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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Pinky is Dyeing to tell you something.

I’m a bit bored waiting for the L’Oreal Sublime Mousse (Darkest Brown) hair dye I just applied to cure so I thought it would be a convenient time to write my post. Did you know that “l’oreal” means ‘the space between the eye and beak of a bird’? Who knew?

I wish my hair wasn’t going grey but unfortunately it is. You know… there are quite a few things I’d wish for if I had a fairy godmother or a genie in a bottle.

I wish the makers of hair dye weren’t so confusing for a start.

They provide dire warning instructions that you MUST do a spot test (you know… where you put a spot of the dye on your wrist to check for allergies) 48 hours before you apply the dye. This is a mandatory activity every single time you use their product. But you’re only supposed to mix it up seconds before applying so how does that work? What happens if you do have an allergic reaction? 

I haven’t ever bothered doing a spot check and usually spend the 30 minute treatment time with the nagging dread that this may be the time my head will undoubtedly swell up and fall off.

But… shallow desires such as these are not all I wish for…

I wish I’d been born into royalty… Princess Poinker has a nice ring to it don’t you think? (Not the British Monarchy though, they’re boring. The Grimaldis of Monaco might be alright.)

I wish wine didn’t have any calories.

I wish wigs would come back into fashion so I wouldn’t have to dye my hair or even wash it every day.

I wish people would refrain from doing their own advertisements on TV and radio (or worse, get their kids to do them) and hire a professional instead.

I wish restaurants would stop putting calorie counts on their menus; it spoils everyone’s fun.

I wish TV and radio hosts wouldn’t make wheezing or snorting laughing sounds while they’re on air. It doesn’t make what they’re saying any funnier.

I wish my hairdresser would stop trying to sell me conditioner made from crushed unicorn horn because I can’t afford it and I only ever want a trim. This is why I dye my own hair.

I wish people would stop whinging about kids screaming in shopping centres and getting too many school holidays etc. They were a kid once too and I bet they didn’t complain about the holidays then.

I wish manufacturers wouldn’t put a huge hollow in the bottom of wine bottles so that you think you have a full glass left but when you pour it out only a dribble remains. It’s horribly disappointing.

I wish scientists would invent an artificial liver.

I wish skirting boards were self-cleaning.

I wish I could win Lotto so that Scotto and I could buy the Chihuahua farm we’ve always dreamed of. (You could all come and visit, I promise.) 
I wish Oprah would read my blog, invite me on her show and pay me a million bucks so that I could buy a Chihuahua farm.

I wish hair dye would stay in my hair for as long as it lasts staining the back of my ears.

I wish I could learn how to apply hair dye properly.

I wish the time would hurry up so I could wash this hair dye out and leave you all in peace.

I wish my scalp would stop burning and itching.

I wish there was no hypocrisy, racism, bigotry, wars, pettiness or cruelty in the world.

I wish I hadn’t let Scotto talk me into upgrading my phone. I hate the new one. I can’t figure out how to use it and it’s not even pink.

I wish I hadn’t just dropped my new phone on the tiles because I have already given Padraic my old one.

I wish I’d done that spot check… I think my lips are beginning to swell.

I wish I had lips like Elizabeth Hurley.

I wish my fingernails weren’t black because I forgot to put the gloves on when I dyed my hair.

I wish I could learn to read instructions thoroughly instead of just the warnings.

I wish I had a body like Elizabeth Hurley.

I wish I had something better to write about.

Okay, time’s up. Will my hair still be attached to my scalp when I take off this shower cap?

I’m sure you’re ‘dyeing’ to know…

PS: Pinky is very busy tomorrow night (it’s a secret why) so she won’t be able to write a post, but promises to reveal all in a fully illustrated work of literature (or sh#terature if you prefer) on Saturday!