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Sunday, September 20, 2015

Open House Etiquette

Like a final episode of House Rules, Scotto and I brought it down to the final, wire meshed sponge today when we downed tools at 1:45 as our glamorous real estate agent Annette, pulled up outside in her flash car and ordered us off the property, avec dogs (‘avec’ means ‘with’ in French and I’m only being fancy cos I’m a bit tipsy with the relief of it all.)

We had to herd the canines out of the backyard which proved to be a trifle hysterical as the dog washer who came last week was the last person to see the dog leads and Scotto and I had an accusatory conversation about the whereabouts of said dog leads but eventually they were found underneath a statue of Doc Emmett Brown and a truckload of bubble wrap in the garage.

I’d suggested, as a celebration of our hard work, we take a few Midori Splices down to the dog park because as you know… firstly, we’ve been working hard and secondly, I find it difficult to celebrate or have fun without alcohol.

So we did.

It was so lovely to sit watching the dogs run around the park as we sat (with clawed, gnarled, cleaning product-encrusted hands, locked, painful knees and aching backs) on the poo ridden grass. 

Naturally, Pablo the Chihuahua and Borat the German Shepherd had a bit of a biff as usual.

Scotto telling Borat the 'rules'.

It’s funny how dogs have no sense of their own size. The Chihuahua thinks he’s as big as the German Shepherd and the Shepherd thinks he’s small enough to hide under our outdoor table where he’s always getting stuck in a most humiliating way.

No millionaires came along and offered to save our souls at the open house but it’s early days. I just hope someone had a quick peek inside my kitchen cupboards and thought to themselves, “What a lovely, clean woman the owner of this house must be! I’d like to meet this woman. She must be like Mary Fudging Poppins!”

Poor little Scotto got up at 4 o’clock this morning to get a head start on all the last minute chores. He let me have a lie in until 7:30am because I had a meltdown the previous night. I know what you’re thinking and no, I wasn’t bunging it on. I really did have a meltdown. There were no tears but my voice was wound up in an unnatural pitch like a Britney Spears song and my eyes were twitching and darting from corner to corner like I’d just drunk three iced coffees in a row with a Red Bull chaser.

It’s very stressful this moving business and I hope I never have to do it again.

We’re having a ‘twilight’ viewing tomorrow night which is awesome because no one will see the cobwebs in the dark… or me and Scotto hiding across the road, skulking under the trees with the dogs and our Midori Splices.

Have you tasted a Midori Splice? Bloody yummy huh?