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Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Biggest Loser Blogger


I love watching the reality show “The Biggest Loser” and seeing the progress the contestants make in transforming their bodies through a Spartan regime of diet and punishing exercise overseen by domineering personal trainers with names like “The Commando”. The only drawback is that it tends to make me incredibly hungry and I wind up staring ravenously into the fridge.

Recently (after only seven weeks of blogging), I had the impudent gall to enter my blog ‘Pinky Poinker’ in a Best Blog competition. After perusing my site I’ve come to the conclusion that it could do with a bit of a shake up and I’m thinking I need a personal trainer to give me that extra push. In fact, wouldn’t it be great if they could create a reality show called, “The Biggest Loser Blogger.”

I’d want social media doyen Jeff Bullas, author of "Blogging the Smart Way - How to Create and Market a Killer Blog with Social Media" - as my personal trainer.

Episode One- “The Biggest Loser Blogger”

#Cue in music (possibly the Beatles, “Paperback Writer”).

Pinky stands on a podium as the camera pans over the contestants.

“So,” says Jeff, “we’ve been secretly filming all of you in your homes.”

Gasps from the audience as the cameras focus on the mortified faces of the bloggers.

“We know every dirty little habit that happens behind closed doors!”

The scene cuts to Pinky sitting at home on her laptop presumably working on her blog. Camera closes in on the laptop screen revealing that Pinky is watching a Facebook clip about a cute cat riding in a car. The scene swiftly changes to Pinky going to the fridge, getting a glass of wine then going back to reading her Twitter messages. The clock on the wall shows two hours have passed and Pinky is still on Twitter. Disapproving titters are heard from the studio audience.

“That’s a lot of wasted time there. What do you have to say for yourself Pinky?” Jeff demands of the humiliated Pinky.

“I come home from work…I go straight to my laptop and over indulge in social media instead of writing. I can’t help it, the temptation is too great.” whispers a teary Pinky.

“Well Pinky, the time has finally come to weigh in. There’s nowhere to hide. Your word count is about to be revealed to Australia. How do you feel about that?”

Pinky looks down the monitor with pathos. “But… I haven’t checked my word count for two months. Alright then, I guess I’m ready. I want to be open to letting the light back into my life again. I want to live.”

Episode Two- “Bootcamp”

“Come on Pinky, Get on that laptop! I want sixty smash ‘em in your face headlines. Come on! Bring your knees parallel to the laptop. Push it!”

“I can’t do it Jeff.” Pinky pants. The camera swings over to another blogger spewing in a bucket. “I need my Thesaurus,” the blogger gags.

“Don’t be a pussy!” yells Jeff, “I’m gonna make you guys so strong you’ll walk out of here freaks!”

“What did we get ourselves into?” wheezes a shattered Pinky.

“You’re all talk!” Jeff barks. “Now give me ten similes and five metaphors before the next commercial.”

Episode Three- The Immunity Challenge

“Okay, now one of you bloggers wins immunity this week if you beat the others in this challenge. The blogger who can publish a post and last the longest without checking their pageviews wins immunity this week.” announces Jeff. “Remember it’s not all about pageviews.”

“But how will we know if people liked it?” cries a beseeching Pinky.

“Think of how you’ve ended up here, Pinky. Too much time clicking on distracting sites instead of focussing on your writing. We need to get to the core of the problem. Do you want empowerment or what?”

“Damn straight I want empowerment, Jeff.” says Pinky, tears glistening in her eyes, gazing straight down the camera lens with feeling.

#Cue closing music.

Stay tuned next week on “The Biggest Loser Blogger” twist when Pinky faces temptation. The immunity challenge reward will be choosing between ten retweets or ten comments on her blog.