six months ago when he was paralysed from the waist down and we thought he was about to sadly go the big, meal worm factory in the sky.

Scotto was enlisted as my male nurse and he gently held Hodor as I sprayed his legs with canola oil. 

The rooster’s legs not Scotto’s. 

Then we put him on the grass and doused him with Pesticene. 

Again, the rooster not Scotto.

You should have seen the bloody histrionics. Not only did Hodor play dead but once roused, he bunged on the biggest act I’ve ever seen.

Here’s the video…

You’ll be happy to know he was back strutting around and viciously taking fluffy hunks out of the hen’s necks again this morning.

But I’m going to enrol him in an Academy of Dramatic Arts.