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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Pinky's Tribute to Star Trek!


I know today is the day after the third of May but I refuse to say what you want me to. It’s all over Twitter and Facebook and frankly I’m sick of it. 

It happens to be my friend Kyles’ birthday and she informed me that the only way her husband can remember the date is by using that stupid “Star Wars Day” pun. 

Oh… Happy Birthday Kyles!

When the first Star Wars movie came out I was seventeen and went to see it with my pimply-faced boyfriend. We may or may not have both been under the influence of whacky tobaccy and I remember leaving the cinema not having a clue as to what I had just watched. 

That was the end of any Star Wars fanaticism for me for the next twenty-two years until The Phantom Menace was released. 
 I took Thaddeus, Jonah and Hagar to see it at the cinema. Throughout the entire movie I reflected on how much the kid playing Anakin resembled my six year old Hagar and consequently didn’t pay much attention to the storyline. 

What was the point when I hadn’t seen the first three episodes anyway? 

“Nooo! You’ve got it wrong Pinky!” Scotto (a committed Star Warsaholic) admonished me when I dared to blurt out this observation to him one day.

“That was the first episode. The one you saw twenty-two years ago was number four.”

“You’ve got to be sh#tting me.” I asserted. “They put the last three episodes before the first three. That’s just stupid! James Cameron is an idiot.”

“It was George Lucas Pinky, not James Cameron. It was to create the surprise about who Darth Vader was and the relationship between Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker!” he argued passionately whilst playing his World of Warcraft game and wearing his Halo 3 t-shirt.

“I reckon he just spent all the money he earned from the first three movies and had to make the rest of the story up as he went along. 
How did he know he was even going to be alive twenty-two years later anyway?” I retorted self-righteously. 

“Crikey," I added, "I don’t even buy more than a week’s worth of shopping at a time in case I kick the bucket. What a waste of money that would be.” 

Scotto has watched all of the movies many times but I’ve now been banned from watching them with him. This is mainly because of conversations that go something like this:

Pinky: So Princess Leia is the one with the donuts on the side of her head? Who does that Natalie Portman play then?

Scotto: Queen Amidala.

Pinky: Who is she? Is she Princess Leia’s daughter?

Scotto: No, she’s Princess Leia and Luke's mother.

Pinky: Their mother? Wow! Oooooh… so they were brother and sister? Did they have the same father?

Scotto: (sighing) Yes Pinky, they were twins.

Pinky: Didn’t Luke and Princess Leia get it on?

Scotto: (Scotto pauses the movie and turns to Pinky with a feigned expression of patience and speaking through clenched teeth)

No. They nearly did but it didn’t feel right.

Pinky: Damn straight it wouldn’t have felt right. That would be incest. So who was their father?

Scotto: Darth Vader.

Pinky: Dark Vader?

Scotto: (Rolling his eyes and tetchily switching the TV back on) DARTH VADER!

Pinky: Oooooh… Darth, that’s funny… I always thought it was Dark Vader… So just tell me one more thing…where does that Mr Spock come into it, you know … the one with the pointy ears? 

You can see why I'm not allowed to watch it with him anymore.Oh okay then damn it! May the bloody Fourth be with you!