@pinkypoinker13h
If I see ONE MORE list of new year's resolutions or round up of the year I'm going to STRANGLE myself with the cord of my laptop re-charger.
I'm sick to the eyeballs of opening every newspaper, magazine, web page, post and seeing the same thing over and over.
Therefore, my last post for the year will not be a boring list of how I want to change myself in 2014.
I love Twitter... it's so global. I have some hilarious Tweeps and have selected my favourite funnies for 2014.
Enjoy...
Just Bill @WilliamAder19 Dec
Someone is going to receive a gift from me that has scissors and a roll of Scotch tape under the wrapping. I'm gonna need those back.
clenickie @clenickie26 Dec
PHEW!!! I just got a bill in the mail that said... FINAL NOTICE! What a relief.
Larry & Moon Dog @DukEB5125 May
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her,
Dmvm @Dmvm197719 Dec
Q) What's the difference between an office Xmas party and a homicide crime scene? A) About 7 vodkas.
Ian T Hall @IanTHall22 Dec
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka22 Dec
"These keep me from swearing, these keep me from killing you, these help me ovulate & also keep me from killing you" -wife going thru pills
Michael Clarke @Mr_Mike_Clarke22 Dec
Every time I wash a spoon...
Someone is going to receive a gift from me that has scissors and a roll of Scotch tape under the wrapping. I'm gonna need those back.
clenickie @clenickie26 Dec
PHEW!!! I just got a bill in the mail that said... FINAL NOTICE! What a relief.
Larry & Moon Dog @DukEB5125 May
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her,
Dmvm @Dmvm197719 Dec
Q) What's the difference between an office Xmas party and a homicide crime scene? A) About 7 vodkas.
Ian T Hall @IanTHall22 Dec
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka22 Dec
"These keep me from swearing, these keep me from killing you, these help me ovulate & also keep me from killing you" -wife going thru pills
Michael Clarke @Mr_Mike_Clarke22 Dec
Every time I wash a spoon...
Molly @HappyHijabbi18 Dec
Ah, maybe, I don't know - first rule of might club
Crack You Whip @CrackYouWhip7 Dec
1. LOL 2. Haha 3. K Translation: Stop texting me!
Lynyrd @lynyrdsbackyard14 Dec
Santa struggled to explain to Mrs. Claus why his browsing history was riddled with links to Twitter pages of the girls on the naughty list.
Wellbelove @wellbelove12 Dec
Think they may need a rebrand for English speaking countries
moody monday @mdob1118 Apr
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka1 Dec
Put up Xmas lights today & only got electrocuted, like, TW-TW-TW-twice
Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers26 Nov
A morning after pill... But for Drunk texts...
palokin @palokin15 Jan
If you say "bless you" after your cat sneezes, you might just die alone.
GrossHopper @AGStr8upNinja19 Nov
How old people make use of canes: 10% walking. 90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Simtec @splegge18 Nov
My German flat mate wants to play hide the sausage.. What's the wurst that can happen!?
Paper Wash© @PaperWash21 Jul
Relationship status: ironing shirt with George Foreman grill.
Terry F @daemonic315 Nov
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Will Ferrell @imnoWillFerrell17 Nov
Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
JJ Anderson @TPJ1316 Nov
It's weird how everybody looks so skinny in their bit strips.
Michelle Weaver @pinkypoinker14 Nov
I just watched my cat being carried away by a mosquito... #livinginthetropics
Accidental Chair @bvb112313 Nov
Ever looked close into your cat's eyes? Beyond their usual IDGAF attitude is definitely a look that says "I will eat you if I have a chance"
Matthew Cocker @BrandyTartlet4 Nov
"There was nobody in when we tried to deliver, so we left your parcels hidden under the door mat."
Not so Awesome Alex @Alex_LaVallee22 Mar
A telemarketer just called my cell phone. I pretended to be a phone sex operator. HE didn't hang up. ...things got awkward.
JT @JT_IV_30 May
back pain is youth leaving the body
Super Girl @AphroditeAfter511 Mar
I've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days
Sad Peruna @SadPeruna19 Oct
If you see a bunch of tough looking guys walking down the street, don't run and jump into their arms. They'll almost NEVER catch you.
AmishPornStar @Troman887 Sep
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Tony @Tmoney6811 Oct
Anything you can do, I can do bitter.
Heath @DaHess14 Apr
I'm not sure where my dad learned to whisper but I'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by fucking chainsaws.
June @junejuly1221 Sep
Since we can't seem to kill this fly, I'm turning him into a pet and calling him Jeff
Dirt McTurd @DirtMcTurd15 Sep
A lot of people keep telling me my grammar stinks, what the fuck did you expect, she's 82 years old!
Accidental Chair @bvb112313 Oct
My roommate said everyone on twitter was a nerd and that I was better than this. Related: I need help getting rid of a body.
Gorilla Nipples @CoopSoSarc6 Feb
Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.
Dan @GodDammitDan9 Aug
Bank: "We're federally insured up to $250k, so anything over that wou--" Me: "That certainly won't be a problem." *deposits $10*
Britts Nasty @TheNastiestB12 Oct
LIFE HACK: if you put tin foil in your microwave it will make lightning. Unrelated: my microwave is on fire
Chris Watts @BrutusWatts27 Oct
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money, again!! Little help!
Colin Smith @countcol24 Oct
Annoying idea! Wear an apple t-shirt and tell everybody that you are better than them!
Steve Olivas @steveolivas21 Jun
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
America's Henchman @TheDailySchmuck16 Sep
Twitter: where people not doing stuff can talk about people doing stuff.
