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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

How to Look After a Mogwai


“NOOOO way, Jose! I will not look after your incontinent, hyperactive Mogwai creature when we’re trying to sell our house and keep it clean!” was my immediate response when 22 year old son and his girlfriend, Meggles, asked us to look after their baby Chihuahua for EIGHT DAYS while they went schmoozing in Bali. “It pees everywhere and our dogs hate its guts! There'll be non-stop growling and snapping.”

“Yes of course I'll look after it! I love it to death. Give it NOW!” were the words that actually came out of my mouth.

So there we were, grinning like a pair of duped fools as we clutched the wriggling, diminutive, spotted weasel and waved Hagar’s ute goodbye after taking possession of a large bag of dried food, a collar and leash and a wee pad.

“There are three rules for looking after Mogwai’” Scotto hissed a warning between gritted teeth after Hagar’s exhaust fumes had dissipated.

1. Don't put it near light, especially sunlight, it could kill it.

2. Don't let it get wet with water nor give it any water to drink nor bathe it.

3. No matter how much it cries or begs, NEVER feed it after midnight.

“Let’s take it for a walk in the sunlight to kill it or at the least, wear it out,” I suggested after the Mogwai wouldn’t stop humping my Chihuahua, Pablo, nonstop for six hours. There’d also been at least ten, life threatening altercations where the Mogwai’s throat was in danger of being unceremoniously ripped out by my fox terrier.

Leesten up, you leetle sheet!

The walk did not tire the Mogwai out in the least. The sunlight didn’t kill it either.

“Let’s take it for a swim!” I shouted a bit louder than necessary after the Mogwai pooed in the washing basket.

Never put a Mogwai in water!

That didn’t kill it or tire it out either. It didn’t make it multiply either, despite the urban legends. It did smell horrible afterwards though… like a wet ball of something you might find in a hospital bin.

“Let’s give it a really, excessively big dinner, late at night to fill it up and make it sleepy!” I screamed in hysteria after the Mogwai kept squeaking it's new chicken toy during the movie.

But no… the Mogwai was still bursting at the seams with an unnatural nuclear-type energy after its huge, midnight snack.

“Try rocking it to sleep,” I sighed. “Do your Nana-Rock thing, Scotto. What do we have to lose?” My mouth was twitching and I was at the end of my tether.

The Mogwai’s eyelids began to droop as Scotto rocked it back and forward. He had the Nana touch after all.

“Sit down gently on the couch and see what happens,” I whispered, taking care not to awaken the evil creature. "But don't make any sudden moves."

The Mogwai’s eyes gradually closed. The Mogwai was asleep at last.

We were free from its evil presence until daylight. Or at least we hoped we were…

So the new rule for Mogweegian minders is this; the Mogwai were created to be able to survive in almost every environment. Adapt to their desires or be subjected to their wrath.

Puppies of the Corn