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Thursday, May 28, 2015

Taking Stock: In my Classroom

Watching: a lot of YouTube videos about fractions and how one half equals two quarters, even though I’m the only one in the classroom paying any attention to the videos because the students are all too busy eyeing off the hornet who naively wafted through the window and is unwittingly causing mass terror and unmitigated screaming. Frankly, it’s giving me a headache and I’ve decided I don’t like hornets or fractions.

Only good hornet is a...

Making : comparisons between one hundredth of a slice of pizza and one half and desperately trying to explain that even though one hundredth sounds like more, it’s not. Have they ever seen a pizza cut into a hundred pieces anyway? That’s just silly.

Cooking : up a storm in mathematics education on a global level and sure I’ll be seconded by the United Nations to work for UNESCO at any minute.

Reading : between the lines when my student tells me his cat has been sent to live on a rural property because it kept pooing on Dad’s shoes.

Wanting : in etiquette when I race up to the staff room at lunch time and push other colleagues out of the way at the fridge before all the full cream milk goes and I have to endure skim milk in my coffee.

Looking : over my shoulder when my class is walking in a line behind me to make sure no one is doing cartwheels/spraying others with their water bottle/imitating the way I walk in a mocking fashion.

Playing : my cards right when I send my cutest student (with a lollipop) up to beg the office ladies to photocopy two extra homework sheets because I accidentally used the originals to mop up a dead hornet.

Wasting : away to a shadow because all my lollipops are being used to bribe the office ladies.

Sewing : when my ten year old student says, “Mrs Poinker! Marigold touched my Smiggle pencil,” or “Mrs Poinker! She looked at me with her eyes,” and I keep repeating “So? So?”

Wishing : I’d come up with the idea of flogging cheap plastic stationery at exorbitant prices to gullible children.

Enjoying : the five minutes of meditation we have after big lunch every day. It’s three hundred seconds of peace… except for a couple of rebellious fifth columnists I need to compete against in a savage staring competition until they eventually close their eyes in reluctant submission, of course.

Waiting : for the doctor to tell me my blood pressure has finally reached the stage where teaching is a death sentence and I must go on to worker’s comp immediately or risk suffering a catastrophic stroke in front of a bunch of traumatised ten year olds. Oh I can’t wait for the day!

Liking : when a kid in my class has a birthday and brings in cupcakes with one for the teacher.

Loving : when the cupcakes have really gooey icing so when I hand them out I get to lick the extra icing off my fingers before I hand out the next one. (Jokes).

Needing : a mother in my class who knows how to cook delicious, chocolate, birthday cupcakes with whipped fresh cream that come under twenty calories each.

Smelling : my hands after I high five my students in the morning. You can never be too careful.

Noticing : a cheesy odour on my hands and wondering?? What could it possibly be?

Hoping : that anti-bacterial hand wash lives up to its hype.

Knowing : reports are due in a week and I haven’t finished all the assessment yet.

Thinking : myself sick about how all the student’s results are logged into one flimsy, record book and if I lost it I’d be up shite’s creek and how the scenario is especially likely considering my propensity for losing things.

Feeling : a bit creeped out that even though I know I’m dicing with trouble I’m very haphazard with the record book.

Bookmarking : employment opportunities in horticulture or cleaning in case I lose my record book, can’t write my reports and get my marching orders.

Opening : a can of tuna in the classroom and all the kids on lunchtime detention complaining about the smell.

Giggling : nervously when one of them asks me if I’m eating cat food and I check to see I’ve brought the right can from my pantry.

Listening : skills are underrated. If children listened I wouldn’t have to say, “I already said it five times, why weren’t you listening instead of poking holes in your Smiggle rubber with your Smiggle pencil under the desk.”

And one for luck…

Questioning : whether when I ask my class, after numerous science lessons and chaotic experiments, how we know gravity exists and one student tells me, “Because it says it on the Internet” I should stick to teaching and not consider a job in horticulture anyway.

Okay, what have you been liking, listening to and hoping?