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Friday, October 16, 2015

Warning: Do Not Put in Mouth!

Scotto had a tummy bug this week on his first few days of holiday before starting his new job on the Gold Coast.

I wouldn’t let him kiss me on the mouth all week because… well, you know... germs.

I let the dogs kiss me on the mouth but they don’t have a tummy bug. Dogs have different germs to us anyway.

Of course, if the dogs kissed Scotto on the mouth first, they weren’t allowed to kiss me, but I suppose that’s starting to get a bit icky so I’ll stop now.

There are just a few things I refuse to put in my mouth.

Here’s a list to test your boredom levels.

1. Nicorette chewing gum I dropped from my pocket on the toilet floor.

Other random dropped Nicorettes are fair game; the classroom floor, the kitchen, down the side of the couch, the car floor…. whatever. They're quite expensive you know and I don't like to waste them plus they're slippery little buggers and I'm always dropping them. 

(I’ve been chewing them for fifteen years and I can assure you they repel most germs. Even ants and cockroaches don’t eat them. I don’t really know what they put in them but I think they might be making my hair fall out and my gums disintegrate, but at least I don’t have lung cancer. 

Yes. Fifteen years is a very long time. I think Nicorette Inc should do research on me and pay me with a life time supply of Nicorettes… as a case study sort of thing).

2. Coriander. It tastes like someone melted a plastic pen under a lamp and dripped it all over a lettuce leaf.

3. Sauvignon Blanc. It’s disgusting and pathetic. Tastes like crushed flower petals (probably pansies) mixed with fairy water. Only a sook would drink it. Even if it was the only wine left on Earth I still wouldn’t drink it. Okay. Maybe I might. But I’d have to boil it down and distil it to a heavier consistency first.

4. Anything that smells funny. If I get even a slight whiff that something’s not quite right I’d rather go hungry. I wouldn’t risk it. I haven’t thrown up since 2001. That’s pretty good, huh? Not going to risk breaking that record for a measly fillet of $30 Atlantic salmon that smells strange. I’ll just be eating the chips thanks.

5. Cochineal flavoured stuff. It just tastes like stink beetles.

6. Stink beetles.

7. A meerkat. I know lambs are cute too and I don’t eat lamb either but I suspect most meerkats would be infested with worms and I wouldn’t eat anything infested with worms. Plus I've heard they eat stink beetles.

8. Even if I was guaranteed the meerkat wasn’t infested with worms I still wouldn’t eat one because they are family oriented and I'm all for the family thing. 

Note: I didn’t write ‘orientated’ because that’s an unnecessary syllable which is becoming more and more predominentated.

9. Finally, I would never let a dreaded donut enter my rosebud lips. 

Especially a donut with a hair in it. There, I’ve said it. The thought of a hair in my mouth is the singular greatest fear in my life. I bit into one such pastry in Tijuana once and discovered to my dismay, a thick curly, black, greasy hair in my sugared donut. I shudder to wonder from whence it came. 
Is whence a word? (It must be because there are no squiggly lines underneath it.) Seriously though, how disgusting? It was too long for an arm hair and too short and coarse for a head hair so where the fudge did it come from? A stink beetle- eating meerkat?

What won’t you put in your mouth? Don’t be rude!