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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My Top 40 Favorite Tweets in 2013.

                                        Image Credit

Yesterday I sent out this tweet...


If I see ONE MORE list of new year's resolutions or round up of the year I'm going to STRANGLE myself with the cord of my laptop re-charger.

I'm sick to the eyeballs of opening every newspaper, magazine, web page, post and seeing the same thing over and over.

Therefore, my last post for the year will not be a boring list of how I want to change myself in 2014.

I love Twitter... it's so global. I have some hilarious Tweeps and have selected my favourite funnies for 2014.


Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder19 Dec

Someone is going to receive a gift from me that has scissors and a roll of Scotch tape under the wrapping. I'm gonna need those back.

clenickie ‏@clenickie26 Dec

PHEW!!! I just got a bill in the mail that said... FINAL NOTICE! What a relief.

Larry & Moon Dog ‏@DukEB5125 May

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her,

Dmvm ‏@Dmvm197719 Dec

Q) What's the difference between an office Xmas party and a homicide crime scene? A) About 7 vodkas.

Ian T Hall ‏@IanTHall22 Dec

I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

Grant Tanaka ‏@GrantTanaka22 Dec

"These keep me from swearing, these keep me from killing you, these help me ovulate & also keep me from killing you" -wife going thru pills

Michael Clarke ‏@Mr_Mike_Clarke22 Dec

Every time I wash a spoon...

Molly ‏@HappyHijabbi18 Dec

Ah, maybe, I don't know - first rule of might club

Crack You Whip ‏@CrackYouWhip7 Dec

1. LOL 2. Haha 3. K Translation: Stop texting me!

Lynyrd ‏@lynyrdsbackyard14 Dec

Santa struggled to explain to Mrs. Claus why his browsing history was riddled with links to Twitter pages of the girls on the naughty list.

Wellbelove ‏@wellbelove12 Dec

Think they may need a rebrand for English speaking countries 

moody monday ‏@mdob1118 Apr

I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

Grant Tanaka ‏@GrantTanaka1 Dec

Put up Xmas lights today & only got electrocuted, like, TW-TW-TW-twice

Will Rodgers ‏@WilliamRodgers26 Nov

A morning after pill... But for Drunk texts...

palokin ‏@palokin15 Jan

If you say "bless you" after your cat sneezes, you might just die alone.

GrossHopper ‏@AGStr8upNinja19 Nov

How old people make use of canes: 10% walking. 90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

Simtec ‏@splegge18 Nov

My German flat mate wants to play hide the sausage.. What's the wurst that can happen!?

Paper Wash© ‏@PaperWash21 Jul

Relationship status: ironing shirt with George Foreman grill.

Terry F ‏@daemonic315 Nov

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Will Ferrell ‏@imnoWillFerrell17 Nov

Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

JJ Anderson ‏@TPJ1316 Nov

It's weird how everybody looks so skinny in their bit strips.

Michelle Weaver ‏@pinkypoinker14 Nov

I just watched my cat being carried away by a mosquito... #livinginthetropics

Accidental Chair ‏@bvb112313 Nov

Ever looked close into your cat's eyes? Beyond their usual IDGAF attitude is definitely a look that says "I will eat you if I have a chance"

Matthew Cocker ‏@BrandyTartlet4 Nov

"There was nobody in when we tried to deliver, so we left your parcels hidden under the door mat."

Not so Awesome Alex ‏@Alex_LaVallee22 Mar

A telemarketer just called my cell phone. I pretended to be a phone sex operator. HE didn't hang up. ...things got awkward.

JT ‏@JT_IV_30 May

back pain is youth leaving the body

Super Girl ‏@AphroditeAfter511 Mar

I've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days

Sad Peruna ‏@SadPeruna19 Oct

If you see a bunch of tough looking guys walking down the street, don't run and jump into their arms. They'll almost NEVER catch you.

AmishPornStar ‏@Troman887 Sep

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Tony ‏@Tmoney6811 Oct

Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

Heath ‏@DaHess14 Apr

I'm not sure where my dad learned to whisper but I'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by fucking chainsaws.

June ‏@junejuly1221 Sep

Since we can't seem to kill this fly, I'm turning him into a pet and calling him Jeff

Dirt McTurd ‏@DirtMcTurd15 Sep

A lot of people keep telling me my grammar stinks, what the fuck did you expect, she's 82 years old!

Accidental Chair ‏@bvb112313 Oct

My roommate said everyone on twitter was a nerd and that I was better than this. Related: I need help getting rid of a body.

Gorilla Nipples ‏@CoopSoSarc6 Feb

Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.

Dan ‏@GodDammitDan9 Aug

Bank: "We're federally insured up to $250k, so anything over that wou--" Me: "That certainly won't be a problem." *deposits $10*

Britts Nasty ‏@TheNastiestB12 Oct

LIFE HACK: if you put tin foil in your microwave it will make lightning. Unrelated: my microwave is on fire

Chris Watts ‏@BrutusWatts27 Oct

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money, again!! Little help!

Colin Smith ‏@countcol24 Oct

Annoying idea! Wear an apple t-shirt and tell everybody that you are better than them!

Steve Olivas ‏@steveolivas21 Jun

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

America's Henchman ‏@TheDailySchmuck16 Sep

Twitter: where people not doing stuff can talk about people doing stuff.