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Monday, February 9, 2015

Today I lost 85kg but gained 55 back.

So... are you ever coming back Dad?

This morning Scotto flew off to work in Cairns for a week. The dogs were a bit peeved about it.

But my 18 year old daughter, Lulu arrived back home today after two weeks of partying in Melbourne… alive.

She phoned me last week all in a huff.

Apparently she was scolded by a train officer for putting her feet on the train seat and given a $200 fine.

“Did you tell him you come from Hicksville where we don’t have frickin trains?” I asked her in panic as it suddenly dawned on me she’d probably spent all her holiday funds and would have to borrow the money for the fine from me.

“Yes Mum,” she replied. “But he didn’t care. He went off his brain.”

Bloody, officious train people.

So I thought I’d pen a letter to voice my concern.

Dear Mr. Fat Controller,

Recently my daughter, Lulu was visiting your fair city of Melbourne and made the mistake of restin’ her pinkies on one of your train seats. I heard you did ya lolly with ‘er. In her defence I’d like to point a few facts out if it’s not too much bother to ya and I hope ya not goin’ to go off at me like a bucket of prawns in the hot sun, like ya did to my daughter.

Ya see we don’t have no trains up here in this necka the woods in North Queensland. Bugger me, we don’t even have no buses that run past drinkin’ time. Why, my kids don’t even wear shoes up here unless they have to cross the bitumen road, and there ain’t too many of them to be seen here either. Mosta our roads are the dirt kind.

Fair dinkum, I remember takin’ my kids to the Pacific Fair Shoppin’ Centre at the Gold Coast so’s they could ride up and down the escalator thingimebobs for a few hours as entertainment. They’d never seen movin’ stairs before. It was like some kinda miracle. Even then the security guards were very understandin’ and let us go without callin’ no boys in blue.

The only trains North Queenslanders know about is them cane trains and they don’t have no seats at all! You can ride in ‘em but you gotta make sure you hop out before they arrive at the sugar refinery ors you might end up as molasses.

I knows it must be hard for youse all to do your job with all those kids slashin’ seats and puttin’ their chewy and graffiti all over the place, but me little girl ain’t done nothin’ wrong like that. I’d be real cheesed off if that was the case. She’d be in for a walloping if I ever caught wind about those types of shenanigans.

Up here in North Queensland we put our filthy feet up on’n everythin’: the seats in the thee-aters, the doc’s surgery, the cinemaplex and sometimes even up on the dinner table. That’s if we’re lucky ‘nough to have a dinner table and not just be using a crate of four x beer left over from the Sundee roast chook.

Crikey, we even pick things up with our feet up here. If I’m cookin’ dinner and a pea rolls off me husband’s plate I just pick it up with me toes and put it back on the plate.

I’ll have a good chinwag with me daughter when she gets home this arvo and tell ‘er about how much more culturated youse Melbournians are and how ya don’t do things like plant your drongo feet on a train seat.

I know ya work on a train but I’ll bet ya don’t have tickets on yourself and won’t mind pullin’ your head in for once. I know indignants is no excuse for the law but it’d be really grouse if you could kinda forget about that fine because she needs to pay to have ‘er car fixed and has Buckley’s chance of gettin’ the dough outta me.

Cheers Big Ears,

Pinky xx

How do you reckon that'll go down?

P.S. Scotto just rang to say he's only 75kg not 85kg. 

Linking up with Jess at Essentially Jess for #IBOT