Lee-lee, Pinky,Shazza and Kyles partying up at Karaoke!
I may enjoy another little tipple whilst slaving over the hot stove merely to make the task more pleasant. I may even sup on a wine with my dinner to compliment my overcooked broccoli.
“That’s too much Pinky!” I hear the accusatory voices in my head screaming at me.
What… so I’m an alcoholic? When in doubt look it up on the internet I always say, so that is what I did.
I found a website that listed signs you are an alcoholic and have made notes beside each one in order to compare.
The questionaire began…
If you’re reading this, there’s a chance that you’re an alcoholic.
Oh crap! It looks like I’m already in with a chance.
Do you have a lot of friends whose last names and professions you don’t know? Do they have nicknames like PB Arnie, Mattallica and “the coke guy”?
Well I do know my friends last names and the only “coke guy” I know is the one who stocks our staffroom vending machine.
Do you drink with people you would be embarrassed to walk down the street with or introduce to your real friends?
No, but I’m embarrassed to walk down the street with some of my real friends.
Have you ever drunk other people’s half-empty beers because the party ran out of booze?
Who would go to a party that ran out of booze? A lousy party that would be.
Do you have trouble concentrating on the conversation at a table where alcohol is being shared because you are mentally dividing up the portions to make sure you will have enough?
That depends. If I’m having dinner with my friend Kyles the answer is, yes. She always beats me to the last glass, the cow.
Do you consistently bring alcohol into situations where there wouldn’t otherwise be any, like a movie theatre or your office?
Nope, I don’t work in an office and don’t go to the movies either.
Have you attended an after-hours club or found yourself wishing the party could continue past 5 a.m.?
My friends are always getting up me because like a nana I’m usually the first to leave a party. Pinky needs her beauty sleep or she is a grumpy shrew the next day.
Would you trade a year of your life for a consequence-free year of partying?
If consequence-free means no hangover/ liver damage/financial scarring…Hell yeah! Who wouldn’t?
Have you ever cried because you couldn’t have an alcoholic beverage?
It once took me an hour and a half to open a corked bottle of wine with a fork because I couldn’t find a corkscrew and I didn’t cry once.
Do you drink when you are sick, because vodka totally “kills the germs”?
Never. Everyone knows red wine has more anti-oxidants.
Do you harass people who aren’t drinking, or who go home before 3 am, by making comments like “What? Does your vagina hurt?”
Who wrote this questionnaire?
Have you ever wet the bed after a night of drinking?
Not since I was in hospital at six years of age and the nurse forgot to bring my bed pan.
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My drinking holds the fabric of my home life together. Without it dinner would never get cooked.
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Only if I have managed to get hold of the Karaoke microphone sometime during the night.
Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Lord how I wish I could forget singing “It’s Raining Men” the night before.
Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Yes. Five times when my children were born.
Have you ever woken up with cigarette burns on your chest?
No of course not. I don’t smoke.
Hey! I think I’m okay! It’s six o’clock! Time to crack open the vino!
If consequence-free means no hangover/ liver damage/financial scarring…Hell yeah! Who wouldn’t?
Have you ever cried because you couldn’t have an alcoholic beverage?
It once took me an hour and a half to open a corked bottle of wine with a fork because I couldn’t find a corkscrew and I didn’t cry once.
Do you drink when you are sick, because vodka totally “kills the germs”?
Never. Everyone knows red wine has more anti-oxidants.
Do you harass people who aren’t drinking, or who go home before 3 am, by making comments like “What? Does your vagina hurt?”
Who wrote this questionnaire?
Have you ever wet the bed after a night of drinking?
Not since I was in hospital at six years of age and the nurse forgot to bring my bed pan.
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My drinking holds the fabric of my home life together. Without it dinner would never get cooked.
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Only if I have managed to get hold of the Karaoke microphone sometime during the night.
Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Lord how I wish I could forget singing “It’s Raining Men” the night before.
Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
Yes. Five times when my children were born.
Have you ever woken up with cigarette burns on your chest?
No of course not. I don’t smoke.
Hey! I think I’m okay! It’s six o’clock! Time to crack open the vino!
Please note: I am not trying to make fun of alcoholism (which is a very
serious thing Kyles!).
