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Monday, July 21, 2014

Bush Pig...

The Urban dictionary defines a "Bush Pig" as this...

But I think Pinky can do better than that with a lovely acrostic poem...


Barrels down the aisle at Dan Murphy’s like a sweaty Jabba the Hut; whiskers poking out her wobbling chin, so she can get to the counter with her three cartons of VB before the transparent old pensioner couple painstakingly deliberating on their Zimmer frames do.

Uses a fake, incongruous name like Bella-Marie… when her real name is a far more compatible name like Beryl.

Supports the gun lobby because the work away from home (more than actually necessary) husband takes the dogs out shooting roos on the weekend and it saves her buying pet food for the mongrels.

Hates ninety-nine per cent of other women because they’re all ‘up themselves bitches’. She knows they’re all looking down on her because of the way they smile at her and say hello.

Pregnancies come easily (with gross injustice to women who would actually make good mothers). The kids are all... not quite right in the head, but she keeps popping them out anyway because it provides her with someone to send up the shops for her smokes and grants her a larger family tax allowance every year and an excuse not to go to work.

Instigates brawls at her kid’s footy matches by screaming foul abuse at the little rugby league-ers when they don’t pass the ball to her repellent son and gives the coach a sadistic dressing down for not paying attention. 

Swears at the teenage referee when he makes the wrong call and vociferously labels the young opposing team members, “Bullying little c##$!”.

Hurls unbridled, violent abuse at her kids when she gets home because their X box is interrupting her 'f#&*ing nap' and if they don’t 'shut the f#&* up' she’ll smack them over the head with a 'f#&*ing cricket bat'.

Goes to Legal Aid with crocodile tears when kids are arrested for petty burglary and assault and claims they were bullied into it by their dodgy mates and the police have been persecuting the family ever since they left school.

Bush Pig...

Do you know any bush pigs?