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Friday, November 27, 2015

Sex After Fifty

I’m fifty-five. Yeah, I know, I don’t look it or act it… but I freakin am. Jaysus! 

(I totally look it.) Fifty-five is almost fudging SIXTY.

So what happens to women as far as sex goes when they get past fifty? It’s an interesting question because ,let’s face it, we aren’t all Olivia Newton John.

(She’s my role model and I reckon she goes for it like a fudging rabbit.)

Well… this is my take anyway…

1. You’ll probably get a whole lot of extra urinary tract infections because the distance between your who’syourfather and your boombalishus becomes a lot fudging closer due to the thinning of certain infuriating soft tissues. Urinary tract infections are moderately tolerable if you're having sex in multiple positions in various dangerous locations, thirty-five times a day. 

But if you have a normal bonk once a week and you still get them... then it's a travesty.

2. Even though you’ve finally realised what pops your cork at the age of whatever, it doesn’t matter because you’ve lost the taste a bit because of other temptations such as; sleep ins, clean, unsullied sheets, and over-indulged dogs who refuse to get off the bed.

3. Sometimes it can hurt because of the friction and the thinning of the before-mentioned, infuriating soft tissues. You can grit your teeth and bear it but… God, really?

4. You’ll feel uninspired and unsexy because when you look down at the boobs which fed five ravenous babies, they’re now dangling like a pair of golf balls in football socks (the boobs not the babies) and your stomach fold is encompassing your caesarean scar. If you don’t feel sexy in yourself, then honestly... it’s all gone to hell in a washing basket.

5. The thought of the extra energy needed to get yourself in the mood and the exercise required during the ‘act’, doesn’t quite balance up with the pitiful amount of calories which will probably be burnt. Seriously? All that effort has got to have some benefit or why bother?

6. Imaginative positions such as ‘the wheelbarrow’ or the 'reverse cowboy' are completely ruled out due to back, knee, ankle, groin and jaw strains.

I could go on but I fear I may be over-sharing, and I'd hate to do that. All I can say is, enjoy it while you can and that if you don’t use it you lose it.

Interested in hearing thoughts from the over forties?