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Friday, July 25, 2014

Dishing the Dirt on School Lunches!

This is for those conchy mums who pack their kid's lunchboxes with meticulous meticulosity; those dedicated mums who get up before the rest of the family and wrap a nutritious, loved up tribute every week day.

Don’t bother.

Why would you go to the effort of packing an enticing roast chicken/cheese/salad with mayo roll, a humble piece of fruit, and a modest water bottle when your child is either going to (a) chuck it in the bin 

(b) trade it with their friend for a ‘fruit’ rollup or 

(c) the teacher on duty is going to snatch it from their unsuspecting hand and lope off into a shady corner to scoff it like a rapacious Tasmanian Devil?

Don’t bother is what I’m saying.

Just chuck a couple of packets of two minute noodles in their lunch box. They’re super cheap! They make a huge mess for the school cleaner with the ubiquitous crumbles invading every crevice in the pavement. The excessive salt and chemicals bestow upon the midget diners a superfluous amount of ill-timed exuberance in the after lunch ‘learning’ session, ensuring their lazy teachers earn their more than adequate salary.

And while we’re on the subject of slothful teachers, to ensure you keep those lazy buggers on their toes, include one of those yogurt tubes which the kids find impossible to open. Imagine the hilarity when the teacher is approached, endeavours in frustrated rage to tear the plastic death-trap open, and is spectacularly splattered with strawberry yogurt… doomed to wear the sour remnants on her shirt for the remaining four hours of the school day. 

The only souls who will venture near her for the rest of the day will be her dogs, who will sniff her curiously for a few minutes when she arrives home then curl up in a corner and avoid her for what’s left of the afternoon.

Water is for sooks. Go for the high calorie, sugar laden fruit poppers which the kids can use to squirt all over their dining companions then scare the bejesus out of the teacher by stomping on them instigating a loud explosion which the teacher mistakes as a gun firing. Not an ideal circumstance straight after reports have been sent out I can assure you.

If you really want to cause trouble, don’t order tuckshop. Just toss a twenty dollar note at your kid in the morning and tell him/her to buy whatever he/she wants. He/she will be Justin Bieber at school that day as he/she shouts everyone in the vicinity a red ice block and salt and vinegar chips. 

Special note:
Apples only ever have one bite taken out of them, if that… or are used as ammunition by the boys at the girls (only the ones they like).

Bananas go directly in the bin… go to jail, go directly to jail.

If someone has a birthday and brings in a cake, nobody eats their lunch, full stop.

This has been a community service announcement to all mothers from one who knows.

Any horror stories about school lunches?

Linking up with Sonia at Sonia Styling for Weekend Rewind!