Help Pinky Achieve World Domination

In January, at about the same time I began writing my blog, I read my ‘Annual Horoscope’ in the Sunday Mail.

“This year you will begin a new creative endeavour…” it began. “After throwing everything you have into this project, by August you will begin to reap dazzling and mind-blowing results. Indeed, your efforts may very well bring fame and adulation, and about time too, artistic Libra!”
That was enough celestial impetus for me. I could see it all clearly… the multi-million dollar book deal, the movie rights, the Oprah and Ellen interviews, the international tours, the “Pinky Doll”.

I’m going to be another Justin Beiber! I thought ecstatically… but a bit menopausal, a bit jowlier, and with a pot belly, skinny legs and can’t sing.

Well guess what, oh “Spirits of the Zodiac”? It’s freakin August and I haven’t achieved world domination.

“There are still twenty-six days left in August, Pinky,” reminded a sanguine Scotto after patiently listening to me complaining bitterly for hours on end. “You could still do it!”

I read my stars in the Sunday Mail yesterday. “You may be moving house in the near future,” it pontificated, “Possibly to a smaller abode. Better start collecting cardboard boxes.”

WTF????? How can my future go from world recognition and adulation to shifting house?

So I’m a bit cranky about my lack of success and frankly I’ve been beginning to suspect I spend too much time on my laptop anyway.



Particularly when I find myself wiping down the kitchen counters with Pine-o-Clean, doing a robotic voice-over, “AVAST! ANTI-VIRUS DATABASE HAS BEEN UPDATED!”

But you can help me! If you haven't already liked Pinky Poinker on Facebook, please look to your right and click on the button! I'll make sure you get a free 'Pinky Doll' when I hit the big time!

Pinky's Beautiful Blogger Awards

On May 30, I was presented a Beautiful Blogger Award from an author and blogger K J Waters from the United States. 

Thank you so much K.J. (I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond!) and I look forward to the release of your time travel book, “Stealing Time”. Please click … to check out K.J’s blog…Blondie in the Water 

The Rules:

1. Copy and place the Beautiful Blogger Award in your post. Done!

2. Thank the person that nominated you and link back to their blog. Check.

3. Tell 7 things about yourself. (Oh goody I get to talk about myself again!)

4. Nominate 7 fellow Bloggers, tell them by posting a comment on their Blog or tweet them. Done.


Seven things about myself that I haven’t already overshared.

# I don’t smoke but I’ve tirelessly chewed Nicorette gum for twelve years. I will give them up eventually. The delicious thing about nicotine is that it relaxes and stimulates you at the same time. Maybe I’ll quit when the kids leave home.

(Sometimes when I get out of the shower in the morning I’ll notice half my cup of coffee on the bedside table is gone and the Chihuahua is sitting on my bed chewing one of the nicorettes he pilfered from the same spot. No wonder he's so lively.)



# If it hadn’t been for the miracle of modern obstetrics I would have died giving birth to all five of my children. Preeclampsia, two breech babies requiring a caesarean, and two retained placentas meant that I may have bled to death, had a stroke or carked it because of some other alarming side effect.

# Who would I turn gay for? Why Jennifer Hawkins of course. She’s SO pretty! A girl friend of mine, who is gay and knows everything about it, revealed to me that a gay woman would never go for a generic beauty like Jen. A true lesbian would prefer someone like the rock star Pink, with her muscular body and bad attitude, or Angelina Jolie because she looks like she might take a knife to bed with her or something. Who knew?

# When I was a little girl I had a crush on, Fess Parker as Davy Crockett, Robert Vaughn as the Man from Uncle and Timothy Dalton as Heathcliff. What do all of these (now geriatric) gentlemen have in common? A chin dimple!

Guess who else has a chin dimple????

# I love eating tuna, anchovies, oysters, mushrooms, blue vein cheese and any other food that forces people to move away from you when you’re eating it. Not because I don’t like people but because they’re yummy!

# I’ve become addicted to writing my blog. It’s become my passion and I love it when people leave a comment. There is one (and only one) reader from South Korea who I’d like to give a shout out to. I always look forward to seeing you pop up in my stats every day. Please leave a comment because I’d love to know who you are! 

# I am terrible at telling jokes because I always muck up the punchline.

This is my favourite joke because I know it off by heart and never stuff it up.

Q. What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

A. They both circle Uranus in search of the Storm Troopers!

Dammit! I meant to write Klingons!

My NOMINEES For Beautiful Blogger Awards
Please visit the pages of my nominees. I look forward to their posts!My nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award are:

G K Kingsley at here    

Katy Berry at      here           

Gillian B at here           

Mindy Levy at    here      

Shae Baxter at here     

Alison Denehy at here      

Trish Hannon at here       

What to do when you run out of ideas for your blog posts.

                                             (L-R) Sam, Sinead, Greigor, Uncle Pedro, Thaddeus, Scotto.

Sometimes it’s a bit hard to think of what to write about every single day. Whilst messaging my friend Sinead, on Facebook this morning I decided to exploit her witty, razor-sharp intellect for some inspiration.

Pinky: What can I write my post about this morning. Give me an idea?
Sinead: Don't tell me you've run out of things to name and shame the children, dogs, husbands, relatives, friends and co-workers about?

....Must be time to adopt an eastern European orphan to add fodder to the blog mill.

I'm a middle aged, childless, pet free spinster...my life isn't funny...but it's peaceful

Pinky: I write about other stuff, not just bagging people out. Like… lists. What can I write a list about? Come on girl! Throw me a fricken bone!

Sinead: Aggro blogger!

So now my sister Sam, Uncle Pedro, Sinead, Greigor and Thaddeus are all here for lunch and we are work shopping inspiring ideas for life changing activities Pinky could partake of, to inspire blog posts on subjects other than “adopting orphans from war torn countries”.

Here’s what the collective came up with…

“If you were audited you might have something to write about.” Very lame stupid suggestion from my sister Sam possibly motivated from her real life experience.

“Clone yourself?” came the really stupid comment from Greigor.

“Clone Eastern European orphans?” extra stupid comment from Greigor.

“Is this funny?” asked Pinky in a mystified and confused state reading it out loud to the bawdy entourage.

“What's this about Eastern European authors?” asked the distant and ‘special’ Uncle Pedro who had been drifting in and out of his own private Idaho.

“No,” sighed an exasperated Pinky, “Forget about a life-changing experience, I need a subject to write a list about. Can you manage that?”

“Manscaping?” suggested gay Greigor.

“Can I write that you lisped that?” I asked him.

“That’s stereotyping!” he screeched dramatically, “Won’t you offend people with speech impediments?” he frantically jazz handed.

“Fun things to do with dog hair?” Sam remarked nebulously as she gazed around our back patio.

“What do you want a list of?” interjected Uncle Pedro.

“Why Matt Damon is so hot!” added Greigor.

“Can I migrate to an Eastern European country to get away from this bullsh#t?” said Uncle Pedro reaching for his Rum and Coke.

“Name three Eastern European countries Uncle Pedro?” demanded Sinead snidely.

“Romania!” came the chorus of Beer Quiz Trivia veterans.

“Who are the five Catholic Prime Ministers of Australia? That’d be a good list!” asked renounced Irish Catholic Uncle Pedro.

“Fiddlee-dee potatoes!” quipped Sinead in a mildly Scottish/ Irish accent.

“Paul Keating, James Scullin, Ben Chifley, Andrew Lyons?” interjected a belated Thaddeus.

“Right that’s it!” murmured a defeated and drained Pinky.



"You’re all a mob of useless gits. I’m going to get the party pies out of the oven".

PS: It's Emmsie's birthday today! Happy birthday dear friend!

                                                     Kyles, Emmsie, Tans(at back), Shazza, Pinky!

Pinky loves her very own Bruce Willis!

                                                           Bruce 'Scotto' Willis
                       

Growing up with parents who bred dogs and having personally owned nine members of the Canis Familiaris Genus Species, I've had my fair share of exposure and made some observations on their general behaviour. 

A dog will never sh#t in another dog’s hole. Neither will they steal another dog’s bone then p#ss on it. They may eat it but they won’t deliberately make it so undesirable that no other dog will want a piece of it. 

Not so in the human world.

As a relative newbie in the world of the Internet (read more on that…here ) it hasn’t taken me too long to figure out that there are more than a few nasty animals out there in the cyber-wilderness. 

There are the indolent Sloth Bears who hijack your site with misleading links to porn sites or malware, eg; Broken Controllers. 

Piranhas may swim below the surface of your computer stream in the form of viruses or worms. 

Poison Dart Frogs send you email messages or tweets containing vicious barbs so that when you click on them you expose your computer to all kinds of evil malware. 

I’ve even had sinister little spider monkeys (always a pretty girl with an innocent name and only one or two followers) favourite my Tweets in the hope that I will explore their link so that they can infiltrate my computer with malevolent Trojans. 

Why do they do it? Because they can; also to spam you with advertisements for pornography, weight loss programs and Spanish holiday homes, or worse… to hijack your computer. 

This is what Professor Mungleton warns could happen to you...

Upon arrival, there's something tempting like unlimited torrent downloads, promises to scan your computer for viruses, or pictures of stripping girlies or cats falling down, and you think "Oh, that looks fun" and you click on it and invite worms, trojans and viruses into your computer and suddenly your credit card has been used in Nigeria, you're on the Interpol watch list and your computer is part of a botnet attacking the US State Department. Not to mention the endless popup adverts and redirections you'll get.

Oh yes my friends, it is a bloodied jungle out there. 

But guess what? I am lucky to be married to my own “Bruce Scotto Willis”... a fully qualified, USB carrying, anti-virus warrior living right under my roof. 

How can I be sure he’s the right vigilante for the job?

Well folks, these are the bedroom remote-controls for the telly.

These are the family-room remote-controls for the telly.

These are the TV room remote-controls for the telly.

-If ‘Bruce Scotto Willis’ ever goes out of town I have to leave the telly running for the entire time as I have no fricking idea what any of those remotes are for!

              This is my geek’s yoyo collection.

This is just one of my geek’s three Deloreans. 

These are my geek's Pinball machine, Games machine and

the computer all of which he BUILT ENTIRELY BY HIMSELF! 

So Yippie-Kai-Yay Mother F#%kers! Bring it ooooon! 

I'm married to the Emperor of Geeks!

My ingenious geek has installed Avast Anti-Virus on my laptop and any time those dunce-hat, computer subversives attempt to infect my laptop with their filthy malware, a siren blasts and an “Alert Alert Alert” message ( just like that robot from Lost in Space) blares shutting it down quicker than you can say ‘Die Hard with a Vengeance’.

So in the words of Bruce Scotto Willis; 

“Those hackers are just a fly in the ointment, Pinky. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.”

Please check out Professor Mungleton’s full post…here

Pinky and the Boys

                             'Creative' Scotto channelling Austin Powers

The winners of the Australian Writers’ Centre Best Blogs competition were announced yesterday and after annoying all of you to vote for me I feel it’s imperative to inform you that I didn’t win the People’s Choice Award. I didn’t even come close. The winner was a Real Estate blog which received a whopping 1468 votes. Maybe I was being a little optimistic! Thank you, my lovely, loyal friends for going out of your way to sift through all of those blogs to vote for me. Maybe I should have named my blog ‘Aardvark Pinky Poinker’.

I also nominated my post “Desecration of British Landmarks”, click …here, for the Most Humorous Post award but was just beaten to the finish line (not really but that’s how I console myself) by a gentleman called Ben Pobjie (who had won it the previous year as well) and I have put the link to his winning post at the end of this in case you would like to read it.

As you know, Scotto and I met online almost nine years ago back in the days when it wasn’t yet sociably acceptable. We had spoken for hours and hours on the telephone and had exchanged countless emails before we actually met. Click…here,  if you haven’t read the amusing story.

After two months of extensive telecommunication, the critical time had come to meet in person and my girlfriend Babette and I had flown down to Brisvegas and were staying at an apartment at Kangaroo Point. Scotto was to drive up from the Gold Coast to meet us for drinks and dinner. Scotto and I were on the telephone making the final arrangements when he startled me with this question.

“So Pinky, would you like me to show you my boys when I come up?”

There was a moment’s silence as I pondered this query.

That’s a bit forward, I thought. Who does this man think he is anyway? Why would I want to see his ‘boys’? What’s so special about them? Are they really big or something? Yuk! Or maybe they’re really small. Double Yuk! Perhaps they’re misshapen or really hairy? Maybe he can do tricks with them. Funny… I hadn’t noticed ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ on his dating site profile. He used the plural ‘boyS’ so at least he has two of them…

“Pinky!” Scotto interrupted my X-rated revelry. “I mean my cartoon characters… my boys!”

Aaaaah yes, I remembered. Scotto had revealed his predilection for cartooning in a few of our lengthy phone calls and I had gushed that I’d love to see the characters he’d created. He called them his ‘boys’.

In truth I was very excited to be finally meeting a man with a drop of creativity running through his veins. Let’s face it; they’re a bit hard to come by in North Queensland, home of Rugby League.

The cartoons are really good but they’ve been sitting collecting dust under our computer desk for years now. 

(You may be wondering what happened to the music clips I committed to embedding in each of my posts as a soundtrack. Well if you haven’t realised how flighty and fickle Pinky is by now then you deserve to wonder.) 

 I intend to occasionally (when it suits) include some of Scotto’s very clever cartoons on my posts and I hope you enjoy them.

This is the first and I believe it reflects our lifestyle perfectly.

Ben Pobjie winner of Most Humorous Post click...here

Pinky talks dirty.

                                Image credit: en.wikipedia.org

I noticed the other day when checking the stats on my blog, that the most popular post I’ve ever written is ‘Pinky’s Garden of Eden’… here.

Why? I pondered. It’s a little bit funny I suppose and tells the tale of Pinky’s failure as a gardener. Maybe a gardening group is sharing it and having a great laugh at my stupidity, I thought. I Googled ‘Pinky’ and ‘Garden’ and my site was unexpectedly sitting at the top of the page ranking. How?

Then I scrolled down. Oooooooh! ‘Pinky’s Garden’ is a porn website! Unwitting seekers of titillating entertainment must have been clicking on my site unaware of its unexciting and horticultural content. 

Unfortunate, disappointed searchers of erotic diversion those poor souls must be.

So I thought I might include some raunchy stories in my post today in honour of those lovely people who have unintentionally promoted my rankings with Mr Google.

Our staffroom has a scarcity of interesting reading material. Whether it’s a deliberate ploy by administration to discourage the teachers from relaxing too much and not being on top of the game at the front line of the Rugrat warzone I don’t know, but there’s bugger all to read.

One day Greggles, one of the male teachers, discovered an advertisement in a dog-eared magazine hawking products for the “Lady Garden”. It promised to keep the user’s ‘lady garden’ smelling like an English countryside in Springtime and contained so many outrageous and colourful metaphors we all cracked up laughing. Greggles read them out, most expressively, to the amusement of the rest of the staffroom over the next few days. I told you it’s boring in that staffroom.

Not to be outdone, O’Reilly, always ready for a laugh, brought in a flyer he’d found in his letterbox. It originated from a local shaver shop franchise and had a photograph of a male model, naked from the waist up and looking down at his…. you know…thing.

‘Release the Tiger’ the headline exclaimed.

It asked, “Is your tiger lost in the jungle?” and went on to talk about “Allowing your tiger to stand proud on the open plain.” 

Apparently the gist of the campaign was that; the less jungle there was, the bigger the tiger looks. 

I couldn’t help but worry that, with one slip of the razor it might be a case of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Turtle”. 

Anyway, it amused the entire staffroom for both lunch breaks that day and it just goes to show that teachers need to be provided with more stimulating reading material.

Not raunchy enough for you yet? Okay, one more story.

One day Scotto and I were out for a walk along the river. Half way through our ambling I saw a jogger with a dog on a leash, heading towards us. 

As he approached I noticed that he was wearing silky, yellow, running shorts and for all intents and purposes, seemingly no underwear. I could clearly discern the shape of his ‘tiger’ swinging freely as he ran and as I had sunglasses on, was granted free access to an unrestricted viewing.

Just as he passed by us Scotto turned to me and hissed, 

“Crikey! That was a floppy one!”

I flashed an amazed and bewildered look at Scotto. Had he just read Pinky’s mind??

“I knoooooow!” I squealed in enthusiastic agreement.

“It's amazing," he added innocently, "I didn’t know a Cocker Spaniel could have such big ears!” 

Teenagers Behaving Badly Part 11- How Pinky got someone else to do the housework.

                                                   The uninteresting glass of water



I thought I was hearing things yesterday when I walked in the door after a hard day teaching my Grade Four class. It sounded like the roar of a vacuum cleaner... but that was an unworkable hypothesis; there was no vacuum cleaner attached to my arm. 

No, it was definitely a vacuum cleaner. But how? I pondered. No one else in the house would even know where it was kept or how to turn it on. Perhaps it was a very house conscious burglar?

As I nervously rounded the corner of the hallway an unconceivable phenomenon met my goggling eyes. It was sixteen year old Lulu, vacuum in hand, ferociously hoovering the lounge room!

Espying her gobsmacked mother standing motionless and staring like a stunned mullet, she turned the machine off and haughtily sashayed past me into the kitchen.

“Mummsy,” she said, (that’s what she calls me when she wants something) “Can my boyfriend Jack come over and hang out tomorrow night?”

Hmmm, I thought analytically. That is why she’s cleaning the house. She is so ashamed of the state I’ve allowed it to descend into, she has taken it upon herself to do some housework! 

Yay for Pinky!

“Of course Jack can come over,” I replied jauntily, “I’d love to meet him. By the way, the hallway needs a going over too.” 

Then I added, muttering thoughtfully, “Maybe I’ll write about meeting this Jack in my blog.”

Lulu eyed me condescendingly. 

“That’d be right! Mum you write about sh#t! Why don’t you write about me drinking this glass of water?” she scornfully thrust a very uninteresting glass of water at me in an aggressive fashion. 

“Maybe I will!” I retorted, “Maybe I will. Don’t forget to vacuum the stairs, they’re covered in dust. The downstairs’ toilet needs cleaning as well. You don’t want Jack to think you live in a pig sty do you?”

So Handsome Jack is coming over tonight. 

I can’t wait to meet him and I can’t help but hope he’s just a little bit odd. Normal people just don’t fit in here and besides… it will give me something to write about other than that glass of water.

Pinky warns about the dangers of blogging!

                                                        
I began writing this blog during the lazy, blissful school holidays on the 8th January this year. Whoa… that’s only three months ago. So far I’ve managed to write 104 posts, which is about one post for every one of those days. Now whilst I am fully aware that I am by no means an experienced blogger, I do believe a few prickly issues have reared their ugly head, on which I do feel to be a bit of an authority. 

Therefore, here are some sage words of advice on the dangers of blogging for anyone who continues to read on and ignores their gut feeling that this post is just more of Pinky’s pointless drivel.

Blogging makes you put on weight.
Three kilograms! Crap! This is from sitting on my a#se typing out posts, instead of power walking for an hour and a half every day as I did back in the days when I was thin!

Blogging makes your house filthy. 

Some people joke that their house is messy, but clean. My house is very neat, but filthy! The washing piles up now, the floor is sticky and the carpet upstairs has something growing on it.

Blogging makes you absent minded.

I lined up behind five cars at the busy service station today. It was finally my turn at the bowser and I got out of the car only to realise that the petrol tank was on the other side. I’d been thinking about what I could write in my post this evening. Yesterday I forgot to pick Lulu up from work because I was… err... vacuuming. No I wasn’t! I was writing my post! Bad mother!

Blogging gives you nightmares.

I keep having vivid, recurring nightmares about poo dribbling out of my mouth. I’m not joking! 

What do you think it means?

Blogging alienates your friends.

My friends’ eyes glaze over and they quickly change the subject whenever I start talking obsessively about my blog. I’m sure they only like it on Facebook so they don’t get asked every morning,

“So Kaz… did you read my blog last night? Did you like it? What exactly did you like about it? Did you laugh out loud? Huh? huh?”

Also I have begun to talk like a Thesaurus.

“Whadja say Pinky??” they will query in bemused perplexity when I orate in an exceedingly evocative and ostentatiously pretentious manner. Like I just did then…

Blogging leads to addictive behaviours.

To have your blog read by more than your five best friends, your husband and the dog, you have to promote it on Twitter, Facebook and any other form of social media you come across. Bad. Bad. Bad. More distraction from housework and exercise.

Blogging makes your husband cranky.

“So do you think it’s funny?” I’ll ask him prior to posting.

“I laughed didn’t I?”

“Yes, but you might just be humouring me. Do you think it was at all offensive?” I’ll whine persistently.

“No… it was funny.”

“Okay… if you’re sure… so I’m about hit publish… Should I do it? Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yes Pinky, publish it.” he sighs patiently.

“There… it’s published! What if no one thinks it’s funny…maybe I should have used another picture. I don't think I should have posted it...” 

I will continue carrying on plaintively for the next twenty minutes until someone finally ‘likes’ it. 

Actually, he is pretty patient ... except for the time when in the middle of connubial fun times I breathed heavily into his ear,

"Scotto...are you sure it was funny?"

Pinky goes bacterial!- A really bad post!

                                                                  

I woke up this morning to a glorious day; superfluous actually! The sun streamed through my bedroom window and I contentedly watched the dust motifs dancing in the rays.

Trotting down the hallway and pausing at teenage son, Padraic’s door I knocked before peeking into his bedroom. His room was empty but what greeted me was beyond my apprehension. 

His room was spotless, neat as a pin; perhaps this was an optical conclusion? It was certainly an unparalysed event in the history of Padraic’s endeavours to get on my good side.

Then, moving on to daughter, Lulu’s room I was again surprised to see that she had left her room in the same state. Was this a pigment of my imagination?

But… I divulge. Back the subject.

Firing up my laptop I waited patiently to check the pageview stats on my blog. I wondered if the outrageously hilarious antidotes I've written about my family had gone viral overnight. 

Don’t worry, I don’t have ellusions of grandeur, but you never know. The stats page was up… oh Lord, I had over 100 000 pageviews in one day. I literally died!

Does this mean I’ve become infamous?

Hello… what’s this here, an email from my father. I love my Dad and he has been a big effluence on my writing but sometimes he can be a bit channel visioned.

Dear Pinky, (he wrote)

I’m sorry I said your blog was a waste of time and you should do some serious writing. I agree now that it was wrong of me to say you aren’t funny and that no one wants to read about you because you’re a nobody.

Love Dad. X

Ha! Yes Dad, I thought. I remember everything you said about my writing because I have a photogenic memory. Okay, I might not be writing a fast action cliff-dweller but I am a bit amusing.

I’m on fire Dad! You’ll need to get out a fire distinguisher to put out my flames now!

Then I woke up… it was all a dream.

Linking up with Emily at Have a Laugh on Me for Laugh Link!

The Biggest Loser Blogger

                                     

I love watching the reality show “The Biggest Loser” and seeing the progress the contestants make in transforming their bodies through a Spartan regime of diet and punishing exercise overseen by domineering personal trainers with names like “The Commando”. The only drawback is that it tends to make me incredibly hungry and I wind up staring ravenously into the fridge.

Recently (after only seven weeks of blogging), I had the impudent gall to enter my blog ‘Pinky Poinker’ in a Best Blog competition. After perusing my site I’ve come to the conclusion that it could do with a bit of a shake up and I’m thinking I need a personal trainer to give me that extra push. In fact, wouldn’t it be great if they could create a reality show called, “The Biggest Loser Blogger.”

I’d want social media doyen Jeff Bullas, author of "Blogging the Smart Way - How to Create and Market a Killer Blog with Social Media" - as my personal trainer.

Episode One- “The Biggest Loser Blogger”

#Cue in music (possibly the Beatles, “Paperback Writer”).

Pinky stands on a podium as the camera pans over the contestants.

“So,” says Jeff, “we’ve been secretly filming all of you in your homes.”

Gasps from the audience as the cameras focus on the mortified faces of the bloggers.

“We know every dirty little habit that happens behind closed doors!”

The scene cuts to Pinky sitting at home on her laptop presumably working on her blog. Camera closes in on the laptop screen revealing that Pinky is watching a Facebook clip about a cute cat riding in a car. The scene swiftly changes to Pinky going to the fridge, getting a glass of wine then going back to reading her Twitter messages. The clock on the wall shows two hours have passed and Pinky is still on Twitter. Disapproving titters are heard from the studio audience.

“That’s a lot of wasted time there. What do you have to say for yourself Pinky?” Jeff demands of the humiliated Pinky.

“I come home from work…I go straight to my laptop and over indulge in social media instead of writing. I can’t help it, the temptation is too great.” whispers a teary Pinky.

“Well Pinky, the time has finally come to weigh in. There’s nowhere to hide. Your word count is about to be revealed to Australia. How do you feel about that?”

Pinky looks down the monitor with pathos. “But… I haven’t checked my word count for two months. Alright then, I guess I’m ready. I want to be open to letting the light back into my life again. I want to live.”

Episode Two- “Bootcamp”

“Come on Pinky, Get on that laptop! I want sixty smash ‘em in your face headlines. Come on! Bring your knees parallel to the laptop. Push it!”

“I can’t do it Jeff.” Pinky pants. The camera swings over to another blogger spewing in a bucket. “I need my Thesaurus,” the blogger gags.

“Don’t be a pussy!” yells Jeff, “I’m gonna make you guys so strong you’ll walk out of here freaks!”

“What did we get ourselves into?” wheezes a shattered Pinky.

“You’re all talk!” Jeff barks. “Now give me ten similes and five metaphors before the next commercial.”

Episode Three- The Immunity Challenge

“Okay, now one of you bloggers wins immunity this week if you beat the others in this challenge. The blogger who can publish a post and last the longest without checking their pageviews wins immunity this week.” announces Jeff. “Remember it’s not all about pageviews.”

“But how will we know if people liked it?” cries a beseeching Pinky.

“Think of how you’ve ended up here, Pinky. Too much time clicking on distracting sites instead of focussing on your writing. We need to get to the core of the problem. Do you want empowerment or what?”

“Damn straight I want empowerment, Jeff.” says Pinky, tears glistening in her eyes, gazing straight down the camera lens with feeling.

#Cue closing music.

Stay tuned next week on “The Biggest Loser Blogger” twist when Pinky faces temptation. The immunity challenge reward will be choosing between ten retweets or ten comments on her blog.

Procrastination... Pinky suggests we talk about it tomorrow.

                                               

It’s that time of night. Time to write my daily post… but I’m exhausted, drained from wrangling twenty-eight nine year old kids all day.

Maybe I should mark the essays about a kangaroo and an emu looking for a waterhole that my students wrote for me today…or maybe not.


There are only so many times you can correct ‘whent’ back to ‘went’, ‘firstee’ back to ‘thirsty’ and an ‘unspecified’ word back to ‘can’t’ before you go completely mental.Perhaps I should go and clean the dog poo from the back yard before it starts to rain and the poo mixes with the dog’s moulting tufts of hair, binding irrevocably to the concrete.


Nah… it can wait until morning, there is no way it’s going to rain.I could always go and do a load of washing before apprentice electrician Hagar stuffs his work gear in the machine, fails to empty his pockets and the multitude of rattling screws and earplugs break the washing machine again.

I probably shouldn't bother though; it looks like it’s definitely going to rain.

I suppose I could go downstairs and confront Year Twelve Padraic about being sprung wagging school. I received a letter today from his school principal listing his unexplained absences. It reads as long as a Hell’s Angel rap sheet.

No… I don’t feel like a screaming match just yet.

Maybe I could start cooking dinner early tonight… but then as soon as the kids catch the alluring aroma of frying onions they’ll start wafting out of their rooms like ravenous zombies pestering me about how long dinner will be.

I guess I could clean the filthy oven. Ha, that’s a joke. I’ve never cleaned an oven in my life unless I was moving house, so why start now?

The soap receptacle in the shower needs a crusty, hardened glug of soap scraped out of it. I could do that. 

Oh wait… I forgot to buy soap when I was shopping and we’ll need it later for our showers.

I do need to fill out my Family Tax Benefit application on line. 

But then again last time I tried to do that Scotto found me sobbing in the foetal position because the site kept timing out every three minutes.

Hmmmm…. Perhaps I’ll just have a glass of wine and write on my Blog. That’s always fun.