Pinky's Book Link

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Pinky's "Little Book of Smarm"

The bestselling “The Little Book of Calm” by Paul Wilson promises help to regain balance and reduce stress in your life. 

Open it at any page, he assures, and you will find a path to inner peace. 

I would like to offer extra (mother of teenagers) advice to some of the suggestions offered by the author. 
(Though if the real author is actually reading this it I’d like to make it known that today’s effort was written by a guest writer, Ann Smith.)

1. Invest in a fruit bowl. Eat more fruit, and you’ll feel more relaxed.

Unless that fruit has been fermenting in an oak cask for a few years it ain’t gonna make me more relaxed. Invest in a wine club instead.

2. Take the time to brush someone’s hair. Better still, brush your own- or have someone else do it.

I wonder which of my colleagues will sit in the staffroom before school and brush my hair for me? Instead, ask your teenagers to use a toilet brush on their lingering skid marks for once.

3. Ignore small print. Small print is custom-designed to prompt frustration. If you want to remain calm, have someone else read (and explain) the small type for you. 

The most frustrating part of small print is when you can’t find your bloody glasses. Check your fridge, the washing machine and the top of your head. Never ask your teenagers to read for you because they will taunt you with ageist jokes.

4. Barricade the door. Concentrate on your own needs for at least one hour a day.

Not having a lock on my door I always told the kids not to interrupt me unless the house was on fire, someone was breaking in, or the bone was actually poking through the skin. 

Of course in saying this you run the risk that they will set fire to the house as an excuse to interrupt you.

5. Lower the bar. Do yourself a favour and relax those standards a little.

Bar? Did someone say bar? Yes! The housework can wait – let’s go!

6. Wear white. Loose garments and light colours lead to calm.

Unless you accidently wash your whites with one of Hagar’s red basketball jerseys; then pale pink is fine too.

7. Snatch a couple of zzz minutes. Take brief cat naps throughout the day.

However, speaking from experience, it is recommended that you never nap while driving on the motorway to work, when you’re in the classroom surrounded by twenty eight nine-year olds, or when having special relations with your spouse.

8. Practise saying No. Only take on what you can do, politely turn down all other requests.

“No, I am not lending you money to get a tattoo. It’s not an investment.”

“No, I’m not paying for you to go on a trip to the UK with your netball team when I haven’t had a proper holiday for thirteen years.”

“No, I’m not giving you money to mow the lawn in advance because you promise to do it ‘tomorrow’.”

“No, I’m not driving out to woop woop again to bring your spare key because you locked your car keys in for the second time today!”

This is fun! I LIKE saying no!

9. Avoid pressure phrases like ‘I should…’, ‘I have to…’, ‘I must…’. Replace with calmer phrases like, ‘I choose to…’, ‘I may…’


“I choose to sit and do your biology assignment instead of watching ‘My Kitchen Rules’, I don’t have to.”

“I choose to pick up the dog poo in the backyard because no other b#$%ard will do it, I don’t have to.”

“I choose to pick wet tissue off a full load of washing because someone forgot to clear their pockets, I don’t have to.”

Hey! This isn’t working!


“Remain on the lookout for things that make you laugh- and, if you see nothing worth laughing at, PRETEND you see it. Then laugh.”

And when the men in white coats come to take you away just scream,

“’The Little Book of Calm’ told me to!” 

Wilson,P. (1996). The Little Book of Calm.Penguin Group. Australia.