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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

He's Gawn!!!

So… he’s gawn.

Scotto has left the building. My husband of eleven years has nicked off to his job at the Gold Coast and I might not see him again until Christmas.

As I sat munching on my Coles three dollar salad tonight, watching Modern Family on the telly, Celine the Fox Terrier and Pablo the Chihuahua sat at the front door staring out wistfully, waiting for their Daddy to come home.

It was a bit sad. Sort of like Kramer Vs Kramer, but with no acrimonious divorce… and mangy, unattractive dogs instead of a cute, lisping kid.

Mind you, as far as the dogs are concerned Scotto has left forever. I tried my hardest to explain the situation to them but I think all they heard was MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH.

You know what this means though. It means there’s nobody here to censor my posts. Nobody to say, “Er, Pinky, that’s just not at all funny. In fact if you post that you might need to engage a lawyer.”

Or even worse, nobody to tell me my post is as boring as reading the bloody tide table and solunar charts in the newspaper.

My Weather Report.

Today Wednesday, 28th of October of 2015, the sun rose in Townsville when Pablo the Chihuahua heard an early morning jogger outside the bedroom window and proceeded to go off his lolly, startling me from my dream about ‘What does the fox really say?’* and putting me in an instant bad mood.

Sunset was at 6:03 pm, at precisely the same time Pinky eased the lid from a chilled bottle of Chardonnay (even though she knows the stigma attached to ‘those who drink alone’) but she figures she’s not alone because of all the animals…

The moon set at 5:28 am at 283º west. Then, the moon rose at 75º east at 6:52 pm (I don’t know what the fudge that means but it’s really good there’s a moon because without one we’d be a lot floatier or heavier… I’m not sure which).

The lunar phase is a Full Moon. It’s also Halloween. Do you realise what this means for teachers? Do you realise??? The ‘Perfect Storm’ I read the other day!

It was hard at work today knowing that my day at school is probably as interesting as my life will be from now on.

I started the day with high hopes, plunging myself into an invigorating grammar lesson.

But, as usual, just when I’ve reached the pinnacle of my passionate teacher enthusiasm, right in the middle of the exhilarating moment when I’ve inspired my students with a William Wallace style oratory (on how you should double the consonant when adding a suffix to a base word if it has a short vowel… don’t worry it’s much more interesting when you hear it in real life), the bloody classroom phone rings.

It happens every time.

There’s a mad scrabble of arms and legs as the students closest to the phone (reluctantly) tear themselves away from my zealous monologue, even though there’s always an allocated phone monitor for the day.

The entire class goes silent as they watch the ‘telephone-answering prize-winner’ nodding mutely into the receiver while I look on with a frustrated frown, knowing in my heart I’ve lost the class’s attention for the rest of the grammar lesson.

The victorious student hangs up and slinks back to their seat.

“Well? Who was it?” I demand.

The student shrugs.

“Was it the office?” I badger.

“No…” he or she will whisper. “Maybe.”

“What did the person want?” I ask in controlled fury.

“I don’t know,” they twiddle their hair. “I couldn’t understand them, Mrs Poinker.”

And that’s the end of that. 

I don’t know if it was the Deputy Principal ringing to say the school’s on fire, there’s an approaching tsunami and there’s a mad gunman on the loose in the school or if it’s just the tuckshop ringing to let Phineas O’Toole know there aren’t any ham and cheese toasted sandwiches today so he’ll have to have a meat pie at morning tea.

* I had a very vivid dream last night where I was on a quest to find out what the fox does say. I know this is stupid because that song is so yesterday. What do you think it means? Is it an omen that the fox has something to say to me? Do you know a fox I can ask? Should I stop writing posts until I can get my censor back?