Pinky's Book Link

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fur Flies as the End of the School Year Approaches

You can tell we’re nearing the end of the school year…

The fighting, bickering, paranoid behaviour and personal slurs have escalated. 

I’ve witnessed savage elbow jabbing into ribs in tussles at the pigeon holes, eyes rolling in barely concealed impatience and the odd Chinese burn inflicted on an imprudent victim who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

…and that’s just between the teachers in the staffroom.

Everyone’s tired. Our edges are rapidly fraying and seams splitting revealing the soft, ultra-sensitive underbellies beneath.

The School Guidance Counsellor, Julie, has set up a pamper station in the staffroom laden with bowls of chocolate, hand gels, stress balls, candles and self-help books.

Someone should tell her we need something a little stronger; like Valium and Gin.

Today, after finishing a gruelling lesson on pictographs as I was handing out some practise worksheets I wearily said to the kids, “If anyone is having trouble with a question just give me a ring.”

They stared at me with amusement, “But we don’t have any phones Mrs Poinker!” chimed twenty-eight highly entertained students.

Besides the fact that we teachers are shattered after a long year, it’s also the dreaded Report Card time again.

Writing reports (as I commented on poetically last semester….click here) used to be so simple. My teachers hand-wrote whatever sarcastic criticisms came to mind as they sat with their oil lamps burning and a half empty bottle of sherry beside them.

                          School Report for Pinky Poinker 1978
Mrs Wordsmith
Whilst Pinky should be commended on her ability to write an expanded essay based on the title and front cover of the text; “Lord of the Flies” was not about a pig who learns to fly a plane and breaks his glasses, thus causing him to crash the plane into a rainforest riddled with flies.
More effort is required in this subject next semester.
Mr Pickles
Thank you for the lovely letter you wrote me on your blank test paper, Pinky. 

I’m sorry but I can’t pass you even though I am sorry to hear you lost your revision sheets and had a migraine the night before your exam.
Ancient History
Miss Seenitall
Quoting two verses and a chorus of “ Rivers of Babylon” by Boney M is not a reflection of Mesopotamian Society in 1893 BC.
Pinky should try harder.
Modern History
Mrs Churchill
The “Rats of Tobruk” were not actual ‘rats’ and were most certainly not the cause of the Bubonic Plague in Europe in World War Two.
Pinky is not reaching her true potential.
Mr Weboflife
If Pinky had spent less time throwing frog entrails around the classroom during dissection in order to make Shirleen Hooper vomit and spent more time doing her assignments (of which she submitted-0)
perhaps she may have passed this subject.
Mr Dodgy
Who is this Pinky Poinker? 
I don’t believe I’ve ever met her. I thought she must have left the school because she’s never been to any classes, ever.

Teachers must have had FUN writing reports back in those days.