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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Pinky's Relationship Advice for Men


We teachers were sitting in the staffroom yesterday when one of the Rugby-loving male teachers, JB, shot me a look,
“I see you’re off the salads Pinky… like you said you were going to in your bl….” he trailed off and guiltily looked at his feet. 

“Er… I was just reading your blog to make sure you didn’t bag me out about the cheesecake incident at your party,” he added with an overly breezy chuckle. For more on the cheesecake debacle read …here

“It’s okay JB,” I smiled sweetly, “You don’t have to make excuses for reading my blog! Lots of men read it.”

That is technically a big fat lie, lots of no-one reads my blog, but I do know at least a dozen men that do read it and it started me thinking about including some male-friendly content.

I know there’s a plethora of advice out there for men on how to interpret the mysterious quirks of women; what to say when she asks if her bum looks big, how when women say they’re ‘fine’ it means something completely different to ‘fine’ etc.

So I thought it might be useful to compose a Pinky list of home truths about women which you boys may or may not find helpful.

Now remember, I’ve been married twice, have a father, a brother and four sons, so these ‘home truths’ are not necessarily thinly veiled jibes at Scotto and could be about any male (
Scotto made me write that).

“Pinky’s Home Truths About Women”

#1. If you ask your wife if you can go on a three week Rugby Union Trip to Hong Kong when she’s eight months pregnant with baby number three and she says yes, she doesn’t mean yes. If you do go, the misdemeanour will continue to be brought up even twenty years later, after the divorce … no matter how amicable it was. (Guess who?)

#2. Don't jump off the scales gleefully announcing you've lost three kilos in a week just because you gave up smoko for four days last week. Your wife will not be impressed.

#3. When you hear your wife viciously swearing and violently shoving bottles around in the bathroom, try to recall if you cleaned your whiskers off the bathroom counter and sink after you shaved because that’s probably what she’s carrying on about. Don’t go in there.

#4. When I come upstairs to the bedroom with the morning coffee, am overwhelmed by a pungent gaseous odour and whilst gasping for fresh air fling open the windows, don’t try to blame the long-suffering dog. It was innocently downstairs with me the entire time.

#5. If you’re out shopping with your spouse, a Jennifer Hawkins (Miss Universe) look-a-like walks past and your wife says, “Wasn’t that girl absolutely stunning?” don’t reply innocently, “What girl? I didn’t notice”

We know you’re bullsh#tting.

#6. If you bung on the sick act too much when you’re not that bad it will come back to bite you on the bum, just like the boy who cried wolf. 

When Scotto complained of a stomach pain for over a week I kept telling him it was probably wind and to go for a walk and fart himself silly. After finally going to the doctor he was sent straight to the hospital with acute appendicitis. I felt like a terribly neglectful wife but when he was released from hospital two days later he collapsed at home with the post-op pain. After being rushed back to hospital with great drama in an ambulance, the cause of the excruciating agony turned out to be… wind.

#7. When you give a woman gifts don’t expect her to be forever in your debt. For example, if you give your mum a fifty dollar gift voucher for her birthday, don’t text her two hours later and ask for a thirty dollar loan.

#8. A woman may bitch and complain about her mother until the cows come home but don’t ever join in. Your mother-in-law will be the first person your wife will call when you have a big fight.

#9. When your wife/girlfriend cooks something new for dinner and asks you if you liked it, say you liked it. It’s not Facebook… you don’t get a choice.

#10. When you and your spouse are hosting and preparing for a big party, compiling a comprehensive playlist on the sound system is not as big a priority as you think… hosing the back patio is!

Hope you found that helpful boys.

And JB… I heard you when you said, “How do you put up with her?” to Scotto at the school fete last year.