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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My Husband's Mistress.


The alarm bells rang with piercing disharmony last Thursday evening as we sat on the couch together watching the telly.

Scotto's phone rang. He looked at the number and stood up nervously.

“I’ll take this outside,” he said quickly, wearing a guilt-ridden expression. “I don’t want to interrupt you watching Masterchef.”

The fact he wanted to slink out to the garage to take this phone call was fishy to begin with, but Scotto knows I hate Masterchef with a vengeance and only watch it because there’s nothing else on and I like to ridicule the fancy food which I could never cook.

I waited, seething with jealous suspicion.

Ten minutes later, I crept to the garage door. Just as I pushed the door open I heard his cruel laugh.

“Well the wife’s just informed me she’s going away with her girlfriends this weekend so I’ll drop by on Saturday,” he snickered.

His words sliced through my body in a shock wave effect and I silently shuffled away like a kicked puppy.

“I should have been more alert to the earlier signs,” I thought in agony later, as I lay on my bed staring at the black ceiling. “Why was I so blind? Was it just denial?”
I recalled our trip to the shops last weekend. Her name kept coming up in the conversation. No matter how many times I tried to change the subject, he persisted in bringing up her maddening name over and over. 

It was almost as though he was a man obsessed.

Then there was the inexplicable, but familiar scent I’d smell wafting around his person when he arrived home (late) from work.

The receipt I picked up from the floor last week was surely a sign I’d dismissed too easily. I noticed the large sum… a figure in the hundreds. He snatched it from my hand before I could see where it was from and urgently stuffed it in his pocket.

“What was that?” I enquired, innocently.

“Nothing,” he snarled cagily, turning away from me to avoid my plaintive gaze.

So… after all of these harbingers of marital doom, like any dedicated psychopath would do, I set a clever trap. 

Instead of going for my walk at 5:00pm as is my usual routine, I sat on the couch waiting for my treacherous husband to come home in order to spring the rat by surprise.

Hearing the crunch of tyres in the driveway I stalked out bravely to confront him once and for all… and there she was... my arch nemesis, standing in the garage in all her steely glory.

She taunted me; bejewelled and adorned with new expensive trinkets, as my husband proudly gazed down on his adored beloved mistress.

Newly recoloured wheels, red highlighted front lips and side skirts, coloured wheel nuts and brand new personalised plates.

Then, suddenly the dawn of realisation settled around me like the comforting, luxurious, expensive velour car seat covers in my husband’s Hyundai Veloster Turbo.

My husband doesn’t love his car more than he loves me!

My husband is Batman!!!

Happy Wedding Anniversary Husband xx

Is your partner obsessed with anything?

Linked with Kelly at A Life Less Frantic. Maxabella Loves
Life Love and Hiccups and Sonia Styling for the Weekend Rewind!