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Monday, January 25, 2016

Yoga for Beginners

Celine, helping me do my yoga.

Scotto and I have been doing Pilates/Yoga exercises via Youtube videos every day for the last two weeks. The sessions only go for twenty to thirty minutes but they’re pretty damn intense. I told my friend, Nettie what we’d been doing when we went out to dinner with her the other night.

“Where are you doing it?” she asked me.

“In the bedroom, in front of the telly,” I shrugged, bolting a chip down my pie-hole.

“Oh, I see,” she used the sarcastic quotation mark gesture. “Bed Pilates… too much information, Pinky.”

“No… proper Pilates, on the bedroom floor,” I hissed, disgusted at her inference.

Scotto puts the computer screen on the TV (somehow) and we follow the instructions of a very vicious, sadistic, thin woman. There isn't much room so I end up with my head smashing into the wardrobe door frame.

The dogs join in and Pablo the Chihuahua is particularly good at the “Down Dog” which isn’t surprising when you think about it. Sometimes he licks my tortured, sweaty face halfway through a Reverse Twisted Locust and that’s not very nice because I can’t shoo him away and have to put up with his slimy tongue up my nostril.

Usually, I’m positioned behind Scotto so he can’t see when I’m cheating, but I can see him. He cheats a lot. He’s nowhere near as flexible as me. When I was a kid I could lie on my stomach and bend my legs over my shoulders so that my knees were either side of my ears (a Reverse Rabbit). 

I could do the splits every which way too. I can’t do that now of course but I can still bend waist over and put my palms on the floor without bending my knees.

Scotto says I have long hammies but I don’t know if he’s being insulting or not.

Anyway, if my hammies are long, he must have short hammies. And you know what they say,

short hammies, short…. distance you can bend forward.

We usually complete our twenty minute session in our swimming togs. Don’t try to picture it. Bits of flesh cascade everywhere and there are carpet burns in unsavoury places; places you can’t normally see without a speculum, torch and whipper snipper.

My goal is to attain spiritual enlightenment by cracking the Wounded Peacock pose.

You do know the oldest yoga teacher in the world is 97, right?

That gives me forty-one years left to practise.


(I'm pretty certain that means 'Happy Australia Day')

Ever tried yoga or pilates? Any tips?

Linking up with Jess from Essentially Jess for #IBOT