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Sunday, March 8, 2015

Can you Sing?

I’d like to explode a widespread myth that even I, at one stage in my life, fell for like an unco-ordinated middle-aged woman on a random piece of salami.

Yes, I have recently slipped over at Coles on a piece of salami discarded by a trolley-sitting toddler who’d freshly paid homage to one of those ladies who hand out bits of free salami.

I think she orchestrated the whole incident to tell the truth, all because she was pissed off when I said, “No thanks, I’m on a diet,” when she’d offered it to me and she just thought, “Yeah, well I’ll show that bi-artch a diet.”

Anyway it did hurt because I strained my neck trying to counter balance and people saw and I was considerably embarrassed so my feelings were hurt as well.

Salami pushers should be banned.

My point however, is that not everyone CAN sing.

I agree you can learn to basically follow a tune but most people don’t possess, and never will, the correct anatomy to produce an even remotely agreeable sound.

It would be the same as if you bent a flute via a welding thing-a- ma-bob. It would still play but the key would be wrong and the notes would be just a tiny bit off.

At one stage I fancied I could be a singer. I enrolled in expensive singing lessons and went for at least eight weeks of coaching. My secret dream was to leap up on the stage one night at Karaoke and belt out a Britney Spears number in front of my unsuspecting friends bringing the house to its knees with my talent. I could picture the tears gleaming in their eyes and the stunned congratulatory praise when I eventually, after three or four encores, left the stage begging for a break. They’d all buy me drinks and say how much of a dark horse I was.

That, needless to say, never eventuated.

Believe me I practised. The kids would complain as I trilled up and down the scales in the car. I managed to perfect one note and walked around the house la-la-ing that note over and over to get my diaphragm working and drove my then husband insane.

I just don’t have the plumbing to be a Shirley Bassey I’m afraid.

But I love singing and the only opportunity I get is at school when the entire community stand and sing their hearts out to Advance Australia Fair. My tuneless unmusicality is drowned out by the other 800 voices and boy do I let it out.

Britney would be proud.

But the kids in my class often turn around and stare at me in mild amusement.

They can’t figure out why Mrs. Poinker loves the National Anthem so much.

Somehow I managed to score a role in the chorus of the local production of Camelot.
There was no call back for any other productions.

Can you sing? Do you have a secret talent?

Linking up with Jess from Essentially Jess for #IBOT!