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Monday, February 16, 2015

Nothing Ever Bloody Works

My friend Mailer Daemon

I received a shite load of emails the other night from someone called ‘Mailer Daemon’

There were over two hundred, all up. Ms or Mr Daemon sent them to me straight after I’d opened a strange email from a friend of mine which contained an advertisement from that irritating crowd who market Cambogia Garcinia weight loss tablets.

My friend had been hacked and by opening the email sent to me it seemed I too had been violated; e-Raped.

If you get a weird email from me telling you to try Camdodgier Farcinia belly fat tablets, then don’t open it. I would never promote this product in a million years because… well, it clearly doesn’t frickin work despite what the ‘celebrities’ say.

This is how I know.

If it really worked no one in the world would be fat.

If there really was a miracle cure for fatness everyone would buy it and there’d be no fatties left, including me. I’d guzzle those tablets like they were Tic Tacs.

When everyone became thin as a twig it wouldn’t be the preferred shape anymore and everyone would want to be fat again. We’d be spammed by Sara Lee instead of tamarind extract. 

Models would waddle down the catwalk and we’d all be a lot less p#ssed off.

As I’m always telling Scotto when he stares longingly at the telly, it’s the same with those heinously expensive baldness cures you see advertised.

If they worked do you think this terrible situation would exist?

Do you think this very wealthy man would go around looking like he scraped the hairs from Pamela Anderson’s shower drain and glued them to his head if there was a real solution? 

It's not as if he can't afford it.

I’ll tell you something else that doesn’t bloody work the way they do on the telly; fast food joints.

Every fudging time I go via the drive thru thingy they say, “If you wouldn’t mind just driving forward and waiting in that bay, madam.”

My brother-in-law Pedro, just grouches, “Nup,” when they ask him to park and wait. “This is supposed to be fast food, bring me my fast food!” he says defiantly and sits behind the wheel in steely resolve. They can’t call the police can they? They just have to cook his burger really fast, like fast food should be cooked.

Varicose vein creams don’t work either. Magical face creams never give you the same result as a face-lift. You'd be better off pulling your ponytail extra tight.

Under garments that are supposed to make you look 10 kgs lighter just push the fat up under your arms. Fake nails wreck your own nails the same way eyelash extensions wreck your own eyelashes.

And don't get me started on computers and the like.

Technology NEVER works properly. I’m yet to attend a conference where the speaker is unimpeded by ‘gremlins’ in the system when attempting to show a carefully constructed video they laboured over for hours and which is intrinsic to the presentation.

In fact I think technology is THE most unreliable product in the universe. Literally. #See Mars Rover.

Nothing works like they say it does. Nothing. Everything is substandard rubbish.

What have you been hideously disappointed with lately?