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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Joe Hookey: Out of Touch Apology Speech.

"Joe's Apology Speech" accidentally emailed to Pinky...

Dear Public People of Austrailya,
I love poor people. I really love them a lot. I love them so much that I could even be friends with one if I was ever fortunate enough to meet one. Therefore it grieves me to think the peeps of Australia thought I was having a Marie Antoinette moment last week when I said that poor people don’t drive cars and shouldn’t be worried about the fuel excise; even though it’s true. 

They don’t fly helicopters either… or have private jets God love ‘em. But that's beside the point.

We won’t be reducing the fuel excise and it will not be affecting the poor unfairly because we will be making it up to them by penalising the Richie Riches in the following manner, don’t you worry about that codgers.

Firstly, poor people really don’t drive cars because they use the bus to do all their illegal drug transactions. They catch buses to Centrelink, they catch buses to the footy. In the interests of social justice we will not be raising bus fares. (Except in accordance with fuel prices, but that can’t be helped if the bus company deems it appropriate.)

Furthermore, poor people don’t have to buy as much fuel as rich people because they don’t have to visit relatives since they all live in the same rented house.

And as John Hewson said in 1992, you can tell which house in the street is the 'rented house' can’t you? It’s the one with the overgrown lawn because they don’t own lawn mowers so therefore don’t buy fuel.

(Actually the speech was written by his then press secretary, guess who? Tony Abbott)

Therefore, as youse all can see, this fuel excise will not affect the poor people, only the rich who have big lawns and have to visit their rellies in Majorca via a fuel guzzling Boeing 747.

In the interests of all the fine upstanding povos living in our fair land girt by sea, we will also be instigating harsher taxes on the Hoity Toities of Australia.

Financially challenged people don’t use spoons because they ingeniously save money on milk by eating their cereal with a fork. Therefore the government will be imposing a tax on spoons. But only silver ones… and those found in the mouths of babes.

Poor people don’t need NBN because they can’t afford computers anyway. (Thus, we will only deliver NBN to wealthy suburbs and up their rates. Fair’s fair eh?)

Poor people don’t need solar heating because they don’t have a roof over their head so we will be cutting out the feed-in tariff scheme to punish the rich. (I realise they fly to Majorca in Winter and Aspen in Summer, but the fuel excise they absorb for their private jets will bring them to their sun-kissed knees.)

Poor people don’t need to be able to pay house insurance. Let’s be honest, if a cyclone or flood struck it would essentially be a house improvement. (In order to slog those moneyed-up bastards we’ll allow insurance companies to go silly with raising their premiums). That’ll hit ‘em hard. Having to pay extra insurance on the luxury yachts moored in Majorca. No wait… Nevermind.

The Living off the Fatted Calf Pensioners: Gotta hate them don’t ya?

If they really are as poor as they make out then they should be at home with their lights out wearing fingerless mittens and eating cat food. The oldies don’t need to get the pension if they are seen to be living the high life. Grey nomad caravan parks and South Pacific cruises will be taxed accordingly. It’s time we clamped down on this rich, old people rort.

The fuel excise will raise the price of fresh goods due to transportation costs but poor people don’t need to buy fresh fruit and vegetables because they prefer cheap junk food so it’s a win/win situation.

It’s only the thin, rich people who eat fresh food. It’s gonna suck to be thin and rich huh?

University fees will go up and this will be a bonus for the poor. Once they leave Uni the poor kids can never get those good jobs anyway due to the ‘elite school’ old boys/girls' club so it’ll save them a step in their education. Let the posh buggers pay for their tertiary education and your kid gets straight into the nitty gritty of their hairdressing/painting apprenticeship, earning four years of pay before the Uni graduates even start on their $300 000 p.a. careers. 

Who’ll be ahead I ask you?

As I said, povos and all poor people hold a special place in my heart. And remember, when life gives you lemons guys… get up your chauffeur for not having limes cut up to go with your Corona instead.