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Sunday, December 20, 2015

Christmas Conspiracy Theories!

I’ve been a bit bored this weekend and have resorted to reading conspiracy theories on the Internet.

Stuff about Osama Bin Laden still being alive and living in disguise as an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas as a cover for working with the CIA who are planning to take down the Illuminati who’ve managed to communicate with aliens on the planet Nibiru which is hiding behind the sun but is in a direct collision course with Earth. In the meantime the Catholic Church is hiding documents which prove the Hadron Collider will destroy the Earth by creating a gigantic black hole and the only person who can stop it is JFK who is also still alive and living in a secret location on Mt Ararat in, you guessed it, Noah’s Ark.

Stuff like that.

F-A-C-T-U-A-L stuff, guys.

Read more stuff on the Internet and learn something through research guys.

As a matter of fact, I’ve come up with a few conspiracy theories of my own.

1. The government is forcing the medical profession to tell us that alcohol is bad for us (lol) because we have our most creative ideas and can see the bigger truths when we’re pissed. Why, just the other afternoon Scotto and I came up with a brilliant invention while we were in the swimming pool drinking wine. We were hooting and high-fiving like crazy it was such a brilliant concept. I’d tell you what that freakin fantastic invention was but it’s not patented yet and I don’t want you nicking our million dollar idea. Plus, I don’t really remember what it actually was… but I’m sure it’ll come back to me soon.

2. Santa is not real. I saw him in Kmart, then I drove really quickly to Target and he was there as well and it wasn’t the SAME SANTA! Not only that but the Santa in Target was really tall and the Santa in Kmart looked like he’d be able to ride Makybe Diva in the Melbourne Cup. Santa is invented by the New World Order and all those Santas are really just a bunch of disguised Rothschild cousins trying to stimulate the economy by making us buy presents ensuring that we stay poor while they get even richer.

3. Stone fruit is available all year round but it’s only available to us poor people at Christmas for $25 a kilogram. Meanwhile, the Rothschilds feed nectarines and lychees to their chickens every day of the year. Well… the Rothschild’s slaves feed the chickens, I mean, not the actual Rothschilds… because they’re too busy having secret naked meetings in the woods around pentagons and stuff.

4. There is a conspiracy theory about poo babies. Some people say the spare tyres on your belly are just poo accumulated from eating too many rum balls and mince pies. Believe me. I’ve tested it out and the spare tyre is not full of poo. The same thing goes with a ‘wind baby’. Even though you feel 2 kilos lighter when you let Fluffy off the chain, wind doesn’t weigh that much unfortunately.

5. There is a theory that Turduckens are clandestinely made from a chicken stuffed inside a duck which is stuffed inside a turkey. Personally, I find this to be ridiculous.
I know in my heart it’s just a turkey with a really big poo baby and who the hell would eat that?

Any theories of your own?