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Monday, October 12, 2015

Alternative Medicine or Bullshit?

I have a new Quantam physics theory: Everything takes 20 minutes, everything costs $1000 dollars, and everything has at least 500 calories. Think about it. It’s bloody true.

Because of all the expenses that’ve been occurring lately to do with the sale of my house, I’ve begun to become what some people might affectionately refer to as a tight wad.

I’ve been in a frugal mood lately, not wanting to spend money after all the house improvement expenses and I’ve been avoiding a visit to the doctor (even though the doctor is free).

I’ve gone deaf again you see. Every couple of years my ultra-fine ear canals fill up with sweet smelling wax and I go pretty much stone cold deaf. I can hear an individual voice when everything else around me is silent, but if there’s any background noise it’s like trying to hear with a jumbo jet landing a few metres away.

It’s reached crisis point because if my Chihuahua barks, my head spins out. It’s the same when my raucous friend, Kyles laughs in my ear or if I come across a shrieking toddler in the grocery store. A certain pitch sends me into spasms of vertigo.

Today, I ricocheted off the baked bean display when a three year old threw a tantrum and I accidentally took down an old lady on a walker with me.

On the weekend, I enlisted the help of Scotto to assist me in the satanistic ritual of ear candling. Everyone (Kyles), assured me it wouldn’t hurt and that the natural warmth of the burning candle poking out of my ear hole would draw out copious amounts of pumpkin-like clogging wax from my acoustic meatus (ear hole).

Human Torch!

“Are you supposed to have black smoke coming out of your ear?” yawned a bored Scotto as he sat ensuring I didn’t set my hair on fire (again).

“I don’t know,” I answered, spluttering in the smoke. “It’s not hurting so I suppose it’s okay.”

But I discovered later that black smoke is definitely not supposed to come out of one’s ear and that it meant that one did not have the candle poked anywhere near enough deeply poked into one’s ear. So of course it didn’t work in the slightest.

I tried dripping hydrogen peroxide down my ear after that. “It will gurgle and bubble for a minute and the all the wax will effuse like lava from your shell-like ear onto a tissue” the google site exclaimed.

Yeah… well it didn’t. 

Ear candling= ten dollars. Hydrogen Peroxide and cotton balls = eight dollars.

Doctor= free.

Why didn’t I just go to the fudging doctor in the first place?

Apart from the cost there’s also the fear factor. When you have your ear syringed it’s akin to having someone sticking a fire hose up your nose and pushing on the full power except that it’s in your ear which is slightly closer to your brain. It feels as if your brains are going to blow out of the other side of your head.

So now I don’t know what to do. Stay deaf? Or risk having my brains blown out my opposing ear. 

It would probably be like just a teaspoonful of chopped mince that came out anyway. I probably wouldn’t even miss it really.

Any secret remedies?