Pinky's Book Link

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Fifty Shades of Foreplay

This is my Valentine's Day post.

Toenail Clippings

1. Sets air-con in her bedroom to below freezing.

2. Locks the front door with wicked relish.

3. Wipes down her dusty bedside table to clear away odd fluff and toenail clippings.

4. Polishes wine glass until it sparkles.

5. Puts  crisp wine in fridge to chill.

6. Prepares low fat cheese and fruit plate.

7. Covers plate with Glad Wrap and puts in fridge.

8. Cleans teeth.

9. Flosses teeth and spits blood. Cries a little at disintegrating-body-syndrome symptoms.

10. Uses mouth wash.

11. Showers with delicious, coconut body scrub.

12. Washes and conditions hair with products that smell like strawberry shortcake. Feels hungry.

13. Shaves her legs and puts toilet paper dots on cuts afterwards.

14. Applies silky body lotion with sensual strokes avoiding stinging cuts on legs.

15. Scrapes dead skin from her feet with pumice.

16. Brushes dead skin off bed onto carpet.

17. Blow dries her hair in sexy fluffy waves.

18. Applies cherry lip balm to her dry lips.

19. Puts fig-scented moisturiser on bedside table for later.

20. Changes the sheets on bed. Thinks it must be about a fortnight since last change. Can't recall. 

21. Fluffs her pillows.

22. Sprays expensive perfume around room to disguise pervading doggy aroma.

23. Closes blinds.

24. Opens blinds again and checks street for strange cars after hearing German Shepherd in backyard barking head off.

25. Straightens wedding photo on wall.

26. Smiles wistfully at the youthful faces in photo.

27. Notices gecko poo on photo frame.

28. Scratches off poo with fingernail.

29. Files broken fingernail with emery board.

30. Checks phone for messages.

31. Sees message from eldest son asking obscure question about the life of Mao Tse Tung.

32. Turns phone on to silent.

33. Fires up laptop.

34. Answers urgent emails regarding periodontal appointment confirmation.

35. Becomes engrossed in video about cats terrorising dogs.

36. Snaps laptop shut with steely willpower.

37. Checks self in bathroom mirror with stomach sucked in.

38. Checks self in mirror for front on view.

39. Tries to stifle bitter tears.

40. Checks self while squeezing stomach fat and pushing it to the side, out of sight.

41. Sees distant possibility of nice body after six week 500 calorie a day diet.

42. Feels slightly optimistic.

43. Does a little dance in front of mirror and feels sad again when sees how much jiggling is occurring.

44. Puts on flattering (loose) nightie.

45. Goes downstairs and retrieves wine and cheese plate.

46. Takes upstairs and places on bedside table.

47. Pours chilled wine in glass.

48. Pushes arrogant Chihuahua off her side of the bed.

49. Slips between cool sheets.

50. Dims lights.

Turns on Kindle to read latest Marian Keyes book and at last feels completely and utterly satisfied.