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Sunday, November 29, 2015

My Top Tips for Smuggling Contraband

The Claw

Why is it so much more irritating and itchy when a mosquito bites you on your foot compared to other parts of your body? 

You can’t scratch it as hard and when you do you get scum under your fingernails and it tickles so you’re actually torturing yourself whilst relieving yourself. I don’t like it.

Only a few things put me in a vicious mood, for example, when I’m all dressed up and my hair blows into my lipstick, or when I spill the sugar container all over the floor and no matter how thoroughly I clean it up I can still feel it underfoot and mostly, when mosquitoes bite me on the fudging foot.

There are a lot of mozzies around because of the muggy conditions here in the dry tropics. When I say ‘dry tropics,’ I mean ‘oppressive, desert-like, apocalyptic, hell hole’.

Today, our bloody internet went down and our pool turned green which meant no swims for us and no entertainment, just sweltering in the 35 degree heat and watching the boring telly.

Why do broadcasters think all day golf is even remotely interesting television viewing?

I switched over to ‘Border Patrol’, (the most xenophobic, bogan show ever) and wondered why people who get caught by the federal police don’t watch the show to get tips on how to smuggle more effectively? The old lining on the suitcase thing is getting a bit tired and I’m sure the Feds would appreciate more of a challenge. What ARE they teaching kids in schools these days?

My top tips for smuggling would be:

1. Sweating is a dead giveaway. Don’t sweat.

2. Don’t stuff things up your botty or swallow things because it can explode inside you and make you sweat quite profusely alerting the authorities to some sort of mischief afoot.

3. A bunch of bananas and a bag of grapes are NOT worth a $300 fine. You can buy bananas and grapes in most countries, so why?

4. If your hands are shaking and your eyes are darting around the place, you’ll be detained for an internal examination. Try to act natural or they’ll find those bananas before you can say ‘Yes, I have no bananas in my toiletries bag.’

5. Don’t have neck tattoos because it makes you look highly suspicious. People who have neck tattoos are obviously tough, impervious to pain and wouldn’t flinch at swallowing thirty condoms full of cocaine. Plus they’re probably the type of person silly enough to do it. (No offence to anyone with a neck tattoo. Really. I think they look lovely.)

6. Smuggling drugs in lava lamps is a recognisable ploy because lava lamps went out in the eighties. So did oversized wigs.

7. Ignorance is no excuse for the law so when you fail to declare the raw fish and exotic bean sprouts in your luggage, cocking your head to one side in a fetching manner and saying, “Que?” will fail to get you out of a fine.

If I was going to smuggle anything into the country, I’d dress as an unnaturally fat nun. But I wouldn’t hide things under my voluminous habit. Oh no. I’d have Scotto dressed as an old aged, crippled, visually challenged person and I’d have all the contraband stuffed inside his artificial leg. They’d check under my habit then be so embarrassed when I came up clean, they wouldn’t dare to touch poor, blind Scotto.

Now back to those mosquitoes. Why does the foot hurt so much compared to the other bits?