Pinky's Book Link

Friday, February 15, 2013

Pinky's Guide to the Birds and the Bees.

When I was nine years old I decided I was never getting married. My favourite cousin, Cheryl (who was about three years older than me) and I were visiting our Grandmother. We were sitting on the front stairs of the fibro house watching Grandma’s sausage dog labouring along the path about to drop a litter of puppies. The poor thing’s stomach was dragging on the ground.

“Do you know where the puppies are going to come out of?” asked Cheryl furtively.

“Of course I do!” I retorted knowledgably. My parents had bred cocker spaniels and I’d seen my fair share of puppies being born. “They come out of the dog’s bum.” 

“No they don’t!” scoffed Cheryl. The come out of the number one hole.”

“That’s stupid!” I countered. “How could they squeeze out of that little hole.”

“It stretches,” she replied and added mysteriously, “and do you know how the puppies get inside?”

Now this question had never really crossed my mind. I had always assumed babies and puppies just randomly grew inside their mother’s stomachs.
And so my informative cousin Cheryl, proceeded to enlighten me in graphic detail exactly how babies get into their mummy’s tummies.

I didn’t believe a word the lying fibber said. It was way too far fetched. 

As soon as I got home I confronted my mother.

“Mum, Cheryl said babies come out of ladies’ number one holes. They come out the bum don’t they?”

My mother blanched, “Ask your father when he comes home.” she wheezed.

My query had seemed to elicit an interesting reaction from my mother. Now I was extremely curious and dying for Dad to get home.

I challenged him the minute he walked in the door. So while my mother cooked the steak and three veg in the kitchen; Dad got out the medical book he’d been saving for this occasion and proceeded to technically explain sexual intercourse, menstruation, gestation and birthing. 

I don’t think I had ever before or have ever since, listened to my father so intently.

The next day I trotted off to school armed with a plethora of exciting information I couldn’t wait to deliver to all and sundry.

Surrounded by my nine year old friends at lunchtime, I regaled them with a revealing expose of what their parents got up to behind closed doors, complete with illustrative diagrams.

“That’s disgusting,” cried one of my appalled friends, “My parents would never do that!”

Two of the girls couldn’t stop crying and had to be sent home and my teacher never seemed to like me much after that day.

Please comment below on how you found out about the birds and bees or similar stories. I'd love to hear them!