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Saturday, December 14, 2013

How to be an UN-EVIL Stepmother

One central character who has not yet been introduced into the insane adventures of Pinky Poinker is “Petal”.

                               Petal at three years of age.

I first met Petal when she was three. Her father and I had only recently met and I remember her soulful brown eyes staring intently and suspiciously at me from the backseat of the car. I think I won her over that day with a princess Barbie and a Happy Meal.

Yes… you guessed right. Pinky is a 

Normally Petal lives with her mother in the Southern Queensland Highlands where it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. The first thing she does when she arrives at Chez Poinker is tear up the stairs and burst into each of her step-siblings bedrooms to announce her arrival.

                             Petal now at twelve years of age.

She then smothers the dogs with kisses, greets the cat and shimmies into her swimmers without delay. Petal then proceeds to spend eight hours every day thrashing around the pool, only taking breaks for the occasional bag of crisps or an icy-pole. I’ve never seen such a water-baby.

The word ‘stepmother’, has bad connotations and stepmothers generally get a bad rap in the press eg; Cinderella, Snow White etc.

I’ve made a list (derived from my personal experience) on how you may avoid being labelled an ‘evil stepmother’ with all its unjust implications.

Don’t spend too much time in front of the mirror comparing your beauty to hers and throwing hissy fits when the mirror smart mouths you.

Try to tone down your natural, maniacal laugh.

Don’t take her to the butchers, order a beef heart then put it into a jewelled box and keep it on your dresser. She might get mixed messages.

Don’t over pluck your eyebrows into sardonic arches.

Don’t wear black, day in and day out.

Don’t walk around the house in a tiara and make your stepdaughter call you Baroness Poinker.

Don’t make her sweep the fireplace.

Don’t make her do the washing up every day and call her “Palmolive”.

Don’t hang around turrets.

Don’t have a crow as a pet.

Don’t go offering her apples all the time, especially if they’re red on one side and green on the other.

Get rid of any warts or large moles on your face.

Book an appointment with the dentist to replace missing teeth.
Above all, … don’t keep pumpkins around the house or you may discover she’s been sneaking out at night.