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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Sex Scene What I Wroted

Well dear friends, I wrote my one and only sex scene in the first draft of my manuscript today. Before you get excited and rush off to read it, let me warn you… it’s not very titillating. In fact, the word titillating is probably far filthier than anything you’ll find in my sex scene.

Why? I hear you ask. Why didn’t you make it all juicy, and wet and have secretions in it and all that sort of stuff?

Because it’s not called Fifty Shades of Dorothy, that’s why. 

Personally I find reading sex scenes to be embarrassing; even if I’m sitting and reading by myself, with no one looking over my shoulder, I still get all clammy. I think sex scenes can also sound a bit corny when authors use phrases like, he penetrated her, her womanhood was on fire, his manhood gleamed in its tumescence.

My womanhood has never felt like it was on fire and if it ever did I’d go to the doctor or at least buy some cream from the pharmacist. I don’t like the word penetrate. It reminds me of when I stood on a wire once and it penetrated my big toe. Tumescent manhood brings to mind a mushroom for some reason and I’ve never seen a gleaming mushroom.

To be honest, my sex scene never got past first base. It did… but only after the door closed behind them.

Even then, I found describing the act of kissing to be difficult to write about. I avoided any mention of a tongue. No slimy tongues penetrating any mouths in my sex scene.

No. My novel is not based on the life of a nun, but I don’t want my father reading this book and arriving at the doorstep challenging my husband to a duel because he thinks I’m writing about myself and the things I may or may not get up to. 

Not that Dad would do that.

My father wrote a manuscript a couple of years ago which included a sex scene. My sister, Sam, is still traumatised by it and brings it up at least once every six months. It didn’t worry me at all because I skipped the sex scene completely when I read it. Whenever she talks about it I cover my ears and begin singing, “Lalalalala” like a child.

Most sex scenes in books are fairly unrealistic too. I mean, has any leading lady in a novel ever suffered from fanny farts after a sex scene where she engaged in extra strenuous sex or after having sex in a swimming pool?

Not that I know about fanny farts personally, but I’ve read about them in various medical and scientific journals.

The girl in the novel never suffers from debilitating urinary tract infections twenty four hours after the sex scene does she? 

You never read about someone being spiked in the chin by an aggressive bristle and saying, “Right that’s it! Get off me and don’t touch me again until you’ve had a proper shave you big ape.”

The heroine in the book never stops in the middle of a sex scene and says, “Shite. I forgot to buy dog food and the shops shut in ten minutes.” Or “Do you think you’ll be finished by the time Game of Thrones starts?”

No. It’s a bit like Hollywood the way a lot of authors write sex scenes. Everything is smoke and mirrors, musky smells and clean sheets. They just don’t reflect real life.

Which is why I’m counting on the fact anyone reading my book will just think, ‘Oh, she's written a sex scene, I think I’ll just skip this bit.’

Do you feel self-conscious reading sex scenes?
If not what's your favourite one?