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Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Amazing New Amoeba Diet

This week, proponents of the Paleolithic Diet are reeling in shock after a new hypothesis emanated from experts and fanatical adherents to weight loss regimes. 

The latest diet, the Amazing Amoeba Diet has surpassed the Paleo diet in popularity stakes and dominates the conversation topics of fashionable A Listers such as the Kardashians, Paris and Nicky Hilton and their little brother, Perez. 

The theory behind the popular Paleolithic diet is based on the premise that before the development of agriculture and animal husbandry, humans satisfied their nutritional needs with foods readily available at the time. Modern human metabolisms have been unable to adapt quickly enough to cope with foods such as grain, dairy and Macca’s Fillet o Fish, thus leading to a breakdown in our digestive system’s ability to cope and leading to insidious disease and a lot of unnecessary fatty boombahism.

Paleo exponents recommend we eat a diet matching early Stone Age man in order to place our metabolisms back on track.

How about we do a Maccas run instead tonight?

However, leading experts now purport that we, as a society, need to re-evaluate our calculations to even further back in history and examine the original source of life 3.5 billion years ago; when single-cell marine organisms first appeared.

Dr Rocky Crust, Senior Professor from the Crock Swindler Institute states,

“The one-celled creatures living in the cradle of Earth’s life provide the true revelation of where our digestive systems should be at. The amoeba didn’t need to go and enter silly marathons, Colour Runs or pay expensive gym memberships in order to prevent diabetes, tooth decay and obesity. 

In fact, the simple creatures did very little exercise apart from a lazy swim around a warm pond. The crux of the matter is this; you can’t get much thinner than a single celled creature can you? I think that pretty much sums up our argument. The amoeba’s exceptional secret to a bikini bod was its impeccable diet.”

But what did the single cell organism actually eat all those years ago? 

In light of the fact the amoeba was not in possession of a centralised organ (a.k.a brain) it still managed to maintain a regulated nutrient supply. 

“Much like a teenage boy,” declared Dr Crust. “the amoeba sucked up protein and sugar from anywhere it could in a 2:1 ratio. It was a ravenous scavenger.”

Professor Fay Kerr from Crock Swindler has already written and published a book on the topic, “The Euphoric Prehistoric Cook Book” with accompanying suggested recipes such as the delicious sounding, Archean Primordial Soup. The professor is also working on her second book whilst touring the country promoting her upcoming television series, “The Dubious Nucleus Rules”.

When asked for his opinion on the new diet, self-professed Paleo authority, Pete Evans had this to say, "It's a load of f#*&ing garbage."

The jury is still out on the Amazing Amoeba Diet but the evidence looks promising.

Warning: This diet is not recommended for anyone under the age of 3.5 billion years.